Arielle's 2013 Thanksgiving Message

My annual Thanksgiving Day video for you:

Being Kind to Yourself Through Physical/Mental Recovery

Important topic this week, folks.

We're starting a new 4 week rotation this week! (Set-backs / Relapse / Relapse-Prevention)

This week's topic:

Week of March 4 - 10 - Being kind to yourself when new to recovery. Recognizing the struggle that might persist even when you are physically and behaviorally improved. Having compassion for the struggle. Setting up a strong support network to work through it. Not being HARD on yourself for having a hard time with it.

Coping with Disaster and Death While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

This week's video is an important one if you have ever struggled (or are struggling) with loss of any kind. The second half of the video is key.

Family & Eating Disorders

YouTube's allowed me limitless videos now, which is awesome. This means I can make and post videos that are longer than 15 minutes. I don't normally need/want to talk longer than that, but there are some topics on which I seem to keep going and going. :)

In any case, in response to a message I received regarding family,(difficulty) understanding, control, and challenges, I made a bonus video entitled "Family & Eating Disorders." There are so many things out there for parents of kids with eating disorders, but not much for the other way around (kids who have parents with eating disorders) or spouse support, etc. There are so many different "significant others" in people's lives so I tried to make this video as applicable as possible.

Denial & That Push Forward

This week's topic is: Denial & That Push Forward. Finally YouTube has granted me the ability to post videos longer than 15 minutes, so you get a bit more without me having to edit myself after I'm done talking to fit it all into a 10 minute window! :)

Friends & Triggers

An important lesson.

New Year, New Thinking

This week's video is a MUST-SEE for all. :)

Validation in the Face of "It's Just a Phase, She'll Grow Out of It."

This week's video:

PART THREE of "So What's Your Story?"

Here's the next installment in my memoir videos. You can find PART ONE here and PART TWO here. Here's PART THREE, continuing right along:

PART TWO of "So, What's Your Story?"

Here's the next installment in my memoir videos. You can find PART ONE here. This is PART TWO:



PART THREE TO COME SHORTLY.

"So, What's YOUR Story?"

There is one question I get asked a lot. So I thought I'd answer it... slowly and in video form. I've had this blog for 3 years and I've never really given a play by play of my own history. I've touched on things here and there, mentioned details in reference to the advice I've given, and clearly explained that I recovered from anorexia, but I haven't really delved into all of it. It's not typically what I'm about. I mean, how many eating disorder memoirs are out there?

But I'm not ashamed and I'm an open book. :)

It will be in parts, because of the 10 minute time limit on videos.

Here we go...
This is my story (in a nutshell).

Memoir PART ONE

Holiday Encouragement

This video says it all. Take it to heart and have a wonderful week, everyone.

Your Life Raft in the Waters of Criticism

It’s easy to get swept up in the swirl of the world. You go to school or work and you see and hear things that make you feel inadequate. There are a lot of things out there that influence us, whether we like it or not. And in a lot of ways, it can be a good thing. Many of us have friends we have a great time with, family we love and care about, and things we enjoy doing, watching, or reading. And that’s okay.

But when you already feel a certain way and suddenly you can feel that something around you is pulling you to feel another way, you need to stop and think for a minute. A minute is all it takes. You’ve heard the advice: “Go with your first instinct.” Well, in this case, you usually should. If something you see or hear or read makes you second guess how you FEEL about yourself, it’s best to examine it.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s great when we see or hear or read something that makes us question our thoughts or our knowledge about something. It’s good to be open to other opinions, possibilities, and viewpoints. We can learn a lot by paying attention to the world around us. Just don’t let something make you feel like less of a person if you didn’t feel that way before.

If your peers are telling you something negative (that you’re fat, ugly, etc.) or worse—if your friends (which is questionable to say the least) are saying things that make you feel bad about the way you look—don’t let them bring you down to a place where you want to change to please them. Working to please others or to make others like you is no way to live and is, frankly, a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, all you have is YOU.

Not all criticism is constructive.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

For girls and women, especially, life can become a competition. You want to be pretty, you want to be smart, you want to be thin. You want to make sure you are as good as everyone around you. Sometimes it can feel hard to measure up. Sometimes the people you’re trying to measure up against TELL you that you aren’t good enough in some way. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not thin enough. Your clothes aren’t nice enough. Your haircut isn’t cute enough. The list can be never-ending.

You’ll never be able to please everyone. And you’ll never be able to hold yourself above the water if you let other people pull you under. And drowning is a horrible way to die.

Really, it’s all about survival. You can’t let people--or things you see, hear, or read--get the better of you. If you read in a magazine that being a certain size makes you somehow less appealing to the world at large, but you felt okay about your size before you read it, listen to your first instinct—that you are fine the way you are. Don’t buy into the negative pull. If your friends, school peers, co-workers, and/or family say something that makes you feel negatively about yourself, just remember that what they say doesn’t determine what you are. And for everyone who says something that makes you feel badly, there are just as many people who see you as great in a lot ways.

If you see an ad on TV and it makes you wonder if you should try to change yourself in some way, don’t let something you see for two minutes on TV influence you into thinking you’d be better off looking different. You have your own mind; use it.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

You write your own story. You can change anything you want. And you can add a new chapter whenever you feel like it. You don’t need something external or someone you know telling you what and how to change. All throughout your life, people are going to offer their opinions whether you like it or not. Sometimes a person’s opinion will help you…and sometimes it will hurt you. It’s up to you to learn the difference. There are a lot of things out there that can help us…and there are just as many things that can hinder us. A minute of thought can make a world of difference when it comes to deciding whether or not to think negatively about yourself.

When it comes right down to it, no one else anywhere is YOU. You are the only you. There’s no one out there like you. So you can’t go wrong looking the way you do. You can’t go wrong being what you are. You are you and that is the way you were meant to be. It’s okay and natural to feel unsure about the way you look sometimes, but if you’re feeling good about yourself, don’t ever let anyone make you think differently. When you give in to a negative thought about yourself, you’re relinquishing a little piece of yourself. If you continue to do that, pretty soon you’ll have surrendered a lot of pieces. You’ll be weaker and more unsure than ever.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

It can get pretty difficult dealing with things and people around you, especially if they are undermining your confidence in yourself. But you know what? It takes a very strong person to make it through and come out on top—to come out feeling okay. To come out knowing you are great just the way you are. To come out better because you know this.

Don’t give up on yourself. You have all the power.

And you are beautiful. Just as you are.

Hope

What I'm about to say is pretty much the whole point of my blog...but at the same time, I don't flat-out say it enough:

Recovery is possible.

On a daily basis, I think my heart breaks a little for all the girls and women out there (and boys and men too) who are struggling with eating disorders. I think I'd be in pieces if I wasn't able to turn my breaking heart into a force of positivity and support. I know so many wonderful people suffering from a disease they wish to control. I know so many beautiful people who don't see their own beauty. I know so many people who have so much to offer the world, but are at a loss when it comes to helping themselves.

I've been there. I stared anorexia in the face and it took me over for a while...until I decided to bite back and take my life into my own hands instead of passing it off to an illness that would have been only too happy to kill me. I know that's putting it simply. It's not an easy process and sometimes it gets more difficult instead of the other way around.

I get countless emails from people who have been touched (and by touched, I mean slammed) by an eating disorder. I ache to heal them, but know that it's not up to me. All I can offer is my support and my encouragement that it can be done. Recovery is possible.

At times, I feel like a little fairy who just spouts happy words of positivity and shows people the good in life like nothing bad ever happens--at least that's what I feel people must think of me at times.

In reality, I'm not a fairy and I'm not preachy. What I say and do is all about one word: HOPE.

I want to give hope.

That sentence above could have been something entirely different a few years ago. Change the last word and it would have been my state of mind: I want to give up.

That's no longer the case, obviously, but that journey from wanting to give up to wanting to give hope had a lot of stops in between. I wanted to get better. I wanted to get real. I wanted to get heard. I wanted to get a life. I wanted to get OUT. And when I did...when I did all of those things...I wanted to give hope.

Because it's not a fun journey, even though from time to time it has its little benefits and its little joys. A good trick is to make a celebration out of everything that could be uncomfortable or unsettling. You don't fit into your clothes anymore? Donate 'em! Call your nearest and dearest and have fun cutting a few choice pieces up and throwing the shreds like confetti! Take your mother or your sister or your best friend and head to your favorite and buy some new things that make you feel good! A little moral support can go a long way.

When things are too much, there is always hope. Hope is there and it will wait if you want to put it away until tomorrow when you have more energy. Hope is everlasting. Hope is the balm that can get you from one day to the next. And because hope is possible, recovery also is possible.

The 3 Hs

The problem: How to deal with people who talk constantly about weight, weight loss, and/or dieting.

What this problem can be:

-Triggering

-Sad

-Annoying

-Unhelpful

-Angering

-Any or all of the above

A lot of the time this person in question is someone you love, respect, or call a friend. So it gets tricky. And sticky. And well, downright icky.

I tend to suggest the 3 Hs.

The 3 Hs:

-Humor

-Honesty

-Heart to Heart

Let me explain. Let’s say the person in question says, “I can’t believe I gained 5 pounds.”

You could laugh and say, “You probably just need to go to the bathroom,” and soften the situation with a little humor, making light of it, and therefore letting the person know it’s OKAY, but at the same time not getting into it with them if it would make you uncomfortable or be triggering.

Let’s say the person in question says, “I am so fat.”

You could respond with, “Of course you’re not fat. You are beautiful just the way you are. That’s one of the reasons I love you.” It’s honesty. And people sometimes shrink away from it because it feels so serious and so open. And because people without eating disorders don’t always put it out there like that. But if you DO care about the person saying this, then combat her negative comment with something REAL.

Another example is this: Let’s say the person in question says, “I need to go on a diet.”

Your response could be, “No you don’t. A diet isn’t necessary to make you feel better. It isn’t the answer.” There’s some more honesty for you. People don’t usually talk frankly and poignantly like this with one another. But sometimes, it’s the best thing. Sometimes the person with whom you’re having a conversation needs to hear it. You might feel strange giving so bold a reply to their comment, but it takes the conversation in a different direction—a non-triggering direction, an empowering direction, a GOOD direction.

On to the last H. Let’s say the person in question says, “I’m trying to lose weight. I only ate a salad and a diet Coke last night,” and goes on to detail their food intake or their pride in dieting—even if it’s NOT unhealthy.

You’ll be doing yourself a favor if you have a little heart to heart and say, “I don’t want to blow off what you’re saying because I am listening. And I want you to feel like you can talk to me about things, but it’s really hard for me to hear details about food and dieting. I want to be honest with you about this for my own good. I don’t have a problem with you, I just have a problem that I’m working on. I hope you can understand.”

You’re not apologizing. You’re being truthful. You’re worrying about yourself first, as you should. And you’re still being a good friend. And you can be as vague or as open as you feel you need to be when having the little heart to heart. If the person knows about your eating disorder history, it might be easier, but even if the person doesn’t, there are still plenty of ways you can say what’s written above without revealing more information than you’re comfortable with. If the person asks something you’re not happy answering, you have simply to say, “I hope you won’t mind, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now. But let’s keep talking.” These kinds of things are difficult, but once you learn to do them, you’ll be much better off and much better equipped to handle what gets thrown at you in this life.

After all, using the 3 Hs is better than just sitting or standing there quietly, listening to comments like these, feeling triggered and trapped. Am I right? You might be surprised how much your own voice thrown into the mix makes a difference. You also might be surprised about how easy it really is when you start saying something back. These weight/weight loss/dieting conversations happen far more often than you might like, so learning how to handle them is a definite must.

May I Have Your Attention, Please?

I'm Group Leader for an ANAD Support Group that's starting this month. I thought I'd post the info (i.e. the flier I made) here for those who are in my area! Even if you're not in my area, I suppose it's still nice to share the news! I'm VERY excited about this. If you are interested or know anyone who might be, send me an email. Help me spread the word! I am blotting out my phone number (and part of the meeting address) which appears on the real local flier because you never know what internet folks are out there that will harass.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders
There's an EATING DISORDER RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP in your area!
It's difficult to recover when you feel alone...
Come join us for help, understanding, and support.

WHERE: Northampton Area Public Library
(will give address if contacted) Northampton, PA 18067-close to Allentown, Bethlehem, and surrounding areas

WHEN: the FIRST and THIRD Monday of each month at 6:00 PM

Unfortunately, there will be NO meeting on July 21st due to outside circumstances, but meetings officially begin on July 7th.

Questions? Call Group Leader Arielle Bair at: 610-xxx-xxxx
or email her at: arielle.becker@gmail.com

ALL are welcome...
Regardless of your age, diagnosis, or role.
Whether you are recovering from anorexia, bulimia, ed-nos, compulsive over eating, body dismorphic disorder, orthorexia, or are simply a concerned parent, friend, or family member of someone with an eating disorder...you are warmly welcomed.

Finding Comfortability

I always thought standing in front of surrounding mirrors, an alterations seamstress, my mom, and my mom's best friend--in my underwear--would be stressful. Well, it isn't anymore. I went for my first fitting for my wedding gown a couple weeks ago. It almost fits like a glove already and I love it. But besides that, I didn't mind the experience at all. Stripped down to my underwear at a healthy weight, I felt good and proud instead of anxious. I even told my mom's best friend, "I have boobs now!"

It's not as though this is a completely new revelation. I've been healthy for a year now, and on my way with recovery for about 2 years, but I've also been getting progressively healthier this past year. When I looked in that mirror a couple weeks back I was so glad that I could walk down the aisle for my wedding in less than 3 months and look the way I do now instead of the way I used to look. I couldn't stop smiling.

It's obvious that part of being comfortable in a situation in which your body is on display involves being comfortable with yourself. And by "yourself," that includes your body. I used to have mixed feelings about my body at best, but now I like it. Don't get me wrong--I still have mixed feelings at times--but I'm happy with myself now. God, I used to be miserable! Absolutely miserable and anxious. Now I feel like a completely new woman. I wouldn't call it a transformation as much as I'd call it an adaptation--a revision of myself. I'm still me...just a better me. A happier me. A healthier me.

I know this is going to sound lame...but...

It's cool. It's really cool.

The Holidays are Upon Us

To all:

The holiday season can be a tough season. It's often full of family, food, and obsessive behavior. I'm writing this to let you know I understand. The holidays can make you squirm and wake up full of dread each morning. But you know what?

They're not supposed to. That's not what the holidays are all about.

They're about a thousand things and none of those things should be negative or unhealthy or depressing. The question is: how do you get yourself into the right mindset?

You have to psych yourself up for it. You have to be positive and remain positive despite all the negativity you might feel closing in on you. You have to worry about YOU and not about others. I know it's hard--many times those "others" are your family or your close friends and you feel conflicted or manipulated or overwhelmed. Those feelings are okay and completely natural. All feelings are--because they're what you FEEL and they are honest. But you've got to do what's best for yourself and sometimes that means thinking only of yourself at a given point in time.

I know it might sound strange--me telling you to think of yourself during the holidays, when everything else out there promotes goodwill toward the less fortunate and giving to others besides yourself--but you have to consider that if you are first good to yourself, you will much more easily be able to be good to others. You have to start with yourself and go from there. It sounds so simple and so difficult at the same time, doesn't it?

I once had an aunt comment on what I was eating at a family holiday dinner. I had put some things on my plate and had handed it to her so she could add something to it that was nearest to her. "That's not YOUR plate, is it?" she'd said.

I just looked at her.

"I mean, you don't eat all that, do you?" she asked.

It didn't matter why she said it or what she meant by it. It was too late; the damage had been done. She'd gotten the message from my silence that I was shocked she'd say such a thing to me (for at the time, I was very very thin), but when my plate was handed back to me I didn't feel like eating. I'm sure she had no idea what she'd done to me with that short conversation. But there was a lot wrong with that conversation.

For one, she'd drawn attention to my eating. Second, she'd commented on the amount. Third, she was clearly surprised which made me question myself and what I was ready to eat.

In short, that small incident completely ruined my day. And if I'd had the right mindset at the time, it wouldn't have. Now, I know there are situations you will all deal with over the holidays that will be worse than that...or even less severe than that...that will irk you, upset you, and make you miserable. This was just an example. The point is: don't let it upset you.

As usual, it's easier said than done. But all you have to do is TRY. Just try. When something upsetting happens, or you see or hear or feel something that triggers you to do whatever self-destructive or eating disordered behavior you typically fall back on, DON'T DO IT. Don't let it get the better of you. Don't give in to pain and sadness and frustration. Use your anger or your emotions to build yourself up. Do what's healthy and what is good for you. Be good to yourself. Think of yourself. Don't think of someone else's comments or the way someone else looks. Don't think of all the food and how you shouldn't eat it. Don't think of the obsessive behaviors that may have become natural to you. Think of you and the child you once were that is still a part of you. And give her/him what she/he wants. You are allowed to indulge. You are allowed to nurture. You are allowed to FEEL GOOD. You are allowed to BE HAPPY.

Really.

Write a note to yourself. A short one, a long one, a sentence, a few words, or whatever you want. But write a note to yourself that is positive, that quickly reiterates that you can get through things. Maybe it will say: YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR! Or maybe it will simply say: IT'S OKAY. But whatever it is, write it. To yourself. On an actual piece of paper. And keep it. And put it in your coat pocket, or your purse, or your wallet, or something you almost always have with you. And when you're dealing with some holiday stress or you're feeling overwhelmed, take it out briefly and look at it. Reassure yourself. You will thank yourself later. Maybe later that day. Maybe later that month. Maybe later that year. Or maybe even years from now. But you will thank yourself.

Do you really want to have miserable holiday season? Or one filled with grief, obsessing, nervousness, anxiety, pain, etc? Of course you don't. And you don't deserve to. You deserve all the good things the holidays can bring. I know you can't get rid of all those bad feelings and behaviors in one day--or in one holiday season. But you can START.

Start now. Start with THIS holiday.

Best of luck to you all. You can do it!

Arielle

Work In Progress

There are some things in life you think will never happen to you. That’s the way it always is…until one day you look at yourself and say, “It DID happen to me. I’m exactly like that.” That’s how it was for me in college, the day I came to the realization that I had an eating disorder. I’d gone off to college with all the usual hopes and worries. I made new friends, went to classes, and had fun, but something just wasn’t right. I panicked over things, was more homesick than all my friends, and became more and more miserable. The whole new experience of college got to me and scared me. I adapted well, but it seemed to me that my once-tiny life was going every which way and I searched for something to control, without even realizing what I was doing.
I began to count the calories in everything I ate. It didn’t seem dangerous at the time, but soon I made limits for myself. It didn’t help that I was constantly critical of the way I looked. I needed a tan, shinier hair, more muscle, more height. I would tell myself that I had dry skin, dull hair, small breasts, not-white-enough teeth, and any other criticism I felt was true. I even went as far as to make the declaration that my eyelashes were too short. But of all these, the criticism I told myself the most was that there was too much fat on my body.
Thus, the restrictive behavior began. I cut back on food and I kept lists of what I ate, tallying every calorie like a never-ending math problem. During my second semester of my freshman year of college, I was thoroughly aware of how easy it would be to skip meals. There would be no parents keeping a watchful eye on me and I had any number of excuses ready if asked to dinner in the dining hall by one of my friends. I was hungry, but I just considered it a great accomplishment that I could conquer my hunger.

The semester progressed and so did my eating disorder. I ate xxx calories a day—on days I actually ate. I began to fast completely for as many as four days at a time. Then, ravenous with hunger, I’d eat a normal meal and feel horribly guilty. “Now you can’t eat for another four days,” I’d say. I knew I had a problem, so I went to the counseling center at my university and told them about it. No one else knew—not my parents, not my friends, not my then boyfriend—no one. My eating disordered behavior worsened. My friends were worried about me. They watched me all the time. It wasn’t long before the best friend I’d made at school confronted me. Sarah knocked on my door one day while I was crying in bed (a common occurrence in those days) and asked me through the door to let her in. She wanted to know what was going on, but I was afraid to tell her…afraid she wouldn't like me anymore…afraid she wouldn't want to live with me next year. She didn’t judge me at all and she didn’t think I was crazy. She sat there on my bed with me and listened while I cried out everything I’d been keeping to myself. She hugged me at the right moments and told me she would help me. She was relieved that I was going to counseling.

Spring break was approaching and I knew that when I saw my mother, my thinness would not be able to escape her intuitive eye. I contemplated keeping my eating disorder from my parents, entertaining the idea that I could “get better” by the time I went home. As my disorder only got harder, I came to the realization that I had to tell them what the dark circles beneath my eyes, my smaller breasts, and my pallor would tell them anyway. When I went home, things were emotional, but again none of my fears became reality. My mom found me an eating disorder specialist and scheduled me for counseling in my city.

I was surrounded by support and coping was easier, but my eating disorder was still there. I went tanning so I wouldn’t look so sick, I slept often, and I didn’t do very well in my classes. With the help of others, I stopped fasting and tried to eat at least one substantial thing each day. I stopped listing, but I was always mentally counting. When summer came, I was doing slightly better, but I was obsessed with weighing myself and my mom hid the scale because I smiled when I found out I was XX pounds. As the summer went on, I got better and better and I went to counseling regularly. I saw a nutritionist and decided to eat normally on and off. I found that counseling helped a lot and when my sophomore year of college began I was in a good place. I ate fairly well, had brought my weight up, and was still having sessions with my therapist over the phone. My boyfriend was back at college too and away from me, but I had the support of Sarah, now one of my roommates. Things went well, but only for a few weeks. I slowly slipped back fully into my eating disorder. I ate less and less and lost weight. I became irrational and emotional again. I took naps to save my energy. Everything was going downhill.

I couldn’t understand myself. Generally I was a happy young woman. I had good friends and a loving family. I had food and shelter and clothing. I was continuing my education. All these things were positive, but who was I? How did I classify myself? I could decide in an instant. The thin girl…actually, the skinny girl. I felt that I needed to keep that persona intact, especially in a big place like a university where I was no one. I began restricting again, making myself full with carrot sticks and dying for a scale. I was scared.

When I went to an amusement park one weekend with Sarah, I got colder and colder until I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. I felt miserable and the worst part of it was that everyone else was fine. When we left the amusement park that night I saw that my lips were blue and it took me at least half an hour to get warm inside Sarah’s heated car. When we got back to our dorm, I almost passed out, which happened sometimes, so I immediately sat down on the floor and knelt with my head to my knees to make the feeling go away. Sarah got me water and demanded that I tell her what was wrong. We talked for a long while she said she’d never leave my side throughout college and that she would help me in any way she could. It meant a lot to me to have someone say that.

A few days later when I took a shower a lot of my hair came out. With many long dark strands wrapped around my hands and my pink towel around me, I called Sarah to the bathroom and showed her. Meaningfully, she said, “This is your worst nightmare, so you know what you have to do.” She meant: EAT. I nodded and laughed nervously to cover my alarm that came from seeing my long hair somewhere other than on my head.

I wished it was as simple as saying “EAT” and doing it. I was losing weight and when my parents came to visit me they noticed. I couldn’t even buy this pair of boots I loved, because they slipped down my legs. My weight dropped to about XX pounds. I was at that physical stage where every pound mattered a lot; I was so thin that even one pound less made a difference in my health and strength. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I liked to avoid calling my disorder Anorexia, but that’s what it is. The word sounded nasty. It also seemed scary and powerful and I didn’t like to think of myself as “anorexic.” I was Arielle and Anorexia was what had me in its clutches. I wanted more than anything to be stronger than Anorexia. Later on, instead of criticizing myself in front of the mirror, I began to tell myself what great people were sticking by me. Instead letting Anorexia have the upper hand, I told myself I would be stronger if I had control over myself.

I still consider myself to have an eating disorder because I’m still dealing with a lot of the mental and physical aspects of it, but I feel stronger and I try to remember that there is more to being me than being thin. All I want to do is live, and knowing that people in my life care about me is one of the things that kept (and keeps) me alive.

Arielle