This week's video is on a topic I get asked about a lot.
Showing posts with label advice support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice support. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Taking Your Power Back (From Your Eating Disorder)
This week's video is a half reminder, half empowerment. :)
Passing It Along
Recent article by a teen - "What I Wish Parents Knew About Eating Disorders" - thought I'd share.
Check it out, parents and others!
Check it out, parents and others!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
When You Can't Get or Afford Help
Here's my weekly video and since I've gotten a lot of positive feedback regarding this topic, I wanted to be sure to share it. The video includes national resources, info regarding medical assistance, etc.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Thought You Might Like to Know...
that other people feel as I do! :)
These Letters to the Editor were published in the NY Times, in response to the article I discussed in my previous post. Rock on, recovery warriors. Click to read the published responses.
And thank you for all the wonderful and positive feedback I received regarding my own response to the detrimental article. I appreciate it so much!
These Letters to the Editor were published in the NY Times, in response to the article I discussed in my previous post. Rock on, recovery warriors. Click to read the published responses.
And thank you for all the wonderful and positive feedback I received regarding my own response to the detrimental article. I appreciate it so much!
Monday, May 2, 2011
HOPE for Recovery! Take THAT, NY Times!
Kat over at Recovering Inspirings asked me to do a guest post in response to last week's NY Times article, which had a distinctly negative slant on eating disorder recovery. Some amazing people were interviewed for the NY Times article, and yet after reading I was emotional and angry, and so were MANY others. Recovery is real! Here's what I have to say in a nutshell and you can find it over at the collaborative blog - Hope, Truth, and Possibility {{Guest Post}}
Please check it out, take heart, and have hope!
Please check it out, take heart, and have hope!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friendship, Eating Disorders, and Everyone's Right to Lead a Life
I received a message about something I think can be very helpful to many who are in recovery from eating disorders. I'd like to share with you the question (asking for advice) and my response, in the hope that it will give some clarity to others who are dealing with the same dilemma. I know it's a rather long post, but if you read it through to the end, I think you'll find it worth the time.
---"My best friend of 15 years (after ignoring me for a few months) decided to call me up last week and basically list out everything I've done wrong in the relationship over the past 15 years and how I've pretty much been a terrible friend this whole time. Furthermore, she seems to be putting some kind of condition on our friendship in terms of my eating disorder. She claims that I fail to take personal responsibility for it and that she can't handle all of the 'back and forth' (meaning relapses), that she doesn't like to see or hear from me when I'm not doing well, and that we basically can't be friends unless I can guarantee that I'll never be symptomatic or sick again. To an extent I can kind of see where she is coming from because I am sure it's not easy to watch a friend self destruct especially when it seems like they are doing it on purpose. I tried to explain it to her, but she didn't want to hear it. She's had 'enough.' I also tried to explain that I'm doing fairly well at the moment and the kind of progress I've made over the past few months (when she was ignoring my calls), to which she responded, 'yea, well, I don't know how long that's going to last.'
It seems like no matter what I do I can't win! Perhaps I'm too close to the situation and I'm not seeing it clearly (which is why I'm interested to know what you think) but to me this seems like an awfully conditional type of friendship, not to mention an impossible, unrealistic promise for me to make. She sent me this 'holier than thou' sounding e-mail about how she took personal responsibility for her life and how I never take any personal responsibility for mine. She and I were like peanut butter and jelly growing up and it would be devastating for this friendship to end, but I almost don't want to be friends with her anymore. I feel like friends are supposed to accept the good and the bad parts of each other, not just the parts they like. As you know, EDs are complex, especially if you've been dealing with one since childhood like I have. It takes a lot of work to fully conquer an ED and even to find a knowledgeable therapist who is a good 'fit.' I realize that when I engage in unhealthy behaviors I am making a choice to do so, but it's not as though I'm not also attempting to do other things to try and help myself.
Sorry this is so long, but what I am asking you is, do you agree with me when I say I think she's being unfair and unreasonable or is there something I'm missing? All of her e-mails (because she doesn't want to see or talk to me) have this condescending edge to them that make me feel like crap. I'd hate to let this friendship go, but at the same time hearing from her just makes me feel bad about myself and I don't think I should have to 'explain' my eating disorder to her or submit to this condition she is putting on the relationship. It's not like I anticipate or look forward to a relapse or anything, but I'm doubly stressed out now because I feel like I can't ever mess up again or else I'll ruin the relationship. I feel like friendship is supposed to make you feel good, not afraid of the other person's judgment. What are your thoughts? Should I go with my gut and just let go of this friendship?"---
Based on what you wrote, it does sound like your friend is being unreasonable. There is definitely a difference between watching someone purposely self-destruct and supporting someone who struggles in recovery. It is very hard for a lot of people to understand eating disorders and recovery (from anything) in general. For those who have not been through something similar, there is often a very black and white attitude. It may be easier for her to see things as all or nothing (meaning you get better and stay that way and she stays your friend or she’s done with you) because of her own feelings in regards to your circumstances.
We can’t make people understand what eating disorders are like – all we can do is explain them to the best of our ability and hope we get the support we need from those in our lives. You might want to ask yourself if she has been put through a lot in regards to your eating disorder. If she feels like the friendship has been a roller-coaster ride, she might feel emotionally unable to continue with it if there is still possibility for you to slip-up in the future. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and see it from a different angle: it’s really hard to go through ups and downs over and over again, if it seems like the same things continue to happen. It’s emotionally draining and she may just not have it in her to deal with it any longer. That is her right. If she is saying what she is saying, it might be a form of self-care on her own part.
That said, it sounds like she expects unrealistic outcomes from you and your recovery. Even if she is unable to be a support to you any longer and must put herself first because she can’t keep going through it, it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong and it doesn’t mean you aren’t trying hard enough.
If you were struggling and refused care, purposely sabotaged your recovery on a daily basis, or refused to listen to words of support and encouragement, it would be different. But if you are trying in recovery, putting forth effort, but having the normal slips and falls that anyone encounters along the way, it’s not as though you are putting your fingers in your ears and shutting every positive thing out.
You can and should ask yourself if you are doing all you can in recovery right now. If the answer is no, perhaps some of your defensive feelings lie in that. But regardless, a friend should not ask you to promise you will never have another bad time ever again in regards to your eating disorder. Your recovery in many ways is completely within your own control, but all things in your LIFE are not. No one can promise anything of such magnitude and friendship should not be based on ultimatums.
If the situation were different and you were plummeting day after day, farther and farther into your disorder and she told you to go get treatment or she could no longer be your friend, that is more of an interventionist tactic and is an ultimatum I could understand. But to expect you never to need support again through rough patches is unfair.
Again, if she feels as she feels, it’s her right. Not everyone can handle life with someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder. She cannot be faulted for that. BUT her feeling the way she does is not YOUR fault either.
Think of this example – if there is a husband and wife who have been together for years, enjoying good times and loving each other, and the man becomes an alcoholic, this will be difficult for the woman to handle. She may love him and support him as he struggles with the day-to-day issues. He may get help. She may continue to love him and be there for him. Perhaps he does well in recovery for a time. Then he relapses. This is even harder for the woman to handle. It affects her life too. He doesn’t want to be an alcoholic though, and is always trying to pull himself back up. He tries recovery again, does well, but has bad days. Sometimes he slips up. Every time, it’s harder and harder on his wife. Finally, after years of this – even though she knows he is trying to leave his alcoholism behind, she can’t endure it anymore. She wants him to promise he will never falter again or she must leave. He can’t make that promise because he is afraid of breaking it. All he can do is try his very best day by day and ask for her support. She does not have it in her to continue the marriage, because she has her own life to live and her own emotions with which to contend. She leaves him.
Neither of the people in this situation are at fault. One has a serious problem, but is ever working at recovery. One has love and support, but only to a certain point, and eventually must put herself first because it has gotten too hard. The husband has every right to say that all he can do is try his best and work at recovery every day, because he does not want to be an alcoholic. The wife has every right to say she cannot deal with his alcoholism anymore. It’s a crossroads.
Think of this story as your situation. The roles are essentially the same. Maybe the friendship has come to a close. Maybe in time, she will see your changes and understand that all you can do is take one day at a time, and will come back into your life. Maybe she will take a breathing period away from the friendship and come back with renewed hope, more reasonable expectations, and recharged stamina.
I’m sorry this is happening, especially because recovery is hard enough without losing a friend in the process, but you can only take each day as it comes and work with it. Self reflect, and whatever happens, understand that as long as you choose recovery every day, you are doing the most important thing. Whatever your friend does and thinks and feels is essentially out of your control. You can hope and talk and explain, but in the end, she can make a decision based on her own needs, and she should.
You may even feel relief if the friendship tapers off as it doesn’t sound like she is able to support you like a best friend would and should.
Good luck!
---"My best friend of 15 years (after ignoring me for a few months) decided to call me up last week and basically list out everything I've done wrong in the relationship over the past 15 years and how I've pretty much been a terrible friend this whole time. Furthermore, she seems to be putting some kind of condition on our friendship in terms of my eating disorder. She claims that I fail to take personal responsibility for it and that she can't handle all of the 'back and forth' (meaning relapses), that she doesn't like to see or hear from me when I'm not doing well, and that we basically can't be friends unless I can guarantee that I'll never be symptomatic or sick again. To an extent I can kind of see where she is coming from because I am sure it's not easy to watch a friend self destruct especially when it seems like they are doing it on purpose. I tried to explain it to her, but she didn't want to hear it. She's had 'enough.' I also tried to explain that I'm doing fairly well at the moment and the kind of progress I've made over the past few months (when she was ignoring my calls), to which she responded, 'yea, well, I don't know how long that's going to last.'
It seems like no matter what I do I can't win! Perhaps I'm too close to the situation and I'm not seeing it clearly (which is why I'm interested to know what you think) but to me this seems like an awfully conditional type of friendship, not to mention an impossible, unrealistic promise for me to make. She sent me this 'holier than thou' sounding e-mail about how she took personal responsibility for her life and how I never take any personal responsibility for mine. She and I were like peanut butter and jelly growing up and it would be devastating for this friendship to end, but I almost don't want to be friends with her anymore. I feel like friends are supposed to accept the good and the bad parts of each other, not just the parts they like. As you know, EDs are complex, especially if you've been dealing with one since childhood like I have. It takes a lot of work to fully conquer an ED and even to find a knowledgeable therapist who is a good 'fit.' I realize that when I engage in unhealthy behaviors I am making a choice to do so, but it's not as though I'm not also attempting to do other things to try and help myself.
Sorry this is so long, but what I am asking you is, do you agree with me when I say I think she's being unfair and unreasonable or is there something I'm missing? All of her e-mails (because she doesn't want to see or talk to me) have this condescending edge to them that make me feel like crap. I'd hate to let this friendship go, but at the same time hearing from her just makes me feel bad about myself and I don't think I should have to 'explain' my eating disorder to her or submit to this condition she is putting on the relationship. It's not like I anticipate or look forward to a relapse or anything, but I'm doubly stressed out now because I feel like I can't ever mess up again or else I'll ruin the relationship. I feel like friendship is supposed to make you feel good, not afraid of the other person's judgment. What are your thoughts? Should I go with my gut and just let go of this friendship?"---
Based on what you wrote, it does sound like your friend is being unreasonable. There is definitely a difference between watching someone purposely self-destruct and supporting someone who struggles in recovery. It is very hard for a lot of people to understand eating disorders and recovery (from anything) in general. For those who have not been through something similar, there is often a very black and white attitude. It may be easier for her to see things as all or nothing (meaning you get better and stay that way and she stays your friend or she’s done with you) because of her own feelings in regards to your circumstances.
We can’t make people understand what eating disorders are like – all we can do is explain them to the best of our ability and hope we get the support we need from those in our lives. You might want to ask yourself if she has been put through a lot in regards to your eating disorder. If she feels like the friendship has been a roller-coaster ride, she might feel emotionally unable to continue with it if there is still possibility for you to slip-up in the future. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and see it from a different angle: it’s really hard to go through ups and downs over and over again, if it seems like the same things continue to happen. It’s emotionally draining and she may just not have it in her to deal with it any longer. That is her right. If she is saying what she is saying, it might be a form of self-care on her own part.
That said, it sounds like she expects unrealistic outcomes from you and your recovery. Even if she is unable to be a support to you any longer and must put herself first because she can’t keep going through it, it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong and it doesn’t mean you aren’t trying hard enough.
If you were struggling and refused care, purposely sabotaged your recovery on a daily basis, or refused to listen to words of support and encouragement, it would be different. But if you are trying in recovery, putting forth effort, but having the normal slips and falls that anyone encounters along the way, it’s not as though you are putting your fingers in your ears and shutting every positive thing out.
You can and should ask yourself if you are doing all you can in recovery right now. If the answer is no, perhaps some of your defensive feelings lie in that. But regardless, a friend should not ask you to promise you will never have another bad time ever again in regards to your eating disorder. Your recovery in many ways is completely within your own control, but all things in your LIFE are not. No one can promise anything of such magnitude and friendship should not be based on ultimatums.
If the situation were different and you were plummeting day after day, farther and farther into your disorder and she told you to go get treatment or she could no longer be your friend, that is more of an interventionist tactic and is an ultimatum I could understand. But to expect you never to need support again through rough patches is unfair.
Again, if she feels as she feels, it’s her right. Not everyone can handle life with someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder. She cannot be faulted for that. BUT her feeling the way she does is not YOUR fault either.
Think of this example – if there is a husband and wife who have been together for years, enjoying good times and loving each other, and the man becomes an alcoholic, this will be difficult for the woman to handle. She may love him and support him as he struggles with the day-to-day issues. He may get help. She may continue to love him and be there for him. Perhaps he does well in recovery for a time. Then he relapses. This is even harder for the woman to handle. It affects her life too. He doesn’t want to be an alcoholic though, and is always trying to pull himself back up. He tries recovery again, does well, but has bad days. Sometimes he slips up. Every time, it’s harder and harder on his wife. Finally, after years of this – even though she knows he is trying to leave his alcoholism behind, she can’t endure it anymore. She wants him to promise he will never falter again or she must leave. He can’t make that promise because he is afraid of breaking it. All he can do is try his very best day by day and ask for her support. She does not have it in her to continue the marriage, because she has her own life to live and her own emotions with which to contend. She leaves him.
Neither of the people in this situation are at fault. One has a serious problem, but is ever working at recovery. One has love and support, but only to a certain point, and eventually must put herself first because it has gotten too hard. The husband has every right to say that all he can do is try his best and work at recovery every day, because he does not want to be an alcoholic. The wife has every right to say she cannot deal with his alcoholism anymore. It’s a crossroads.
Think of this story as your situation. The roles are essentially the same. Maybe the friendship has come to a close. Maybe in time, she will see your changes and understand that all you can do is take one day at a time, and will come back into your life. Maybe she will take a breathing period away from the friendship and come back with renewed hope, more reasonable expectations, and recharged stamina.
I’m sorry this is happening, especially because recovery is hard enough without losing a friend in the process, but you can only take each day as it comes and work with it. Self reflect, and whatever happens, understand that as long as you choose recovery every day, you are doing the most important thing. Whatever your friend does and thinks and feels is essentially out of your control. You can hope and talk and explain, but in the end, she can make a decision based on her own needs, and she should.
You may even feel relief if the friendship tapers off as it doesn’t sound like she is able to support you like a best friend would and should.
Good luck!
Friday, April 22, 2011
CHANGE with a Capital C
I talk about changing what you can and realizing that you have the ability to change your reality. I then talk about accepting what you cannot change. These things are key to both recovery and life!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Having Friends Who Are At All Points In Recovery
Interesting topic this week. Here are some things from my perspective, including a few links (linked in the video itself) to related videos of mine from the past.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Being Kind to Yourself
Bonus video for the week: Being Kind to Yourself. A bit less professional than my typical recovery videos. Special appearance by one of my cats, Juice.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sisterhood and Recovery
Yesterday was International Women's Day. I'd like to say how much I appreciate all the wonderful women in my life and I'd like to applaud all the amazing women out there who are fighting hard in recovery. And thank you to all the men who support the women in their lives. This week's video is in honor of International Women's Day. Check it out:
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Recovery Advice for the Bride-to-Be
Inspired by a viewer question and a response to what I believe is popular demand - here's a bonus video: Recovery Advice for the Bride-to-Be.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
New Tabs to Make Your Life Easier
You may have noticed that there are now new tabs directly under the header that will take you "special" separate pages on Actively Arielle. There is the home page, of course, where the main blog is updated.
Next there is "About Arielle," where you can read about the author instead of having a bunch of info shoved onto the left sidebar.
Then there is a tab called "Arielle's Mantra." This will take you to a page that holds - you guessed it - my mantra for recovery.
Then there is my new pride and joy - a tab called "Arielle's YouTube Videos By Topic." This separate page will always show you a video log. Here I have painstakingly compiled a LONG list of all my YouTube videos, organized by topic. One great thing about this is you won't have to hunt for specific ones. The other great thing is that everything is cross-listed in the categories, so "How to Get Past Hating Your Body" may be in the HOW TO section, but it will also be in the BODY ISSUES/BODY IMAGE section. This new tabbed page will be updated frequently, as I make new videos each week and they will be categorized and added. I think this will help readers/viewers find the things they are really looking for and also be able to get back to them (and others) easily. Please let me know what you think!
Next, there is a new tab called "Personal Posts" where you will find links to all the posts I have done that are about me/my experience specifically. There aren't many, as this blog isn't about me, but about helping YOU - but there definitely are some out there for the curious folks. I am still working on adding to the "Personal Posts" tab, so bear with me - I have to go back through more than 3 years of posts.
The last tab, which has yet to be added, will be "Arielle's Letters to YOU" and there you will find all the letters/declarations/and thank yous I have written to specific readers and all of you at large.
So grateful, as always, for your kind and thoughtful comments, emails, and messages. Keep fighting the good fight and enjoy the new top tabs. Hope they make life easier!
Next there is "About Arielle," where you can read about the author instead of having a bunch of info shoved onto the left sidebar.
Then there is a tab called "Arielle's Mantra." This will take you to a page that holds - you guessed it - my mantra for recovery.
Then there is my new pride and joy - a tab called "Arielle's YouTube Videos By Topic." This separate page will always show you a video log. Here I have painstakingly compiled a LONG list of all my YouTube videos, organized by topic. One great thing about this is you won't have to hunt for specific ones. The other great thing is that everything is cross-listed in the categories, so "How to Get Past Hating Your Body" may be in the HOW TO section, but it will also be in the BODY ISSUES/BODY IMAGE section. This new tabbed page will be updated frequently, as I make new videos each week and they will be categorized and added. I think this will help readers/viewers find the things they are really looking for and also be able to get back to them (and others) easily. Please let me know what you think!
Next, there is a new tab called "Personal Posts" where you will find links to all the posts I have done that are about me/my experience specifically. There aren't many, as this blog isn't about me, but about helping YOU - but there definitely are some out there for the curious folks. I am still working on adding to the "Personal Posts" tab, so bear with me - I have to go back through more than 3 years of posts.
The last tab, which has yet to be added, will be "Arielle's Letters to YOU" and there you will find all the letters/declarations/and thank yous I have written to specific readers and all of you at large.
So grateful, as always, for your kind and thoughtful comments, emails, and messages. Keep fighting the good fight and enjoy the new top tabs. Hope they make life easier!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Dear Readers, You're Not Alone
Now that National Eating Disorder Awareness Week has come to a close, there is a letter I'd like to share. It's a Thank You letter written by me... to all of you.
Dear readers,
Whether you are in the depths of despair, chugging along in recovery, maintaining new health and wellness, are a fellow activist, a worried parent, or a concerned friend or significant other, THANK YOU for coming here. Thank you for reading and listening. Thank you for recognizing that an eating disorder is not something of which to be ashamed, but something that requires help and support, like many other things in life. Thank you for trying, day to day.
You are not alone.
I'm on the other side of this screen, sending out positive energy and thoughts to everyone who needs them most. And out there are hundreds of other girls, boys, men, and women who are taking this journey with you. Eating Disorders feel lonely. They isolate you. They push others away. They make you feel like there's no one but you and the disease. It's simply not true. For every pair of eyes reading these words, there are dozens of others out there trying to win the same fight.
Keep your chin up, even when it feels like your head is being pushed under water.
Take one day at a time - there is no other way to do recovery.
The eating disorder might be your reality - but you can change your reality.
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR REALITY.
Some people don't know that. Some people realize it too late. Some people don't understand the concept.
It's true. You can change your reality. It doesn't have to be this way.
And you can start today.
With love, encouragement, and understanding,
Dear readers,
Whether you are in the depths of despair, chugging along in recovery, maintaining new health and wellness, are a fellow activist, a worried parent, or a concerned friend or significant other, THANK YOU for coming here. Thank you for reading and listening. Thank you for recognizing that an eating disorder is not something of which to be ashamed, but something that requires help and support, like many other things in life. Thank you for trying, day to day.
You are not alone.
I'm on the other side of this screen, sending out positive energy and thoughts to everyone who needs them most. And out there are hundreds of other girls, boys, men, and women who are taking this journey with you. Eating Disorders feel lonely. They isolate you. They push others away. They make you feel like there's no one but you and the disease. It's simply not true. For every pair of eyes reading these words, there are dozens of others out there trying to win the same fight.
Keep your chin up, even when it feels like your head is being pushed under water.
Take one day at a time - there is no other way to do recovery.
The eating disorder might be your reality - but you can change your reality.
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR REALITY.
Some people don't know that. Some people realize it too late. Some people don't understand the concept.
It's true. You can change your reality. It doesn't have to be this way.
And you can start today.
With love, encouragement, and understanding,
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Voices Unite!
Eating Disorder Awareness Week is almost over! What have you done for the cause?
It doesn't have to be something BIG.
If you wear an awareness ribbon, bracelet, or shirt, you are supporting the cause. By facilitating discussion over these items, you are spreading the word.
By telling your story, sharing your desire to help, or providing resources to those in need you are doing a great service.
If you are simply reading and re-posting important recovery related info, you are doing a great job of keeping the heart of ED Awareness Week beating strong!
Don't stop now. There are still 3 days left.
The sweet author of Butterflyshapes just did a post on me and I'm ever grateful and very honored. You can check out her blog and the piece here: Wednesday Warrior.
Keep using your voices, everyone!
It doesn't have to be something BIG.
If you wear an awareness ribbon, bracelet, or shirt, you are supporting the cause. By facilitating discussion over these items, you are spreading the word.
By telling your story, sharing your desire to help, or providing resources to those in need you are doing a great service.
If you are simply reading and re-posting important recovery related info, you are doing a great job of keeping the heart of ED Awareness Week beating strong!
Don't stop now. There are still 3 days left.
The sweet author of Butterflyshapes just did a post on me and I'm ever grateful and very honored. You can check out her blog and the piece here: Wednesday Warrior.
Keep using your voices, everyone!
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