Arielle's Word of the Day #29: MYSTERY

Life is a mystery. That's what makes it scary. That's what makes it wonderful. The beauty of it all is that we get to live the mystery one day at a time, together. We can do anything. Life is ours for the making. Mysteries abound.

We are all a mystery. To each other and to ourselves. That's what makes us scary. That's what makes us wonderful. The beauty of it all is that we get to live the mystery one day at a time, with ourselves, with each other. We can do anything. You can do anything. Life is ours for the making. Life is yours for the making.

GO!


Living the Mystery: Everyone is Looking

I am sharp, a polished statue

With eyeliner that speaks volumes

And hair that shines and falls

With perfect poise

Against the lapels of my suit jacket.

My smirk is confident,

My nods are important.

My nails are sleek,

My eyes are quick to discern.

I walk in brisk steps, heels click-clacking

On the hard floor.

Everyone is looking.

I am free, a hippie chick

With long, messed hair

That travels with me

And a singular smile

That proves I’m dancing

To the music in my head.

My swishing skirts

Follow my moves

As I walk in circles,

A book of poetry clutched in my hand,

Oblivious to the world around me.

Everyone is looking.

I am buzzed, a dance floor queen

With drink in hand

And hips that sway

To the beat of excitement and

The hum of the rhythm.

The darkness is loud

And the bright lights are

Calling to me

As I move each part of my body

With a passion.

My eyes are closed as I feel the song.

Everyone is looking.

I am rosy, a child in a meadow,

The green grass around me

And the blue sky above me.

My sunburned cheeks can

Feel my smile

As I twirl with abandon

And skip with delight.

My hair is wild,

My heart is light.

I wear a wreath of flowers

And my bare feet are brown.

Everyone is looking.

I am mystery, a mermaid in the water,

Sleek and supple,

Carefree and mischievous.

My eyes are wide with want,

My hair is like a garment.

The water moves with me

Like a friend I’ve known since birth.

If I splash, I laugh.

If I laugh, I’m beautiful.

I live for nothing

But the simplest joys.

Everyone is looking.

And I am looking back.

I am innocence, a dreamer on a porch swing

With lowered lashes and a book in hand.

Feet curled under, I breathe the summer

And smell my skin

While my eyes rove the pages

That hold stories of lovers

And sweep me up like a girl on a cloud.

I am everywhere at once,

With no experience

But a heart full of hopes.

When I sigh my softness shows.

Everyone is looking.

I am adventure, a spunky explorer

With crazy ideas

And confident independence,

The world at my fingertips

And my fingertips reaching.

The sun is my guide

And the wind is my song.

I am ready to go.

With knees rough from climbing,

I reach the top of a mountain

With respect and admiration.

Everyone is looking.

I am me.

I am looking

At everyone.

And everyone

Is looking

At me.

© ALB 2008

Preparing for a Rocky Road & Facing Fear of Failure

Question: 

What's the mentality of a person who wants recovery?

Answer: 

 The mentality (of a person who wants recovery) is one that will do whatever it takes to be rid of the eating disorder. The mentality is one of determination, desire, and hope.

We may not all be pillars of strength—especially in our own minds—but that doesn't mean we don't have the drive and determination to get better. If you have the real desire to truly recover, it's within your reach. And if you have the hope that it can and will happen, it's waiting for you. Understand that first and foremost, and you have taken the first step. It's a mental step, sure, but it's a significant step.

If you try to walk up the steps and the first step at the bottom is missing, you're going to trip…or worse—you're going to slip right on through and fall harder.

Mold your mentality first. Understand that you can do it. Don't try, yet still in your heart of hearts think it's impossible. You won't get anywhere that way. You'll keep hitting road blocks.

That's not to say that a path of recovery is without obstacles just because you have the right mentality. The path of recovery is going to be a difficult one no matter what, but that doesn't mean you can't travel it—it just means you have to be prepared.

And you know what happens when you manage to get to the end of a long and rocky road: the reward is that much sweeter.

For those IN recovery, I think it's only natural to be afraid your eating disorder will come back...but the important thing is that if it ever DOES come back, you have the tools to fight it

Fear is only going to bring you down. It can take quite a while to be rid of an eating disorder, especially if it has been with you for a while, and no amount of relapses makes your recovery any less valid. It is a difficult fight, but you can do it. You’ll have good days and bad days. Just remember what you truly want. If recovery is your goal, you are already far along on your journey to a better life.

Bad days are inevitable, but you can pull through. Being afraid to slip back into your eating disorder can make you run closer to recovery, but if the fear becomes so great that one setback makes you doubt yourself, you need to recognize it and fight it.

Fear like this means you’re just waiting for your eating disorder to take hold of you again. It means you don’t think you can really get away from it. And in that case, you won’t.

We are all human and one setback does not negate all the hard work you put in up until that point. You aren't starting again at square one just because you had a setback. You are working towards something that is hard to achieve and it's only natural you will have slip-ups. If you recognize that you did something you didn't like, and feel bad over it, just get back on the road to recovery. That road is always waiting. That's all there is to it: putting a slip-up behind you. Many people with eating disorders have relapses (sometimes multiple relapses) before they feel they are recovered. Just keep hopping back on the track to your goal.

Think of it this way: If you want to get from California to New York and you drive 1,000 miles, then stop your car and therefore stop making progress, you don't have to start back at California to get on your way to New York again! You are still 1,000 miles of the way there. You may have stopped and therefore your trip will take more time, but you don't have to start over. Just get back in the car and keep going. You'll get there eventually. And you can stop as many times as you want.

Put more faith in yourself than in your eating disorder. Drive that car!

 

 I believe in you!

Meal Plans, Food Rituals & Other Tid-Bits

A reader asked me this question in an email recently, and I thought it might be helpful to many of you who are struggling with similar issues.

She asked:

"I am a weight restored anorexic (for 11months now) but occasionally struggle with self-harm, and more recently purging.


1. My psychologist who I see once a month (and cannot see any more frequently) is trying to help me expand my food repertoire as I've been stuck on a dietitian's meal plan for 2 years now. However, I have no idea what 'normal' meals are. There a million recipes on the internet but how do I know which one to choose? I do live with my mum, but I work in the evening and she works during the day so we miss each other at dinner. We never have a family meal together so I have no one to look to for ideas about what they eat.


2. I've been at a healthy weight for so long, but I still dislike the look of my body. Every day I look in the mirror to see if I've grown over weight overnight or not (as ridiculous as it seems). Do you personally like your body appearance or do you simply accept it as it is? (I've seen your 'comparison' video and that really helped me a lot to challenge the comparisons and I no longer compare myself to others).


3. I know your did a video on food rituals. I'm honest and say I still have some (food not touching on plate, order in which I eat my food, how I eat my sandwich, weighing most foods before eating them). However, I just wanted to ask whether it is OK to keep them? After all, they are not so bad that I cannot eat out with others (I regularly do) and I personally like them as they make me feel safe. They don't impact on my health, and I don't care if people will laugh at me.


4. I'm going to university next year. I believe you have got a degree/have studied in higher education and want to ask you whether you can give me advise on staying safe if you have a history of an ED? Obviously there are many changes: living away from home, being more independent, being with so many new faces etc. Any tips?"

My responses:

1 - Expanding meal options is always difficult. You're not alone. It might take some time to get adjusted and feel comfortable. Don't give up if you feel uncomfortable with the expansion the first few times (or even the first several). Is your dietitian able to help you with expanding? If you no longer see the dietitian and have simply been following a meal plan for a while, I would suggest making a few more appointments with the intent to healthfully and comfortably expand what you have already been doing. A dietitian will be able to tailor some meals for you and with you that are not part of a strict plan. He or she can hopefully give you some sample ideas you can try to incorporate.

Don't get stuck on the word "normal." There is no "normal" meal. Normal is something different to everyone and we all have different needs and likes. Try to list 5 foods you enjoy and see what's out there recipe wise for them. Forgetting about portion/calories/nutrition for a moment, print a few that look good to you and bring them to your psychologist (or dietician) and discuss. Getting their opinions can help you see if they look sufficient meal wise and may help validate your opinion of whether or not they are good meals for you.

2 - Yes, I do in fact like my body. At first, years ago when I first was putting on weight, I was just accepting it. But in time, I grew to like it and even love it. I know this might sound unbelievable - the women in my group often shake their heads at me in disbelief - but it's true. There was a time I could never imagine weighing what I do, because I thought it 1) impossible 2) thought I wouldn't be "me" and 3) thought it was too much. I stand corrected. :) I'm very happy with myself but it does take time, so be patient. You will get there.

3 - As for food rituals. I don't know that I'm qualified to say whether it's okay to keep them or not. My personal opinion is that they hold a person back, as they are still technically a piece of their disorder. Try to examine WHY you are keeping them or want to keep them. WANTING to keep them indicates that they make you feel safe or comfortable and that is not necessarily a good thing, but ideally (to be truly recovered) you should be able to get more and more out of your comfort zone until you can eating "normally." If the food rituals are like a security blanket for you, eventually it will be time to let go and move beyond them. That time may not be now if you have other things to focus on first. It is all about progress, Diana. If your intent is to progress in recovery, do not intend to hold on to your food rituals. Realize that they are just coping mechanisms for feeling comfortable in situations. That said, don't get hung up on this issue - you are clearly doing well in your recovery and this does not seem like a priority at the moment.

4 - I did a video a long time ago about going away to university (college here): Coping with College

It's quite an old video (when my video camera still gave me a lisp and I was fairly new to the YouTube community). I think you'll find that it will answer what you are asking. I know there are differences between the school systems here and where you are, but the concepts I talk about are the same. I started college/university in 2002 and definitely understand where you are coming from. I graduated with a degree in 2006 so it's a bit in my past, but I well remember what it was like. :)

Question # 20: Taking Responsibility & Being Real

KRYSTAL left a comment a couple of months months ago (sorry it's taken me so long to get to your questions, Krystal!) and I'm going to break them up up into 2 parts to respond. First:

"Thanks for your videos, Arielle. I am just now catching up on them (of course, after the holidays are over)! One thing I have been struggling with lately is a realization that I may really not be the nice person I always thought I was. People have always thought of me as a really nice person. I have been able to find numerous flaws in my personality, but whenever I have had a "mean" moment, I have written it off and blamed it on depression, ED, or whatever stress was going on at the moment. I have been pretty negative and downtrodden lately about my realization that maybe I am just not as nice of a person as I have always thought.

On the brighter side, I am going to take some of your advice from your video "Appreciating What You DO Have Instead of Trying to Change What You've Got". I am going to blog about some things I am thankful for, maybe every day if I can find the time to get on my blog. I am also going to look for some good quotes to frame - I loved those quotes in your bathroom - awesome!"


Okay - you've probably heard the saying "You are your own worst critic" before, but let me talk about that for a second. We can all find flaws in our personalities, and not one of us is perfect. We can strive for perfection, we can strive to be nice, but we may never live up to our expectations. If you are looking for flaws, you will find them. You can keep in mind that you are only human - without making excuses for yourself. You don't always have to be one extreme or the other. By that I mean, you don't have to either be a horrible person or a perfect one. It doesn't work that way. You are who you are and you will change in many ways as you grow as a person.

That said, a part of recovery is definitely taking responsibility for your actions. So if you think you've been making excuses for yourself based on depression, stress, or your eating disorder, perhaps you are. But it doesn't mean those things are not a factor in why you are not able to be as nice as you wish to be.

I think being honest with ourselves is a difficult thing at times. As you say,you're downtrodden lately about the realization you may not be as nice of a person as you originally thought. If this is a true assessment, I can imagine it's rough. But keep in mind that many things can alter one's perception, and one of those things is an eating disorder. Your very sense of self could be askew. The way you view yourself could be completely off. The best thing to do is examine your actions, thoughts, and feelings - and see where they lead you. If you can recognize that you are not feeling like a nice person for valid reasons, you will be better able to change that.

The best advice I can offer is akin to what you are already doing. The more positive reinforcement you have around you, the more positive you will become. Surround yourself with the right things, and you will see a change. You can help your mood, you can help your "niceness." So definitely frame some positive quotes - and put them where you can see them on a daily basis. Make that list of things you're thankful for - and while you're at it, make a list of all the positive attributes YOU possess.

Might be hard at first... but don't let it slide. Complete a list. And add to it as you think of more positive traits. We all have them. Dig for them.

Krystal continues:

"On another note, I have been struggling with the decision on whether to blog about ED stuff. I was bulimic for so long and it was such a big part of my life, but since I was mostly normal weight, not a lot of people knew about it unless I told them. A lot of the new people I know have no clue I ever struggled with ED. I feel like blogging about it sometimes, but don't know if it would change things between me and my newer friends, or make things weird between us. . . What has been your experience? Sorry if you have already blogged or done a video about this. If so, you can just direct me there. . .Thanks."


I think blogging can be very therapeutic. Whatever you want to disclose to the public is up to you. Do only what you feel comfortable doing. If you want, start out small and see how it feels. See what kind of feedback you get. You don't have to tell your whole story all at once. You don't even have to give a backstory if you'd rather not. You can simply write your thoughts, and if some of those thoughts happen to be eating disorder thoughts, put 'em in there.

Your blog is your space. No one can tell you what to write. But if you constantly feel you are censoring yourself, it doesn't make for as therapeutic an experience. You know? Furthermore, if you are refraining from putting some honest bits of yourself out there because you're worried about what other people will think, say, or do - you're giving in to something that will not help you. That mentality is only going to hurt you. That is no way to live your life.

My two cents: I'd rather have a friend who's being real than a friend who's not.

Can I promise you one of your new friends won't ask questions? No. Can I promise you one of them won't shy away and act strangely? No. But as you've probably been told many a time, if they are really your friends, they'll still be your friends when they know more of your story. Don't let fear back you up against a wall.

I have met and befriended a lot of people since I recovered. Do I start having full blown conversations about my disorder with them? No. But do I blog about it? Obviously, yes. I'm not ashamed. And if someone will think differently of me because of my past, that is on them, not on me. Go in with the right attitude and you will not be disappointed.

Best of luck!

Videos of mine from the last year or so you might find helpful:

Friendships & Eating Disorders: Gaining Perspective Part 1
Friendships & Eating Disorders: Gaining Perspective Part 2
Addressing Trust and Friendships
Perfection & Imperfection
Telling, Fielding, and Dealing
Learning to Like Yourself
Stop Pretending & Start Being Real

Question # 18: Exercise During Recovery

I was asked this question via an email this week:

"How did you deal with exercise during recovery? Do you exercise now?"

During recovery, there were points when I over-exercised. I wanted recovery, but I was so scared of the weight gain that it entailed for me, that I overcompensated when I was having hard times. I was never one of those girls who stayed at the gym for hours on end, but I did run farther and more often than I should have when I wasn't eating enough to warrant such activity, let alone a sedentary lifestyle.

Eventually, as I got farther in recovery, I began to understand that for me - if I was going to stay healthy - there was a fine line between exercise and overexercise. That's just how I was. I knew that if I started working out or running, I could (and probably would) go overboard. So I gave myself days on which I was "allowed" to exercise... and made sure that my food intake was comparable to the exercise at hand. For a while, I stopped exercising all together. Maybe that's shocking to a lot of you, but it's true.

Fact of the matter was I needed to gain weight. And when I was finally eating three meals a day and a snack or two, exercise was only proving counterproductive. I was still at a weight where every pound I'd gain from eating properly would only be taken away again by exercise. So I told myself I'd get to a healthier weight and THEN I'd start exercising again.

If you give it some serious thought, people who are underweight really shouldn't be exercising. Maybe some light weight lifting to build muscle or keep active, but nothing like running or intensive cardio. No biking or treadmills. It's not safe. It's not healthy. And it will make you lose weight.

Did I get antsy wanting to exercise? Sure. But you have to ask yourself what you want more - to recover or to exercise. Recovery always held more weight (no pun intended).

Once I was at a healthy weight and was stable (not losing, then getting back to that weight multiple times), I incorporated exercise again. I gave myself limits. Why? Because I know my limits. And I knew what was needed. A person who's just at the threshold of a healthy weight and is still slender doesn't need to be doing hours of weight-loss exercise.

I only let myself run a mile if I wanted to run. That's it. I only let myself exercise for half an hour. That's it.

It worked for me. I was able to eat properly, maintain a healthy weight, and not allow exercise to get out of control (or cause weight loss). It was just enough that it kept me active, made me feel good, and was the perfect amount coupled with my food intake.

To get to the last part of the question - yes, these days I do exercise. I just do so in moderation. Everyone talks about moderation being key, but it really is where exercise is concerned. I'm a Caseworker - I sit at a desk a lot of the day. And when I'm home, I sit at a computer for a few hours too. It's good for me to exercise. I like to run, but pretty much only do it in nice enough weather. Right now, for example, it's snowy and bitter cold here, and I don't have a treadmill...so I am not running. When spring starts to come around, I'll probably go back to running, but I only run 3 days a week at MOST and I only run 1-2 miles. It's enough. To many who exercise frequently, obsessively, or are extremely into fitness, that may seem like so little. But nevertheless, it's a perfectly adequate amount of running. It's enough for me, for my lifestyle, and for my weight.

When I'm inside, I lift small weights and do a variety of arm exercises. Just to raise the heart rate a bit and keep my muscles active. I do some leg exercises too (not with weights). Again, it's all in moderation. I'll do crunches sometimes - but not hundreds. I'll work out after work, but not for longer than 30 minutes. It's simply not necessary for me. I'm doing enough.

I'm at a perfectly healthy weight - no longer at just the "threshold of healthy" as I was a few years earlier. No ifs, ands, or buts about it - I have breasts, no poking rib bones, and my clothing sizes have gone up more than once since my recovery first began. I've been at my current weight for years now and it's happy and healthy for me. I may fluctuate between a pound or two in either direction, but my weight is natural - it's where my body wants to be when I'm eating healthfully and taking care of myself.

Don't be scared. Let go of the fear a little more each day.

Fear of Failure

I think it's only natural to be afraid your eating disorder will come back...but the important thing is that if it ever DOES come back, you have the tools to fight it. It may never completely cease to exist, but you can be stronger than it is and you can survive.

Fear is only going to bring you down. It can take quite a while to be rid of an eating disorder, especially if it has been with you for a while, and no amount of relapses makes your recovery any less valid. It is a difficult fight, but you can do it. You’ll have good days and bad days. Just remember what you truly want. If recovery is your goal, you are already far along on your journey to a better life.

Bad days are inevitable, but you can pull through. Being afraid to slip back into your eating disorder can make you run closer to recovery, but if the fear becomes so great that one setback makes you doubt yourself, you need to recognize it and fight it.

Fear like this means you’re just waiting for your eating disorder to take hold of you again. It means you don’t think you can really get away from it. And in that case, you won’t.

We are all human and one setback does not negate all the hard work you put in up until that point. You aren't starting again at square one just because you had a setback. You are working towards something that is hard to achieve and it's only natural you will have slip-ups. If you recognize that you did something you didn't like, and feel bad over it, just get back on the road to recovery. That's all there is to it: putting a slip-up behind you. Many eating disordered people have relapses (sometimes multiple relapses) before they feel they are totally recovered. Just keep hopping back on the track to your goal.

Think of it this way: If you want to get from California to New York and you drive 1000 miles, then stop your car and therefore stop making progress, you don't have to start back at California to get on your way to New York again! You are still 1000 miles of the way there. You may have stopped and therefore your trip will take more time, but you don't have to start over. Just get back in the car and keep going. You'll get there eventually. And you can stop as many times as you want.

Put more faith in yourself than in your eating disorder.