Question # 21: When You Feel You've Exhausted the Topic

An anonymous reader recently wrote:


"Hi Arielle :) I'd really appreciate if you could give some advice on what to do when you feel you exhausted the subject of your ED with a friend, or family, in my case my boyfriend, yet you still feel like you do need to talk about it sometimes."



I'd start off by asking yourself a few simple questions.

Why do you feel you've exhausted the subject? Is it because of a reaction you get? Or is it because of a reaction you're afraid you'd get? Don't let fear get in the way of your needs.

Also: Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel like you're not being heard? Is it putting a strain on the relationship or are you just afraid it will?

Make sure you assess your particular situation. It's very important.

Talking about your eating disorder is not something you can give yourself a limit for. You can't say, "I will only talk about it 3 times this week and if I've reached my max and need/want to talk about it again, I won't." It doesn't work that way.

If you feel you are holding something in, it will put even more of a strain on your relationship and on yourself.

Remember that having an eating disorder is like many other things. If someone comes home every day and says, "I had a bad day," because they dislike their job, they are saying the same things regularly and you wouldn't tell them to be quiet.

It's true that it can be hard for people to listen to things about eating disorders (or your eating disorder in particular) on a constant basis. Just be aware of how often you talk about it and how they might feel. Also be aware if you are repeating yourself a lot. Where do you hope to get with bringing up the eating disorder?

You know as well as anyone else that listening to someone complain on a regular basis is not fun. So ask yourself if your eating disorder talks are productive or therapeutic or helpful. If they are just complaints, they aren't helping you or the person listening to you.

Also remember that your partner or friend is not your therapist. Some things are better discussed in therapy. There is a difference between requesting support or acknowledging something, and having a mentally draining conversation frequently. It's really hard for some people to listen to certain things that therapists are more accustomed to hearing. Not everyone is equipped to be able to deal with everything. If you're not in therapy, consider it. Could be you need that outlet to get your thoughts out and right now only have a special person in your life to discuss these things with and it's becoming too much.

That said, needing to talk about the eating disorder is normal and silence will not get your far in recovery. If you hesitate to speak up when you need to because of another person, you may need to evaluate your relationship with the person. If they are not willing to listen or will not try to understand why you need to keep talking about the eating disorder from time to time, the problem may be the relationship.

Anyone recovering from an illness or addiction needs support, and if you are not getting support in the right quantities or in the right ways, you need to be honest with yourself.

For some people, keeping a journal is enough to make them feel better. For others, talking about struggles and thoughts are necessary. If you are constantly wishing you could talk about something, but don't, your relationship is not healthy...and neither is your recovery.

Any successful relationship needs good communication. And any successful relationship needs support flowing both ways. Do you have these things?

It may be that the person with whom you are in a relationship is not able to give you the support you need. This happens. Some people can not give us what we wish they would give us. It is not necessarily the fault of the person and there is not necessarily anything you can do to change the relationship dynamic. Sometimes it's just about acceptance, which can be very hard. Always put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand what they are hearing from you and how it might make them feel. BUT don't do this at the cost of your own well-being. PLEASE remember that compromise is a solution, NOT completely giving up your desire to talk about something. If you keep quiet for someone else's sake because you feel or they feel that you have exhausted the subject, you are really cheating yourself.

Be aware.
Be thoughtful.
Be willing to compromise.
But do not be silent.
Your recovery will suffer.

A Common Bond

A friend recently informed me she had been reading this blog and that it really struck a chord with her. She hadn’t known about it and stumbled upon it randomly. She told me she read it avidly, every single post. She worried it was a violation of privacy, but I assured her it was a public site for a reason and I had no intention of hiding my battle with anorexia or my recovery from it.

I was extremely touched by her letter to me and very glad my blog had meant something to her, though she did not suffer from an eating disorder herself. She told me she had had some issues with food and body as well, and mentioned that she’d like to share her experiences with me. I can’t wait to have lunch with her and really talk.

It’s not that this friend didn’t know I had an eating disorder. She most certainly did. She just didn’t know I was writing about it, and then was unsure if I wanted her to find out that I was. Truth is, I want it out there. I feel it’s important. And a lot of people read it. And that’s okay with me. I have no problem talking to people about my past because it is a part of me and I have come a long way.

The topic of my eating disorder does not upset me. I examine my place in recovery every day in some form or another and I’m not afraid to talk about it, especially with people who want to understand. Really, a woman’s relationship with food is a more common thread between us all than we might realize. There are lots of different ways people use food, lots of different ways they cope, and lots of different ways they get healthy. I think it’s important to notice this.

My friend told me that she had her own journey to discover who she is and who she is with food. I like that she told me that. I feel closer to her just knowing she can relate to this blog. My friend also mentioned that she was worried about eating in front of me or about openly displaying her own habits she uses to keep herself healthy. As I told her, people don’t have to worry about eating in front of me or about the habits they use to keep themselves healthy. I have learned to not be triggered by these things. I will always be aware of eating disordered issues, but I can truthfully say that I consider myself recovered and I’m okay now. I would not have started this blog in the first place if I didn’t think I was strong enough to be someone who could help others. I’m great now! Happy, healthy, and very recovery-oriented. It doesn’t rule my life in the least, so to anyone who ever worried—I would say please don’t feel self-conscious about eating with me.

There was a time when I would have been uncomfortable to even go out to eat with any of my friends. That was a couple years ago now. For the last almost two years I’ve been actively recovering, gaining weight, staying healthy and fit at the same time, and working on learning about myself and my eating disorder. I’ve helped myself mentally. I’ve learned to live in the world at last.

In the letter my friend wrote me, she asked about my experience being mistreated by girls in middle school. And she had questions about the impact of my eating disorder on our own friendship. I tried to answer her as best I could. It’s often hard to come up with definitive answers in respect to eating disorders. At least that’s been my experience.

She was familiar with my middle school "mean girls" scenario. It messed me up for years even though I didn’t outwardly dwell on it much. I know she remembers. I didn’t realize how eating disordered this incident made me until later. It was definitely a weird kind of coping mechanism. The friend I’m speaking of was a great friend to me during that time and thankfully helped me cope in healthy ways along with my unhealthy ones.

I tried to get across to my friend that in the future, I’d be honored to be the listener if she wants to talk to me about her relationship with food. I think we can both understand each other well.

“I want to learn more than I already thought I knew,” she wrote to me. “ It's important as a woman and a future teacher, and as your friend.”

As I said to her, I think that’s wonderful. I feel that way too. It’s definitely a continuing goal of mine. And I so appreciate her saying it to me. It means so much and I’ve thought about that statement a lot since she wrote it to me a few weeks ago.

So, in closing, to my friend, I’d like to say: Thank you.

Here’s to honesty and sisterhood.