Life Skills

Difference: A Quick Lesson

If you have 3 minutes, give this a listen. "Difference" is a topic so often discussed, but we forget about some things that truly enhance its meaning. Let's go!

Letting Go

An interesting and often un-talked-about topic. My take on learning to live life after a long time in recovery. Recovery doesn't leave you in the lurch. It's always there if you've chosen it, but you can't stop it from letting you live life. Letting go can be a beautiful thing.

Stopping Negative Thoughts

This week, I discuss some interesting tools and answer a question.

Insecure

Something completely different for your Wednesday Warrior video this week: slam poetry from Arielle. It's doubling as a Wednesday Warrior video and a video in my new Poetry Series, simply because it can! We're currently doing a 4 week rotation on Acceptance, and this week's specific topic is Insecurities.

Enjoy! Take your power back!

More Recovery Questions: Recovered and the Now

Finishing up the 4 week rotation on recovery questions:

Questions for the Self

This week, I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:

• What do you most want to change? 

• What do you think you could easily do differently...and what's stopping you? 

• What does freedom mean to you? 

• And what do you need to put into place to achieve it? 

• Who are your supports? 

• How can you utilize them more than you are currently? 

 

• What are your most toxic elements in life? 

• How can you better distance yourself from them? 

I really invite you to have a conversation with yourself, even write down your responses to form new goals and plans, and to envision a better year. Later on in the week, I will delve into these questions in more detail, but before they can be discussed, pondered, and used for reflection and re-framing, you first need to ask them. So start... and I will follow up with some food for thought. 

These questions were meant to be the topic of this week's Wednesday Warrior video, but due to some overwhelming time constraints, I haven't been able to film a video in time to have it up for Wednesday. You'll either get a video a few days late (hate to do that - I'm always on time!) or a detailed blog post on this topic (these important questions) by the weekend. Either way, don't pass them off as too general, too basic, or too silly. Far too often, we forget to ask ourselves the really important things, the things that shape recovery and LIFE.

Your Life Raft

Today, I thought I'd bring back a little post I first wrote 4 years ago by plumping it up, by revisiting it, by remembering it.. Today, I spoke to a group of women about eating disorders. We got on the very broad topic of 'this world in which we live.' It's a difficult place for people...especially for women. We throw around these terms: "society," "the media," "the diet industry," etc. And none of these things cause eating disorders. Eating disorders are mental illnesses. Yet, there are a lot of things out there that perpetuate the idea that it's all about the way you look. That it's all about what you wear, what size you are, how much you weigh... That it's all about your appearance.

Well I have news for you: there is a lot more to you than that. A LOT. And I hear you - I know you're being told left and right that there isn't. So it's hard to know what to think. I get that. And that's why: Appreciating Yourself is Your Life Raft in the Waters of Criticism.

That was the title of my 4-year-old post.

It’s easy to get swept up in the swirl of the world. You go to school or work and you see and hear things that make you feel inadequate. There are a lot of things out there that influence us, whether we like it or not. And in a lot of ways, it can be a good thing. Many of us have friends with whom we have a great time, family about whom we love and care, and things we enjoy doing, watching, or reading. And that’s okay. 

But when you already feel a certain way and suddenly you can feel that something around you is pulling you to feel another way, you need to stop and think for a minute. A minute is all it takes. You’ve heard the advice: “Go with your first instinct.” Well, in this case, you usually should. If something you see or hear or read makes you second guess how you FEEL about yourself, it’s best to examine it. 

Don’t get me wrong—it’s great when we see or hear or read something that makes us question our thoughts or our knowledge about something. It’s good to be open to other opinions, possibilities, and viewpoints. We can learn a lot by paying attention to the world around us. Just don’t let something make you feel like less of a person if you didn’t feel that way before.

If your peers are telling you something negative (that you’re fat, ugly, etc.) or worse—if your friends (which is questionable to say the least) are saying things that make you feel bad about the way you look—don’t let them bring you down to a place where you want to change to please them. Working to please others or to make others like you is no way to live and is, frankly, a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, all you have is YOU.

Not all criticism is constructive.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

 

For girls and women, especially, life can become a competition. You want to be pretty, you want to be smart, you want to be thin. You want to make sure you are as good as everyone around you. Sometimes it can feel hard to measure up. Sometimes the people you’re trying to measure up against TELL you that you aren’t good enough in some way. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not thin enough. Your clothes aren’t nice enough. Your job isn't good enough. Your grades aren't good enough.Your haircut isn’t cute enough. The list can be never-ending.

You’ll never be able to please everyone. And you’ll never be able to hold yourself above the water if you let other people pull you under. And drowning is a horrible way to die.

Really, it’s all about survival. You can’t let people--or things you see, hear, or read--get the better of you. If you read in a magazine that being a certain size makes you somehow less appealing to the world at large, but you felt okay about your size before you read it, listen to your first instinct—that you are fine the way you are. Don’t buy into the negative pull. If your friends, school peers, co-workers, and/or family say something that makes you feel negatively about yourself, just remember that what they say doesn’t determine what you are. And for everyone who says something that makes you feel bad, there may be just as many people who see you as great in a lot ways.

If you see an ad on TV and it makes you wonder if you should try to change yourself in some way, don’t let something you see for two minutes on TV influence you into thinking you’d be better off looking different. You have your own mind; use it.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

You write your own story. You can change anything you want or choose not to change. And you can add a new chapter whenever you feel like it. You don’t need something external telling you what and how to change. All throughout your life, people are going to offer their opinions whether you like it or not. Sometimes a person’s opinion will help you…and sometimes it will hurt you. It’s up to you to learn the difference. In fact, there are a lot of things out there in the world that can help us…and there are just as many things that can hinder us. A minute of thought can make a world of difference when it comes to deciding whether or not to think negatively about yourself.

When it comes right down to it, no one else anywhere is YOU. You are the only you. There’s no one out there like you. So you can’t go wrong looking the way you do. You can’t go wrong being what you are. You are you and that is the way you were meant to be. It’s okay and natural to feel unsure about the way you look sometimes, or to feel unsure about the things you think or do, but if you’re feeling good about yourself, don’t ever let anyone make you think differently. When you give in to a negative thought about yourself, you’re relinquishing a little piece of yourself. If you continue to do that, pretty soon you’ll have surrendered a lot of pieces. You’ll be weaker and more unsure than ever.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

It can get pretty difficult dealing with lots of things and people around you, especially if they are undermining your confidence in yourself. But you know what? It takes a very strong person to make it through and come out on top—to come out feeling okay. To come out knowing you are great just the way you are. To come out better because you know this.

Don’t give up on yourself. You have all the power.

How great is that?

YOU have all the power.

 

And you are beautiful - outside, inside, and everywhere in between. Just as you are.

Exit to Make a Return to Yourself

My fabulous friend Tracey, at Just As I Am, has been facilitating a great blogging program for interested bloggers in recovery. The weekly prompts can be found at Blogging for Wellbeing and it's a wonderful way for the eating disorder recovery community to gain support, share wisdom, and use their individual voices!

This week, I wanted to pop into the Blogging for Wellbeing mix with a little something.

Last week's blog prompt was "Self" and this week's is "Beauty." To me, those two go together, creating a union that is unstoppable. When I saw each of the blog prompts, I was reminded of a poem I wrote some years ago. Though the title of it is "Exit," it's really about beginning anew. "Exit" refers to leaving one thing in order to jump full-force into something better. To me, it's about the self and it's also about beauty... beauty OF the self, beauty of life, beauty of the power within. Thanks, Tracey, for reminding me of this poem and for the opportunity to share it with others.

Exit

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like a flash of light

That shone once and was gone.

Safer to go than to stay,

Better to learn than to wait,

I’m going.  I’m flying.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

Out of my life and into my dreams,

Born once again,

I’m running away.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like a gust of wind

You feel only for an instant.

I’m ready to jump,

I’m ready to fall,

I’m ready to go.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

To care for myself,

To leap into the unexpected,

To grow like a flower in the rain.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like the moon leaves

In the morning light.

Like rain that falls from full clouds,

My thoughts cascade and flow

Into carved paths time digs into the ground.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

Leaves fall and bloom again in spring;

So do our spirits fall, only to again

Be replenished with happiness.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like the seeds

Leave the swaying trees.

Like a seed, bursting from earth

So I have grown too,

A flower not yet fully blossomed.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

Promise is there—

The promise to experience

With a face upturned toward the sun.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like yesterday

That turns into tomorrow.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

© Arielle Lee Bair 2006

Arielle's Word of the Day #29: MYSTERY

Life is a mystery. That's what makes it scary. That's what makes it wonderful. The beauty of it all is that we get to live the mystery one day at a time, together. We can do anything. Life is ours for the making. Mysteries abound.

We are all a mystery. To each other and to ourselves. That's what makes us scary. That's what makes us wonderful. The beauty of it all is that we get to live the mystery one day at a time, with ourselves, with each other. We can do anything. You can do anything. Life is ours for the making. Life is yours for the making.

GO!


Living the Mystery: Everyone is Looking

I am sharp, a polished statue

With eyeliner that speaks volumes

And hair that shines and falls

With perfect poise

Against the lapels of my suit jacket.

My smirk is confident,

My nods are important.

My nails are sleek,

My eyes are quick to discern.

I walk in brisk steps, heels click-clacking

On the hard floor.

Everyone is looking.

I am free, a hippie chick

With long, messed hair

That travels with me

And a singular smile

That proves I’m dancing

To the music in my head.

My swishing skirts

Follow my moves

As I walk in circles,

A book of poetry clutched in my hand,

Oblivious to the world around me.

Everyone is looking.

I am buzzed, a dance floor queen

With drink in hand

And hips that sway

To the beat of excitement and

The hum of the rhythm.

The darkness is loud

And the bright lights are

Calling to me

As I move each part of my body

With a passion.

My eyes are closed as I feel the song.

Everyone is looking.

I am rosy, a child in a meadow,

The green grass around me

And the blue sky above me.

My sunburned cheeks can

Feel my smile

As I twirl with abandon

And skip with delight.

My hair is wild,

My heart is light.

I wear a wreath of flowers

And my bare feet are brown.

Everyone is looking.

I am mystery, a mermaid in the water,

Sleek and supple,

Carefree and mischievous.

My eyes are wide with want,

My hair is like a garment.

The water moves with me

Like a friend I’ve known since birth.

If I splash, I laugh.

If I laugh, I’m beautiful.

I live for nothing

But the simplest joys.

Everyone is looking.

And I am looking back.

I am innocence, a dreamer on a porch swing

With lowered lashes and a book in hand.

Feet curled under, I breathe the summer

And smell my skin

While my eyes rove the pages

That hold stories of lovers

And sweep me up like a girl on a cloud.

I am everywhere at once,

With no experience

But a heart full of hopes.

When I sigh my softness shows.

Everyone is looking.

I am adventure, a spunky explorer

With crazy ideas

And confident independence,

The world at my fingertips

And my fingertips reaching.

The sun is my guide

And the wind is my song.

I am ready to go.

With knees rough from climbing,

I reach the top of a mountain

With respect and admiration.

Everyone is looking.

I am me.

I am looking

At everyone.

And everyone

Is looking

At me.

© ALB 2008

Arielle's Word of the Day #15: NOW

Four years ago on this blog, I shared two quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson that relate to the NOW. Living in the now is important. It is too easy to live in the past, to worry about things that have already occurred, to focus on what has BEEN instead of what is currently happening. Here are the quotes... and your mission, if you choose to accept it (and I hope you will), is to really take them to heart today.

The following quotes are especially important to keep in mind on rough days. They may help you to put things in perspective and breathe just a bit easier.

 

"Be not the slave of your own past ... plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old."

For one, the very words sound refreshing, invigorating, renewing. Repeat it once to yourself. Hold it close, like a soft piece of fabric. The first part is the most important—"be not the slave of your own past." How many of us are right now being the slaves of our own pasts? What will it take to break that cycle, to change that thinking, to move forward? It's simple yet difficult: dive into life. Live. Go for it. Persevere. Revel in what's around you. And then, as Emerson tells us, we'll be renewed—we will have "self-respect" and "new power." Who doesn't want that? Doesn't it sound beautiful? Miraculous even? Yet, it can be accomplished. And when we have that new outlook, we'll be able to figure out the past the best way we can, and we'll be able—and ready—to move on.

Now for the second quote:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."

I like this one even more. One of my own sayings I keep on a post-it at my desk is: "Today is what you make it. And tomorrow is always a new day." This quote by Emerson seems (to me) to go hand in hand with that mentality. Instead of beating yourself up for mistakes you made or setbacks that may have happened, instead of berating yourself for being the way you are, and instead of worrying over what happened in the course of the day—"finish each day and be done with it." There is no better advice than that. As Emerson says, "You have done what you could." Things may have happened that you didn't like, but forgetting them as soon as you can is a much better choice than dwelling on them and thus allowing them to hinder your progress for the days to follow. Each new morning, focus not on the day that has passed, but begin the new day "serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." When the day begins, it is new and fresh and clean and blank. Don't mar such a glorious thing with bad feelings from the previous day; march on and make the day what you want it to be.

Day #19: Write a Love Life Limerick

I'm assuming today's prompt is about loving life and not your actual love life, because that doesn't seem as cohesive with eating disorder recovery. :-) Regardless, I'm a writer, so once I start writing limericks, I just can't stop!

Here are two of the several of wrote, because I have 17,304 things to do today, all of which fall under the category of living and loving life! :-)

I hope you can pocket these and take them with you when you need a pick-me-up. They're encouraging and true!

Love Life Limerick #1:

There's so much just waiting for you -
There's no end to what you can do.
So believe in yourself,
Put the past on a shelf,
And life will believe in you too!


 Love Life Limerick #2:

Today is a gift and it's here!
Let go of the worry and fear.
Embrace what you've got,
And call every shot,
'Cause you are the boss now, my dear!

©Arielle Lee Bair
Rock on, limerick lovers!

The Way to Alive!

If you have 3 minutes, give this a look. It's a little something different. ;)

Focus on Recovery vs. Sickness

Here's this week's video. If you watch ONE VIDEO of mine this year, let it be this one.

How to Do Recovery When Just Living Is Too Hard

Extra video this week! How lucky are you? :)

This was a special request. And don't worry - I will get the Beauty Message Challenge video (which goes along with my BMC post) up this weekend. I have it ready!

Is This As Good As It Gets?

Definitely check this one out - this week I discussed the topic:

You're eating healthily, exercising moderately and taking good care of yourself, people assume you are doing well, but inside its still hard -- How do you stay strong? (and is this as good as it gets?)

Question # 13: How to Fill the Void

Well, your questions are still coming! I’ll keep going until the questions run dry, so if there’s anything at all you want to ask, just leave a comment on any post and I’ll collect them and go from there. No need to backtrack to the original Q & A post.

Question # 13 comes from Stella:

“How can you fill the void you feel when you stop restricting so you can't count on anorexia ‘support’?”

Excellent question! I did a post about this a long time ago, back in 2007. I called it “Filling the Gap.” This is something a lot of people struggle with as they try to recover, and it’s a concern for a reason. Letting go of something so all-consuming is difficult. It stands to reason that you wouldn’t want to be left with a void after you “let go.” That wouldn’t feel very good.

Check out the link to my old "Filling the Gap" post for some elaboration. It all centers around the question: What do you want to do?

The more open-ended the question, the better. Your life is like a blank canvas and you get to paint it.

Sometimes it's hard to remember what it is we actually like to do. Sometimes we never even learned what those somethings are. We never had time. We were all-consumed with our eating disorders. But there is beauty in discovering what we're good at, what we enjoy, what makes us smile or feel accomplished (besides eating disordered behavior), what makes us laugh or tap into our creative sides.

I challenge you to find out. I challenge you to rediscover (or to discover for the first time) what you enjoy about this world, this life. There is a plethora of wonderfulness out there waiting. All you have to do is start with the question What do I want to do? and then go DO it. It's often as simple as that.

Out of the Woods

Sometimes, remembering the hell of anorexia is frightening in the same way a nightmare is still frightening after you wake up. You know it's not real anymore, but you can't help feeling uneasy about it.

When I think of the girl I used to be, the pain I used to feel, the hole in which I used to live, I seem to stop breathing for a mere millisecond. Because I am consumed with the old feeling of desperation and fear and loathing. Then the instant passes--and quickly--because I am enveloped with the wonderful relief that I'm all right now. I've gotten out. I've made it through. And life is good. Actually good. I love life.

And I breathe that heavy sigh, letting air back into me, letting the memories flood back in a fashion I can handle now that my brain is completely aware that it's all in the past.

I can use my old pain to create new things--important things--and help other people. It wasn't all for nothing. It wasn't a struggle that I erased from my mind like it never happened. I can do something beneficial with the whole experience. Now.

I like to use this analogy when talking about my eating disorder, my recovery from it, and my recovered state: I'm out of the woods now. But I live in a house a mile down the road.

I think it symbolizes what being recovered is like. You're successfully out of danger. You're away from it. And you're happily living somewhere else. But you'll never forget it. And it's always there, at a distance, because it used to be a part of you even though it isn't any longer.

And something can come knocking on your door because you're not too far away. But you don't have to let it in.

People often ask me if writing about eating disorders and moderating a recovery site are difficult tasks for a recovered individual. I don't think so. They help me keep things in perspective. And since I'm not "in recovery" any longer, but consider myself "recovered" I'm in a good place where things can't touch me the way they could have in the past. I'm not triggered. I'm not apt to sink into a setback. I'm just living and wanting to help because I know what it feels like and because I was there once too. Helping other people always has the potential to be a bit draining, but it doesn't haunt me or make me think things I'd rather not think. I like have the purpose in my life--to share and help and advise and comfort and understand.

I'll never go back. I'm only going forward. And I want to take a lot of people with me.

Hope

What I'm about to say is pretty much the whole point of my blog...but at the same time, I don't flat-out say it enough:

Recovery is possible.

On a daily basis, I think my heart breaks a little for all the girls and women out there (and boys and men too) who are struggling with eating disorders. I think I'd be in pieces if I wasn't able to turn my breaking heart into a force of positivity and support. I know so many wonderful people suffering from a disease they wish to control. I know so many beautiful people who don't see their own beauty. I know so many people who have so much to offer the world, but are at a loss when it comes to helping themselves.

I've been there. I stared anorexia in the face and it took me over for a while...until I decided to bite back and take my life into my own hands instead of passing it off to an illness that would have been only too happy to kill me. I know that's putting it simply. It's not an easy process and sometimes it gets more difficult instead of the other way around.

I get countless emails from people who have been touched (and by touched, I mean slammed) by an eating disorder. I ache to heal them, but know that it's not up to me. All I can offer is my support and my encouragement that it can be done. Recovery is possible.

At times, I feel like a little fairy who just spouts happy words of positivity and shows people the good in life like nothing bad ever happens--at least that's what I feel people must think of me at times.

In reality, I'm not a fairy and I'm not preachy. What I say and do is all about one word: HOPE.

I want to give hope.

That sentence above could have been something entirely different a few years ago. Change the last word and it would have been my state of mind: I want to give up.

That's no longer the case, obviously, but that journey from wanting to give up to wanting to give hope had a lot of stops in between. I wanted to get better. I wanted to get real. I wanted to get heard. I wanted to get a life. I wanted to get OUT. And when I did...when I did all of those things...I wanted to give hope.

Because it's not a fun journey, even though from time to time it has its little benefits and its little joys. A good trick is to make a celebration out of everything that could be uncomfortable or unsettling. You don't fit into your clothes anymore? Donate 'em! Call your nearest and dearest and have fun cutting a few choice pieces up and throwing the shreds like confetti! Take your mother or your sister or your best friend and head to your favorite and buy some new things that make you feel good! A little moral support can go a long way.

When things are too much, there is always hope. Hope is there and it will wait if you want to put it away until tomorrow when you have more energy. Hope is everlasting. Hope is the balm that can get you from one day to the next. And because hope is possible, recovery also is possible.

Relapsing into Relapse

Relapse happens often. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is often PART of recovery. Really.

Step one: Learn to not be so frustrated with yourself as though you have fallen from grace because you are human and relapsed. It is okay. It is really okay. I promise you.

Step two: You must learn that you're not necessary back at the beginning just because you relapsed and are ill again. Any progress you made or good experiences you had are NOT negated by your current relapse. You will use them as you try to recover again and you will know better what to do and what not to do. You will be more aware. Use it.You will get to the place you want to be eventually. It may take a while. It may be a rough road. But you will get there.

The things we struggle for the most are the most rewarding in the end. Your LIFE is important and you are struggling for a healthy, happy one right now...and when you get there...it will be fantastic.

Step three: Hang in there and keep trying to get help for the things you need. Sometimes in order to GET a real life, you have to put your current life on hold. You have to stop and take the time to get real help. It will be worth it in the end. Because the end will be your new beginning.