"Arielle's Mantra"

My fabulous fellow blogger, Medusa, posted something on her blog you should check out: Arielle's Mantra. Keep strong. Keep fighting.

A Little Video for a Quiet Wednesday

So I'm new at this YouTube thing, guys, but I thought I'd post a video of me doing some ED related slam poetry. You'll remember my recent post where I presented the written form of this piece, called "(Not So) Dear Eating Disorder." The video is me reading it, so the effect is somewhat different. Again, I'm new at taping myself, so it's not as dynamic and animated as I'd like. More to come, hopefully!

Keeping It At Bay

This may be the most difficult task of all: keeping your eating disorder at bay. Even when you’re doing well, it always seems to be there lurking, doesn’t it? It’s as though it’s waiting…watching…wondering when you will slip up so it can dive back in and bring you down with it. It isn’t exactly easy to continue on a path of recovery when you feel like one wrong move can quickly bring you down. It’s neither comforting nor helpful. But it is real.

You can stop this. You can keep it at bay. It will take some time—maybe a lot of time—but you can do it.

The first thing you need to remember is that (whether you feel it’s true or not) you have control. You. Not it. You.

Sure, an eating disorder is a powerful thing. It takes a lot of strength to break away from it. But once you break away, you hold it in your hand—and you can crush it.

Remember when you were a kid and you pulled up those white, fluffy, whispy dandelions, held them to your mouth and blew? The fluttering white whisps floated away in the breeze. And what you had left was a stem.

Now, picture your eating disorder as one of those flowers—complex and comprised of hundreds of little whispy fibers. You’re holding it in your hand. You have the power. You have the control. Then, blow it all away. Blow it far away and watch it get carried away in the wind. The past is gone. What you have left is the future. And a stem. A stem—the place where your eating disorder began—to help you remember what you’re leaving, to help you remember not to go back, to help you remember where you USED to be but want to be no more.

The trick to keeping your eating disorder at bay—besides remembering that YOU and you alone are in control—is finding something to help you fight back. There’s your eating disorder and then there’s you. You need to find something to be your barrier between the two…so that if you slip up, you are protected. You have a barrier. Something to help you combat the old habits and bad feelings.

You may already have found this barrier. Think about what you really love. I mean, really and truly enjoy no matter what. Maybe it’s drawing. Perhaps it’s rock climbing. It could be playing the piano. Or taking a long drive with your favorite music blasting.

Or as with me, it could be writing.

Whatever it is, use it. Keep it with you like a part of you. And when you’re struggling, when you slip up, when your thoughts get the better of you------go to that thing and give it your all.

Nothing can hurt you.

You’ll be okay.

The more you continue to this, the easier it will be to combat your eating disorder. It will seem farther and farther away—instead of making you feel like it’s looking over your shoulder.

You can get away. You can stay away.

Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It’s a simple concept that gets easier the more you do it. You have to be willing to give it your all. That’s the only way for the good to overpower the bad. It’s the only way to survive.

You’ve got all you need. Just use what you’ve got.

Free From the Fight

My heart leaps, and reaps…it gently seeps the lessons I’ve been taught. No longer caught, I live my life without the strife of pain, strain, or fear of gain—I’m free. The world has opened up to me. I see. Struggles past have hurt their last and I have cast a new light—and in my sight is everything. I sing. I bring with me the story. There is no glory—only fact. Exact truth. No age or youth. Just life and understanding, the helping-handing, the demanding…of solution. Revolution. Retribution. I’m here, I’m here—for restitution! I’ve found at length I have the strength to now survive…really thrive…to jump and laugh and come alive. I’ve stood my ground, I’ve looked and found, I’ve died and tried to live again. I can. I can! There is no wall, no battle call, no way to know when you might fall. You must stand tall. You must recall the way you do not want to live—then give, and give and give some more, ‘til you are spent and on the floor. And then, yes then, and only then—it’s time for your ascent. You’ll start out bent…but slowly you’ll stand tall again. You can.

(c) Arielle Lee Becker 2008

Anorexia.

Don’t forget about me, she says

As She twines her hands inside my hair

And yanks me close so I can hear

Her evil whisper in my ear.

Just when I’m doing great

And I can be myself again,

She jumps up on my back;

I can’t fight off the attack.

Don’t do this on your own, She says

Referring to my life.

She says, You need me, yes

And when She does this, I regress.

Just when I’m feeling better,

She throws herself right in my face

And I’m drowning, but just She

Can save me from the sea.

Don’t let go of me, She pleads

When I feel I’m getting well

And I cry and She feels better then

Until I’m doing fine again.

Just when I’m being positive

And I’m surrounded by good thoughts,

She breaks inside and screams

Until I let Her in my dreams.

Don’t forget about me, She says

As She pulls me closer still.

But at least for now I push Her away,

Tell Her I’m great, tell Her I’m great,

At least She’s gone just for today

And with Her went self-hate.

(c) Arielle Lee Becker 2004

***

I wrote this 4 years ago. It describes the kind of conversation I feel a person can have with an eating disorder--or at least part of an eating disordered mind. This poem speaks to me of the kind of desperation I used to feel when I was trying to get out...or at least wanted to recover, but Anorexia kept dragging me back, calling me back, or was causing me to slip up in my attempts to be rid of Her. I personified Anorexia because it's interesting and also--I think--easier to imagine being clutched at by a person rather than a concept or a disease. In the same fashion, I think it is easier to imagine breaking away from a person rather than an intangible element of your own brain. This poem also shows the day by day kind of mindset I had to go through to eventually get to where I am now. You can't just say "good bye" to something that has essentially ruled you for a long time, and run away free and clear. It doesn't work that way, as nice as that would be. You have to take it step by step, day by day. If you can be rid of it (or as my poem says, Her) for one day, you are that much closer to your goal. And though She may be back again tomorrow, you can try again to break away. Before you know it, you'll be pretty damn good at living your own life, fighting back. And later still, you will realize you are free at last.

Much love,

Arielle