This is a video I did about 2 weeks ago - it was a bonus video, not one of my weekly Wednesday ones. I really wanted to ask this question (the question within the video) of all of my readers/viewers/etc. and I have gotten so many responses so far, both in the comments of the video on YouTube and via email and private messages. I plan to do a follow-up video very soon to respond to many of the answers I received, so please, leave me your thoughts if you have any.
I could name a lot of reasons to explain why I think I will never get the kind of recovery you got, a lot of reasons to explain why I think I will never reach the point where you are. When I saw your video for the first time, a thousand reasons came to my mind: because I've been anorexic since I was 14 years old, because I also have some other problems just like self-injury, because I don't like very much my phycoterapist and so I can't work well whit her, because I'm still afraid about gaining more than a certain amount of weight, and so on and on... but no one of this things is really totally true. They are merely justifications. They are... palliatives. The lies I tell myself to go through the day and to not feel too much guilty if I don't do something right or if I have little relapses.
ReplyDeleteBut it's not true. Moreover, it's not all.
At last, I think that the main reason why I will never have the recovery you had, it's because I DON'T WANT. Not because I'm not strong enough, or smart enough... but because, maybe, I've lived anorexia for so many years that I couldn't imagine myself without. For a lot of years I've been only "the anorexic"... so, what about me, if I'll let it go and I won't be anorexic no more at all?
I'm not saying I want to be anorexic for my whole life: I'm trying to recover, I go to a shrink and to a nutritionist, and things go better than some years ago (ar last, I have a normal weight and I don't do checking)... but maybe I've reached a sort of "plateau": I admire people who are recovered, but at the same time I fear recovery, I feel like I need a little piece of anorexia inside myself forever, because it gives me an identity - the only one I found which is totally and truly mine, no the ones peoples wanted/wants from me.
So, you ask: WHY?
And I think the only sincere answer is: because I don't want. Right now, I still don't want.
But I hope I could change my mind in the future.
(Hope you've understood something... It's not easy to me to write some kind of things in Italian... and in English it's harder!... But I hope it makes a little bit sense...)
While I am on the way of finally getting somewhere with my recovery, somehow I doubt that it will stick. I know that might sound odd but I seem to screw things up a lot. Sometimes I self-sabotage. Even though I say that, I am still going to try as hard as I can to keep going in this direction.
ReplyDeleteI am not comfortable with myself enough to post a video, but I do want to comment on yours. I think I won't achieve that kind of recovery, because I give up on it. I will see a therapist and stop going. I will take medications I am supposed to for my anxiety, and then I will stop taking them. I allow myself to be controlled by those who create a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotion in my life. My eating disorder initial came about from physical and verbal abuse from my mother. A lot of the verbal abuse had a lot to do with my weight. I was sexual abused as a child, and it was never validated. And raped at college. Over and over again, I used my eating disorder to cope. I have never found anything that worked enough to cope. I don't feel I have the support from my family, therapist, friends, etc in recovery like I did in high school. I think this is also the reason I stop going to therapy - because there is no support. I feel like nothing gets accomplished. I will see one for 6 months, and quit, and see another one, because I can't find one that worked. The only one that did, was one who refused to see me anymore. I have been betrayed over and over again by doctors and therapists, and so I sort of lost faith in them.
ReplyDeleteI totally think full recovery is possible for me! I know what your talking about though, I hear a lot of women say this...
ReplyDeleteI do love this post though, you are doing a great THING!
Dana xo
http://happinessiswithinblog.com/
Because I gave up.
ReplyDeleteEverytime I tried to start a recovery journey, everytime I tried to go on, nothing's changed and I felt even worst.
When my body is OK, my mind is KO. And nothing changes.
So why climbing up again if I know the falling that is waiting for me?
J.