Coping with Disaster and Death While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

This week's video is an important one if you have ever struggled (or are struggling) with loss of any kind. The second half of the video is key.

Arielle's Word of the Day #19: TEARS

Well, I suppose it's only natural that today's word is tears, when yesterday's word was laughter. I did create this challenge after all. :-)

With laughter comes tears. With good comes bad. With happiness comes sadness. All are part of life.

Today I choose to write about shame...because for me, it was very much related to tears.

Shame. It's a word that trembles with negative feeling. It's a word that has a lot of power. It's a word that I used to associate with my eating disorder.

I felt shame when I restricted, when I counted calories or felt crazy, when I threw away food that I couldn't bring myself to eat, when I worried my friends and family. But most of all, I felt shame when I cried.

When I cried, I felt so weak and so helpless and so out of control that I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I couldn't fathom someone being as stupid as I was. I couldn't understand how a girl with a brain could hurt her entire family and all her dear friends by continuing on a path of self destruction. It wasn't rational. It was shameful. At least in the eyes of a girl struggling with anorexia.

My shame when I cried overpowered me. I took to crying in private, waiting until doors were locked and my dorm room/apartment/bathroom where empty and I was the sole occupant. I cried in the shower. I cried in bed at night, in the dark, silently, when my room mate was but feet away in her own bed. But sometimes--when my life and my emotions and my pain became too much--I cried in front of someone. And that was when the shame flooded my face with heat and made me wish I were dead. If I cried in front of a friend, I would instantly apologize over and over again. I would shake my head and cover my face as though to say, "Don't look at me!" If I cried in front of my parents, it was worse still. I had to walk--no, run--away; the shame was just too great.

Once, I cried in front of an eating disorder therapy group of which I was a member. All eyes were on me. I was explaining something or telling some weekly tale, and out came the tears in a torrential cascade. I was mortified. And the therapists and participants alike were stunned--because they'd never seen me cry before. I couldn't SPEAK for the rest of the group session; I was so overcome with shame. Shame had in me in a fierce and unyielding grasp.

I'll never forget the time I cried in front of my former therapist. I had been going to her for about 2 years at that point. One particular day, she was prodding me about something that was a tender point. I was getting angry. I was getting upset. I was getting... overwrought. I was becoming a mess. I let go. I cried. I bawled. I couldn't stop and I couldn't speak for a moment or two. I played my old game of covering my tear-sodden face with my hands and apologizing. When I looked at my therapist again, she was smiling. No, grinning. I was dumbstruck. But I'll never forget what she said to me: "I can finally see YOU. The real you." I questioned her with my disbelieving eyes and she said, "Finally you are giving me something. You're not closing off or holding it in. You're crying. Sometimes you need to cry." It had a real effect on me.

I've since transformed her words to mean: "Sometimes you need to cry in order to get better." I've learned that being ashamed of something real serves no purpose and will only keep you from gaining ground. I've also learned that by crying, you can get out some of the bad that's inside and make room for the good. I applied this whole concept and attitude to my eating disorder in general. So much shame enveloped me that I couldn't get past what was going on inside me. I had to come to terms with the shameful behaviors and feelings in order to move forward.

Shame is a dirty word. An anagram for shame is: has me. And have me it did. I think of that when I feel shame about something. I don't want to be had by anything. I want to turn it around. If eating disorder = shame, then it stands to reason that if you get rid of the shame, you are that much closer to getting rid of the eating disorder. It certainly was an important step for me.

For Those in the Depths of Despair

If you're struggling a lot right now, this is for you.

Dear Readers, You're Not Alone

Now that National Eating Disorder Awareness Week has come to a close, there is a letter I'd like to share. It's a Thank You letter written by me... to all of you.

Dear readers,

Whether you are in the depths of despair, chugging along in recovery, maintaining new health and wellness, are a fellow activist, a worried parent, or a concerned friend or significant other, THANK YOU for coming here. Thank you for reading and listening. Thank you for recognizing that an eating disorder is not something of which to be ashamed, but something that requires help and support, like many other things in life. Thank you for trying, day to day.

You are not alone.

I'm on the other side of this screen, sending out positive energy and thoughts to everyone who needs them most. And out there are hundreds of other girls, boys, men, and women who are taking this journey with you. Eating Disorders feel lonely. They isolate you. They push others away. They make you feel like there's no one but you and the disease. It's simply not true. For every pair of eyes reading these words, there are dozens of others out there trying to win the same fight.

Keep your chin up, even when it feels like your head is being pushed under water.
Take one day at a time - there is no other way to do recovery.
The eating disorder might be your reality - but you can change your reality.
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR REALITY.
Some people don't know that. Some people realize it too late. Some people don't understand the concept.

It's true. You can change your reality. It doesn't have to be this way.
And you can start today.

With love, encouragement, and understanding,

Active Change

Active Change!

My Responses to YOUR Answers to My Why Video

I know it's been video land lately on my blog, which is funny, because my first love and main staple is writing. I guess it's easier for me to just post videos on days that I am busy (which seems to be every day lately!) because I already have a commitment to make them anyway.

I posted a video not too long ago, in which I asked you why you felt that you couldn't achieve the same recovery I have. It's something I hear so often and I was trying to challenge that. I received so many responses, as comments on YouTube, as emails, as messages, and as comments on here - so I began making a video to address your answers to my question. It turned out to be two videos, and now seems like when all is said and done it will be three videos. :) Three parts, that is.

So, here are Part One and Part Two of My Responses to Your Answers to My Why Video. Part Three will be on its way by the end of the week.

PART ONE:


PART TWO:

The Age Old Question

People have been asking me lately: "Are the thoughts really gone?" And the answer is: "Yes!" But what does a one-word answer really do for someone who wants to know the details of the essence of it all? So today, I'm going to direct you to a post of mine from one year ago. If you've read it before, read it again. Understand my main point: being "recovered" isn't about always being happy 100% of the time—it's about knowing what to do when you're not.

The old post, called Are the Thoughts Really Gone? can be found here.

What Gives You Hope?

In this life, in this stage of wanting recovery, or of being in recovery, what gives you hope?

Perhaps it's a large goal, like wanting to have a child one day.

Perhaps it's a smaller idea, like being able to truly be yourself around a particular friend.

Hell, it could even be a soothing cup of tea late at night, when you're snuggling into your sofa, reveling in the time to yourself at the end of a long day and feel at peace.

Today, I'm not talking about plans you have to make or concepts you need to manage in order to keep going. I'm talking about hope. Pure, simple, unique-to-everyone hope.

What gives you hope? For the future? For each day as it stands alone?

Figure out what gives you hope. And if you can't think of something, you're not trying hard enough.

You may not have a support system. Your family maybe hurting your recovery rather than helping it. You may have been abused or bullied or treated unfairly. You may feel completely alone. You may be sick. You may be tired. You may be busy beyond belief.

But there is always hope. It's up to you to find it. I promise you, no matter how bleak things seem, the hope is there. It may be a tiny sliver barley showing itself... but it is there. And if you don't find it and hold it close, you're only keeping yourself in the dark.

Move towards the light, people! Grab the hope.

Question # 13: How to Fill the Void

Well, your questions are still coming! I’ll keep going until the questions run dry, so if there’s anything at all you want to ask, just leave a comment on any post and I’ll collect them and go from there. No need to backtrack to the original Q & A post.

Question # 13 comes from Stella:

“How can you fill the void you feel when you stop restricting so you can't count on anorexia ‘support’?”

Excellent question! I did a post about this a long time ago, back in 2007. I called it “Filling the Gap.” This is something a lot of people struggle with as they try to recover, and it’s a concern for a reason. Letting go of something so all-consuming is difficult. It stands to reason that you wouldn’t want to be left with a void after you “let go.” That wouldn’t feel very good.

Check out the link to my old "Filling the Gap" post for some elaboration. It all centers around the question: What do you want to do?

The more open-ended the question, the better. Your life is like a blank canvas and you get to paint it.

Sometimes it's hard to remember what it is we actually like to do. Sometimes we never even learned what those somethings are. We never had time. We were all-consumed with our eating disorders. But there is beauty in discovering what we're good at, what we enjoy, what makes us smile or feel accomplished (besides eating disordered behavior), what makes us laugh or tap into our creative sides.

I challenge you to find out. I challenge you to rediscover (or to discover for the first time) what you enjoy about this world, this life. There is a plethora of wonderfulness out there waiting. All you have to do is start with the question What do I want to do? and then go DO it. It's often as simple as that.

Question # 12: Turning Away from Self-Hate AND Behaviors

Question # 12 comes from Stella. It’s one of two questions she posed, but the second one will come later, as this post is quite lengthy. She asks,

“How do you react when you feel hate for yourself and your body? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself or restricting?”

As a woman who loves her body now (or at least likes it most of the time!), trust me when I say that you can in fact learn to stop hating yourself AND your body. This is one of the main things people struggling with eating disorders (especially those who are women) think is impossible. What I hear a lot is, “It may be possible...but not for me.” Let me tell you, ladies (and men), cut that way of thinking right out of your brain. Carve it out of there and throw it away. It IS possible for you...if you LET it be possible. And if you realize that you may have to garner an extreme amount of patience in order to wait for this sort of self-hate to dissipate.

Are you with me?

The first thing you need to ask yourself is: What are the circumstances surrounding my feelings of hate for myself and/or my body?

-Did you just discover you’d been rejected in some way by a person, a program, etc?

-Were you unsuccessful in an endeavor you had hoped to master/finish/etc?

-Did you just eat (whether it was too much or too little)?

-Did you just weigh yourself and not like the number?

-Did you just attempt for a long time to choose clothing to wear and were still unsatisfied with the choice you made?

-Did you just endure a hurtful/stressful/uncomfortable time with your family or friends?

These are just a few of the circumstances that can play a part in how you are feeling about your body. They affect why you react the way you do (to yourself) and the way you look. You have to pose questions to yourself in order to analyze what you are feeling.

You know how people chart anything and everything these days? Their menstrual cycle, their meals, their ovulation, their money spent, etc? Well, chart your self-hate. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that you feel self-hate all the time, so how can you chart it? Well, look at this question above from Stella. It’s obvious that even if you generally don’t like yourself, you feel particular instances of self-hate or body hatred that make you want to restrict/binge/purge/cut/etc. It’s THESE times to which I’m referring.

You’re also probably thinking: Wow, Arielle just told me to chart my self-hate. What the hell? But think about it. If you keep a journal page or a chart specifically to record each time you feel the urge to restrict, purge, or self-harm in some way, you will begin to see the patterns. You will begin to realize what it’s all about. You learned about cause & effect in school and this is it, guys. You already KNOW the effect (your body hatred and behavior of choice)—it’s time to figure out the cause.

So mark it down. Mark down the date, the time, what you’re feeling, and what just happened in your day. You’ll begin to see a clearer picture of what’s going on. You may also begin to see that you tend to feel worse on a particular day of the week because of something, or during a particular time in your cycle, or on days you see a certain person. These are good things to discover because you will learn to be more aware, more prepared, and more ready to combat them.

You will know from the moment you wake up on a given day that it’s probably going to be a hard day for you (for whatever reason, based on your “chart”) and you can give yourself extra boosts of encouragement, have a plan already in place for what to do if you feel the urge to act on a behavior, and above all, not be caught off guard when that self-hate starts to rage inside you.

Another question you want to ask yourself is: Is jealousy/envy/comparison part of my feelings of this self-hate/body hatred?

For example,

-Did you just watch a TV show/movie/commercial that made you feel badly about yourself? That triggered you? That caused you to compare yourself to the person or people?

-Did you spend the day with a friend you envy? Does being with this friend make you feel badly about yourself?

-Do you feel “not sick enough” or “not thin enough” or “not pretty enough” based on something you saw or something someone said?

The last question you might want to ask yourself is: Does this time of year affect me more than others?

-Many people have seasonal depression or even just feel less comfortable during particular months of the year.

-Summer can be a trigger for people who constantly worry about being seen in less clothing, like tank tops or bathing suits, or because they continue to see other people in tank tops or bathing suits, which causes them to get down on themselves or wish they looked different.

-Certain months can be a trigger for people because of holidays, like an impending Thanksgiving with food and family...or the month of December because of Christmas, Hanukkah, etc...or even the New Year, because it often causes people to reflect, berate themselves, or make unhealthy resolutions.

Awareness is KEY.

So, what do you do when you feel overwhelmed instead of hurting yourself?

-You make a Plan B. You list a whole bunch of things you can do instead of the behavior when you have an urge (or make a Coping Bank, which is essentially the same idea). That way, when the urge happens, you have options at your fingertips and don’t have to rely on your overwhelmed mind.

-You find a support person. Tell somebody as soon as the urge hits you. Example: Eat your meal and then when you’re dying to go throw it up, text someone, call them, whatever. You can text to say, “I just ate and I’m having a really hard time not throwing it up.” Sometimes the act of just telling someone how hard you’re struggling in that moment helps a lot. You know someone else is rooting for you. You know someone else wants you to stay strong. When you know someone is on the other end, they’re holding you accountable. Maybe it’s something you need for now.

-You take your pain and anger out on something else, other than YOU. Punch a pillow relentlessly. Have a couple of notebooks on hand in which you can tear up whole handfuls of pages when you’re frustrated and have the urge to take it out on yourself in some way. Cry, if it helps. Scream. (Trust me, it’s a lot less silly than harming yourself.)

-Try to do something to distract you WHILE you are eating. For example, watch TV while eating dinner so you’re not looking down at a plate and only focusing on what you’re eating. If you do something really engrossing, you may find that you’ve eaten your dinner and haven’t had the urge to purge. You could also talk with someone on the phone while eating (if that doesn’t make you too uncomfortable) to take your mind off what you’re doing and allow you to eat a healthy amount without stopping and denying yourself...and keep the conversation going after you’re done so that you can’t go throw up, if that’s a behavior you’re trying to avoid. Hopefully the feeling will pass before the conversation is over. Read a book while eating. Or do some kind of hobby while you’re eating. Might take you a little longer, but it’s helpful. One bite at a time is still a meal if you do it long it enough. :)

-I’ve also found that eating very small amounts multiple times (opposed to eating one regular sized meal) can help you feel like you are not eating a lot and therefore feel less likely to want to throw up or stop before you’ve actually had enough (i.e. restrict). You could eat a very small something, then half an hour later, eat the next bit, then a half hour later eat the next bit. It’s a little bit of a pain in the ass, but if it helps curb the feeling of wanting to throw up or helps you to get more nutrients because you're not restricting, it’s worth doing for a little while. It’s less scary than eating a whole dinner-sized portion at one time if that’s something that bothers you.

-For those who purge: You can put a picture of your child or your best friend or even YOURSELF as a child (very effective) on the underside of the toilet seat, so that when you go to purge, you see it. It’ll make you stop and think a second before going through with it. Even if it doesn’t stop you entirely, it will make you pause and hopefully the longer it is there, the more likely you will be to second guess what you’re doing and stop before it happens. The key is to put up a picture of something really meaningful, something that is reason not to purge. But just putting it up on a mirror won’t do. And just looking at that person or that photo throughout the day won’t do either. You have to strategically put it where it’s going to hit you the most. Where it’s going to make you feel sad about what you’re doing to yourself. It can be motivation in the right direction.

Really good question, Stella.

Question # 4: Beyond Negativity...

“How can you find positivity and strength to fight against anorexia, when all around - and, moreover inside - you spread negativity?”

Start inside and work your way out. It’s no easy task, but if you work on what’s inside of you first, the rest will follow. Positivity and strength aren’t things you find, they are things you realize, things you tap into, things that you must force yourself to remember time and time again.

The strength is there. If you think it isn’t, you won’t find it. If you tell yourself you don’t have what it takes to be positive and strong, you won’t be.

Try simple things to add some positivity and strength to your life.

-Create a special playlist with strong, recovery oriented songs that have a positive message—a message that makes you want to keep fighting.

-Keep a journal REGULARLY and get out most of your negativity there. That way, you won’t be berating yourself as constantly because you’ll have an outlet. The plus: you won’t be spreading negativity all around either—it’ll be kept in one place, between two covers of a book.

-Use Post-Its. They’re quite an invention. Force yourself to write positive phrases and stick them where you’ll see them. Your mirror, for one. Your computer. Your desk. Your refrigerator. Right smack dab on the calendar page of your planner. Even on the underside of the toilet seat if it’ll help you.

-Pummel a positive message into your head, especially one that’s difficult for you to swallow. For example, my daily cell phone idea.

I realize that these things won’t keep you positive and strong 100% of the time. But they’re a start. And don’t underestimate the power of asking for help when you need it. It takes so much strength. So if you’re looking to be strong, do that. It’s a test. And it can’t hurt.

One big thing: Instead of getting angry at yourself and calling YOURSELF “stupid” and other choice names, get angry at it. In your case, as the question above states, anorexia. (Insert "bulimia, ednos, orthorexia, binge eating, etc.) You have the power to turn things around. You do. But getting angry at yourself is only going to spread more negativity. Channel your anger in the right direction—at the source of your pain. Not at another person or at circumstances in your life. Not at yourself. AT IT. At this disease.

It might make you feel more empowered... STRONG, if you will. :) Use it.

*All links direct to more elaboration on my answer to the question. :)

A Response: Making A Change...

I'd like to respond publicly to another comment I received on my latest video post in the hopes that others out there are pondering the same thing and looking for some encouragement.


"Things got better for a few days, and then a week, until I find myself staring at the same question - do I WANT to get better and be more than this? I fight it everyday and some days I give up and give in...other days I'm strong (so to speak) and don't eat at all, I can't allow it. How did you go about making that change? I can't seem to find the middle ground, or even solid ground at this point to stand on. It's either all or nothing, black or white..."


The "all or nothing" attitude is something I understand well. I think many of us feel that way. So, at the very least, you're not alone. It is, nevertheless, frustrating.

But first things first: if you are writing that paragraph above--if you're bothering to take the time to write to me, to even come here and read my blog--you do in fact WANT to get better and be more than "this." It might not seem like you want it when bad days come around, but bad days only last so long. If you're here, you're at a starting point. Or perhaps a middle point. Or better yet--a breaking point.

And you can get past it. But you have to believe you can get past it. You have to take yourself by the shoulders, figuratively speaking, and say, "You can do this and you WILL do this." Nothing can come before that first move.

Part of recovery is that every day struggle you speak of. It's a process. It's a journey. It's a tough place. But you're moving. Because you don't sit there, day after day, with the exact same mindset. You question. You falter. You feel. You hurt. You are at a loss. But you're getting somewhere. You're not stagnant and still. Know what I mean?

It may actually (and understandably) be more frustrating to let days turn to a week or more of doing well, and then BAM--you suddenly feel you're back where you started. It's a let down. It's annoying. It certainly doesn't make you want to keep going, to try again. I feel ya on that one. You're forgetting one important thing, though: You aren't starting over from scratch. Those steps forward you made are not discounted or negated by the fact that you are now stalled again. If you start at point A and you are trying to get to point B, but you stop halfway there, it doesn't mean you're back at point A, does it?

No.

It simply means you're in the middle, waiting. You might not have the strength or the stamina to keep going at this particular moment. But when you do decide to get moving again, heading towards point B, you won't be back where you started... as long as you don't let yourself move backward.

Remember to give yourself credit where credit is due. But back to the question at hand... how do you go about making that change?

The simple answer (but nevertheless, the true one) is: Gradually.

It's a process, as most things are. And you have to do your best to stay aware of everything you're doing and thinking. You have the power to make yourself stop in your tracks, but you have to channel it. You make the change by deciding this isn't the life you want. It's okay if you don't know how to GET to the life you want; all you have to do is want it. I wrote about my conscious decision/my turning point in my post Remembering the Realization. It's completely my personal experience, but perhaps you can pull something from it.

Hold on to the little part of you that you want to nurture and heal. Go with it when you're feeling particularly strong or motivated. Write a letter to yourself. Be kind, be helpful, and explain in detail what you want to be able to do for yourself. Keep it. Re-read it. Ponder it. Let it resonate. There's a post back from 2007 in which I shared a letter to myself from even longer ago. That is an example.

One more thing you need to keep in mind: You have unlimited chances. Do not give up. Don't ever give up. I'm rooting for you.

A Response - Tried & True

It's gonna be a long one, folks. This week, someone left a comment on my latest post Video: To the Girl. I read the comment several times, and every time I began a reply, I realized I had far too much to say to simply keep it in the comments section. Furthermore, the way this commenter feels is how so many eating disorder sufferers feel. She is precisely who I was writing/speaking to in To the Girl and I’m glad she chose to leave a comment, so that I, in turn, could offer more. So today, I’d like to display her comment and my (lengthy) response. Thanks, J. I hope you will keep fighting.

“I've listened to your poetry, and I think I am locked inside the only place where I feel sheltered, where I feel safe. With anorexia I lost myself in my search to find something else to hide behind the real me. And now, I have nothing. Now I am only ‘the girl0. And I don't know what to do.

J.”

J.-

It’s understandable that you’re feeling at a loss. No amount of words or videos will be able to break you out of the place in which you feel you are locked. What a scary thing to feel trapped inside a place of safety while at the same time feeling you are nothing but a shell.

I struggled with anorexia myself and I lost myself too. Or rather, I put my whole self on hold and hid. Every day I hid. Only as I got better and better was I able to realize that there was so much more to me than my eating disorder. If you don’t like the real you, the first step is to begin that process. When you feel okay with yourself, but feel you have no identity, step two comes into play.

You only think you have nothing, but really, you have tools. The hard part is discovering how those tools work and you can bring yourself to begin using them. None of this is easy. And of course, at many points in this process, we all feel like giving up—or even that nothing is working. Thing is, this difficult days and the pain we feel as we experience what it’s like to live without an eating disorder are part of this process. And who wants to sign up for THAT?

It’s scary at best. But you know what? It’s necessary. Or what you’re doing is kissing your life good bye. And let’s face it, life as you know it right now isn’t so great.

After reading your reply, I immediately remembered three specific blog posts I’ve written in the past two years. I found them and I’d like to repost bits here, as they apply. Full links are also offered, in case you’d like to read more. In my post We Are All Special, I touched on something that hits home for so many of us:

So often, there is a feeling of "specialness" associated with having an eating disorder. It's a big part of the reason people are afraid to really recover. They fear losing that specialness, that part of them that makes them someone, that feeling of power, that deep seated persona.

The thing is, we are all special. Specialness does not die with your eating disorder--it just gets re-applied, reassigned to something WORTH that feeling.

I went on to question our thoughts and put the facts in front of our faces, but I ended with:

Your mission, if you choose to accept it: FIND OUT what REALLY makes you special.

Because I promise you--it's NOT your eating disorder.

In my post Filling the Gap, I discussed the problem we all have to face at one time or another: what to do when we decide to leave our eating disorder behind. We’re left with nothing and suddenly there’s a lot of empty space. It can be daunting. I talked about all that is waiting for us if we bother to discover it:

And there is so much waiting for you. There are a thousand possibilities at your fingertips, from the simple every day things to the more complex life goals. You just have to ask yourself one question.

What do you want to do?

It’s an open question with many possible answers…and that’s the beauty of it.

I asked a lot of questions:

What's in your head and your heart? What are your passions? What makes you feel good?

Do you want to make new friends? Do you want to go back to school? Do you want to get out in the job world? Do you want to pursue a dream you’ve often had in the back of your mind? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to travel?

But of course, we can’t always do everything we want to do. The fact of the matter is:

A lot of things can prevent us from doing what we want to do. BUT—and this is a big but—you never let things be an issue when finding a way to fit your eating disorder into your daily life, did you?

I asked you to think about what makes you happy and come up with three things;

Then find a way to incorporate them into your life. Fill that gap.

I can see that this post is already about as long as I anticipated it would be, but I have more to say. You spoke of being locked inside a place and what I need to tell you is that YOU have the keys. In my post Locks and Keys, I tried to figure out when everything started for me. I questioned the importance of knowing where it all came from and I described early memories and events. I explain feeling special for being the thinnest girl. I asked:

Why do memories like this embed themselves in our brains to be picked apart later in life?

Is the brain molded from an early age in a way that could possibly fuel anorexia? Or is the brain already predestined by its very makeup to struggle with anorexia?

But then:

Questions, questions, questions. I don't think the answer is the important thing.

I think learning yourself, figuring out what to do with what your mind IS—no matter how it got that way—is the key.

The real question is: If you have the key, where is that lock? Or more specifically, where are all the locks?

We have so many locks within us. Some pertain to past behaviors. Some pertain to guarded memories. To abuse. To family. To bullying. To trauma. To friends. To pain. To sadness. To depression. There are many locks.

What takes so long is finding them all—each and every one—and inserting that key. And turning it. And watching that flicker of light that happens when you have an epiphany…or a revelation…or a moment of peace.

Peace.

I know I make it sound easy—and it’s anything but easy—but you have to be willing to see it as it is and give it a shot if you want things to change. Some of the locks are hidden, but once you find them all, you’re on your way.

It's tough to get there. It's tough to find all those locks and make the (courageous) decision to turn that key. But it's something to look forward to. And something to work toward.

And it WILL happen.

And one day you'll be free.

I hope I’ve made sense today. For you, J. and for all “the girl"s out there looking for answers, guidance, or just a little encouragement. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I know what’s tried and true… and I would never suggest anything I haven’t tried myself. Recovery—freedom—is possible. Believe that first…

Keep the faith,

Arielle

Video: To the Girl

The Heart of the Matter

Why can't the body you have be right? Why isn't your body right?


You might say:

Because it's too fat.

OR

Because it's too ugly.


You might say:

Because it's too short.

OR

Because it's too disproportionate.


You might say:

Because it's too flabby.

OR

Because it's too scrawny.



But what you really mean is:

Because it's mine.


I mean, think about that for a solid minute. It's true, isn't it? The reason you really hate your body isn't because it's too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that. Because, let's face it, you're a lot more forgiving of all those things when you see them somewhere else besides on YOU.

You hate your body because it's yours. Get to the heart of the matter. You have to go within to channel your hate into something positive. Changing what you dislike about your body isn't really the way to stop hating it.

Ask. Answer.
Why can't the body you have be right?
Why isn't your body right?

Because it's mine.

So, what are you going to do about it?

(Not So) Dear Eating Disorder---

I'm furious at all the things that rise within and break my wings. The pain is great, the room is small, and I'm within it, standing tall. Yes, here I am--I give a damn--I'll give this door one final slam. I'm stronger than the past that's been--I call the shots; I'll tell you when! And if you think, unwanted guest, that one day soon you'll get the best of this young woman, I won't rest until you truly, finally see that you're just you but I am ME! I've learned too much, I've traveled far, and I know what you really are--so don't you for one second think that you will find that tiny chink within my armor, within my soul--I'm on to you, I'm in control! And as I live and breathe today, I vow to conquer every way the little bit of you that's left--and trust me, I won't feel bereft. I know the feeling freedom brings and with some healing, I'll have wings that work and move and fly again--I call the shots; I'll tell you when!


That one's for me and for all of you.

Out with the Old, In with the New

Get rid of the stuff that's holding you back.

What have you outgrown (not in a physical sense, unless that's somehow relevant)? Think on it. You are still allowed to MISS what you've outgrown, but that doesn't change the fact that you've outgrown it.

On that note, what DON'T you miss? Use that as a force to push you in a better, more positive direction. We all have memories of days, months, and even years we'd rather forget. Perhaps you'd like to wash away some recollection of pain or misery? The thing is, in NOT forgetting about it, we become stronger people. So, don't erase. Instead, remember. And then ask yourself, "Why don't I miss that?" And use it like a tool to propel yourself forward.

What aren't you quite ready for? Be honest with yourself. It's okay to realize you're not exactly ready for everything all at once. Not many of us are. It can still be a tangible goal, whatever it is you're not quite ready for--because you just have to tell yourself: I'm not ready for it YET.

And finally, when all these questions have been asked and perhaps re-asked, ask the most important question of all: What are you looking forward to?

What are you waiting for? I can't answer that FOR you! :)

We Are All Special

I know that sounds like something out of a children's book, but it's true. So hear me out.

So often, there is a feeling of "specialness" associated with having an eating disorder. It's a big part of the reason people are afraid to really recover. They fear losing that specialness, that part of them that makes them someone, that feeling of power, that deep seated persona.

The thing is, we are all special. Specialness does not die with your eating disorder--it just gets re-applied, reassigned to something WORTH that feeling.

Why are bones special? Or feelings of hunger? Or conquering those feelings of hunger? Or being in control of depriving ourselves day after day? Why is self-sabotage special? Will holding onto unhealthy ways really keep us special? It's a fallacy. Believe me. It is.

Depression. Dying. Misery. Pain. Confusion. Since when are those things special? I mean, really special?

Your mission, if you choose to accept it: FIND OUT what REALLY makes you special.

Because I promise you--it's NOT your eating disorder.

Out of the Woods

Sometimes, remembering the hell of anorexia is frightening in the same way a nightmare is still frightening after you wake up. You know it's not real anymore, but you can't help feeling uneasy about it.

When I think of the girl I used to be, the pain I used to feel, the hole in which I used to live, I seem to stop breathing for a mere millisecond. Because I am consumed with the old feeling of desperation and fear and loathing. Then the instant passes--and quickly--because I am enveloped with the wonderful relief that I'm all right now. I've gotten out. I've made it through. And life is good. Actually good. I love life.

And I breathe that heavy sigh, letting air back into me, letting the memories flood back in a fashion I can handle now that my brain is completely aware that it's all in the past.

I can use my old pain to create new things--important things--and help other people. It wasn't all for nothing. It wasn't a struggle that I erased from my mind like it never happened. I can do something beneficial with the whole experience. Now.

I like to use this analogy when talking about my eating disorder, my recovery from it, and my recovered state: I'm out of the woods now. But I live in a house a mile down the road.

I think it symbolizes what being recovered is like. You're successfully out of danger. You're away from it. And you're happily living somewhere else. But you'll never forget it. And it's always there, at a distance, because it used to be a part of you even though it isn't any longer.

And something can come knocking on your door because you're not too far away. But you don't have to let it in.

People often ask me if writing about eating disorders and moderating a recovery site are difficult tasks for a recovered individual. I don't think so. They help me keep things in perspective. And since I'm not "in recovery" any longer, but consider myself "recovered" I'm in a good place where things can't touch me the way they could have in the past. I'm not triggered. I'm not apt to sink into a setback. I'm just living and wanting to help because I know what it feels like and because I was there once too. Helping other people always has the potential to be a bit draining, but it doesn't haunt me or make me think things I'd rather not think. I like have the purpose in my life--to share and help and advise and comfort and understand.

I'll never go back. I'm only going forward. And I want to take a lot of people with me.

Hope

What I'm about to say is pretty much the whole point of my blog...but at the same time, I don't flat-out say it enough:

Recovery is possible.

On a daily basis, I think my heart breaks a little for all the girls and women out there (and boys and men too) who are struggling with eating disorders. I think I'd be in pieces if I wasn't able to turn my breaking heart into a force of positivity and support. I know so many wonderful people suffering from a disease they wish to control. I know so many beautiful people who don't see their own beauty. I know so many people who have so much to offer the world, but are at a loss when it comes to helping themselves.

I've been there. I stared anorexia in the face and it took me over for a while...until I decided to bite back and take my life into my own hands instead of passing it off to an illness that would have been only too happy to kill me. I know that's putting it simply. It's not an easy process and sometimes it gets more difficult instead of the other way around.

I get countless emails from people who have been touched (and by touched, I mean slammed) by an eating disorder. I ache to heal them, but know that it's not up to me. All I can offer is my support and my encouragement that it can be done. Recovery is possible.

At times, I feel like a little fairy who just spouts happy words of positivity and shows people the good in life like nothing bad ever happens--at least that's what I feel people must think of me at times.

In reality, I'm not a fairy and I'm not preachy. What I say and do is all about one word: HOPE.

I want to give hope.

That sentence above could have been something entirely different a few years ago. Change the last word and it would have been my state of mind: I want to give up.

That's no longer the case, obviously, but that journey from wanting to give up to wanting to give hope had a lot of stops in between. I wanted to get better. I wanted to get real. I wanted to get heard. I wanted to get a life. I wanted to get OUT. And when I did...when I did all of those things...I wanted to give hope.

Because it's not a fun journey, even though from time to time it has its little benefits and its little joys. A good trick is to make a celebration out of everything that could be uncomfortable or unsettling. You don't fit into your clothes anymore? Donate 'em! Call your nearest and dearest and have fun cutting a few choice pieces up and throwing the shreds like confetti! Take your mother or your sister or your best friend and head to your favorite and buy some new things that make you feel good! A little moral support can go a long way.

When things are too much, there is always hope. Hope is there and it will wait if you want to put it away until tomorrow when you have more energy. Hope is everlasting. Hope is the balm that can get you from one day to the next. And because hope is possible, recovery also is possible.