Being Kind to Yourself Through Physical/Mental Recovery

Important topic this week, folks.

We're starting a new 4 week rotation this week! (Set-backs / Relapse / Relapse-Prevention)

This week's topic:

Week of March 4 - 10 - Being kind to yourself when new to recovery. Recognizing the struggle that might persist even when you are physically and behaviorally improved. Having compassion for the struggle. Setting up a strong support network to work through it. Not being HARD on yourself for having a hard time with it.

Coping with Disaster and Death While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

This week's video is an important one if you have ever struggled (or are struggling) with loss of any kind. The second half of the video is key.

Friendship, Eating Disorders, and Everyone's Right to Lead a Life

I received a message about something I think can be very helpful to many who are in recovery from eating disorders. I'd like to share with you the question (asking for advice) and my response, in the hope that it will give some clarity to others who are dealing with the same dilemma. I know it's a rather long post, but if you read it through to the end, I think you'll find it worth the time.

---"My best friend of 15 years (after ignoring me for a few months) decided to call me up last week and basically list out everything I've done wrong in the relationship over the past 15 years and how I've pretty much been a terrible friend this whole time. Furthermore, she seems to be putting some kind of condition on our friendship in terms of my eating disorder. She claims that I fail to take personal responsibility for it and that she can't handle all of the 'back and forth' (meaning relapses), that she doesn't like to see or hear from me when I'm not doing well, and that we basically can't be friends unless I can guarantee that I'll never be symptomatic or sick again. To an extent I can kind of see where she is coming from because I am sure it's not easy to watch a friend self destruct especially when it seems like they are doing it on purpose. I tried to explain it to her, but she didn't want to hear it. She's had 'enough.' I also tried to explain that I'm doing fairly well at the moment and the kind of progress I've made over the past few months (when she was ignoring my calls), to which she responded, 'yea, well, I don't know how long that's going to last.'


It seems like no matter what I do I can't win! Perhaps I'm too close to the situation and I'm not seeing it clearly (which is why I'm interested to know what you think) but to me this seems like an awfully conditional type of friendship, not to mention an impossible, unrealistic promise for me to make. She sent me this 'holier than thou' sounding e-mail about how she took personal responsibility for her life and how I never take any personal responsibility for mine. She and I were like peanut butter and jelly growing up and it would be devastating for this friendship to end, but I almost don't want to be friends with her anymore. I feel like friends are supposed to accept the good and the bad parts of each other, not just the parts they like. As you know, EDs are complex, especially if you've been dealing with one since childhood like I have. It takes a lot of work to fully conquer an ED and even to find a knowledgeable therapist who is a good 'fit.' I realize that when I engage in unhealthy behaviors I am making a choice to do so, but it's not as though I'm not also attempting to do other things to try and help myself.


Sorry this is so long, but what I am asking you is, do you agree with me when I say I think she's being unfair and unreasonable or is there something I'm missing? All of her e-mails (because she doesn't want to see or talk to me) have this condescending edge to them that make me feel like crap. I'd hate to let this friendship go, but at the same time hearing from her just makes me feel bad about myself and I don't think I should have to 'explain' my eating disorder to her or submit to this condition she is putting on the relationship. It's not like I anticipate or look forward to a relapse or anything, but I'm doubly stressed out now because I feel like I can't ever mess up again or else I'll ruin the relationship. I feel like friendship is supposed to make you feel good, not afraid of the other person's judgment. What are your thoughts? Should I go with my gut and just let go of this friendship?"---



Based on what you wrote, it does sound like your friend is being unreasonable. There is definitely a difference between watching someone purposely self-destruct and supporting someone who struggles in recovery. It is very hard for a lot of people to understand eating disorders and recovery (from anything) in general. For those who have not been through something similar, there is often a very black and white attitude. It may be easier for her to see things as all or nothing (meaning you get better and stay that way and she stays your friend or she’s done with you) because of her own feelings in regards to your circumstances.

We can’t make people understand what eating disorders are like – all we can do is explain them to the best of our ability and hope we get the support we need from those in our lives. You might want to ask yourself if she has been put through a lot in regards to your eating disorder. If she feels like the friendship has been a roller-coaster ride, she might feel emotionally unable to continue with it if there is still possibility for you to slip-up in the future. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and see it from a different angle: it’s really hard to go through ups and downs over and over again, if it seems like the same things continue to happen. It’s emotionally draining and she may just not have it in her to deal with it any longer. That is her right. If she is saying what she is saying, it might be a form of self-care on her own part.

That said, it sounds like she expects unrealistic outcomes from you and your recovery. Even if she is unable to be a support to you any longer and must put herself first because she can’t keep going through it, it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong and it doesn’t mean you aren’t trying hard enough.

If you were struggling and refused care, purposely sabotaged your recovery on a daily basis, or refused to listen to words of support and encouragement, it would be different. But if you are trying in recovery, putting forth effort, but having the normal slips and falls that anyone encounters along the way, it’s not as though you are putting your fingers in your ears and shutting every positive thing out.

You can and should ask yourself if you are doing all you can in recovery right now. If the answer is no, perhaps some of your defensive feelings lie in that. But regardless, a friend should not ask you to promise you will never have another bad time ever again in regards to your eating disorder. Your recovery in many ways is completely within your own control, but all things in your LIFE are not. No one can promise anything of such magnitude and friendship should not be based on ultimatums.

If the situation were different and you were plummeting day after day, farther and farther into your disorder and she told you to go get treatment or she could no longer be your friend, that is more of an interventionist tactic and is an ultimatum I could understand. But to expect you never to need support again through rough patches is unfair.

Again, if she feels as she feels, it’s her right. Not everyone can handle life with someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder. She cannot be faulted for that. BUT her feeling the way she does is not YOUR fault either.

Think of this example – if there is a husband and wife who have been together for years, enjoying good times and loving each other, and the man becomes an alcoholic, this will be difficult for the woman to handle. She may love him and support him as he struggles with the day-to-day issues. He may get help. She may continue to love him and be there for him. Perhaps he does well in recovery for a time. Then he relapses. This is even harder for the woman to handle. It affects her life too. He doesn’t want to be an alcoholic though, and is always trying to pull himself back up. He tries recovery again, does well, but has bad days. Sometimes he slips up. Every time, it’s harder and harder on his wife. Finally, after years of this – even though she knows he is trying to leave his alcoholism behind, she can’t endure it anymore. She wants him to promise he will never falter again or she must leave. He can’t make that promise because he is afraid of breaking it. All he can do is try his very best day by day and ask for her support. She does not have it in her to continue the marriage, because she has her own life to live and her own emotions with which to contend. She leaves him.

Neither of the people in this situation are at fault. One has a serious problem, but is ever working at recovery. One has love and support, but only to a certain point, and eventually must put herself first because it has gotten too hard. The husband has every right to say that all he can do is try his best and work at recovery every day, because he does not want to be an alcoholic. The wife has every right to say she cannot deal with his alcoholism anymore. It’s a crossroads.

Think of this story as your situation. The roles are essentially the same. Maybe the friendship has come to a close. Maybe in time, she will see your changes and understand that all you can do is take one day at a time, and will come back into your life. Maybe she will take a breathing period away from the friendship and come back with renewed hope, more reasonable expectations, and recharged stamina.

I’m sorry this is happening, especially because recovery is hard enough without losing a friend in the process, but you can only take each day as it comes and work with it. Self reflect, and whatever happens, understand that as long as you choose recovery every day, you are doing the most important thing. Whatever your friend does and thinks and feels is essentially out of your control. You can hope and talk and explain, but in the end, she can make a decision based on her own needs, and she should.

You may even feel relief if the friendship tapers off as it doesn’t sound like she is able to support you like a best friend would and should.



Good luck!

Having Friends Who Are At All Points In Recovery

Interesting topic this week. Here are some things from my perspective, including a few links (linked in the video itself) to related videos of mine from the past.

Denial & That Push Forward

This week's topic is: Denial & That Push Forward. Finally YouTube has granted me the ability to post videos longer than 15 minutes, so you get a bit more without me having to edit myself after I'm done talking to fit it all into a 10 minute window! :)

Friends & Triggers

An important lesson.

New Year, New Thinking

This week's video is a MUST-SEE for all. :)

Validation in the Face of "It's Just a Phase, She'll Grow Out of It."

This week's video:

PART THREE of "So What's Your Story?"

Here's the next installment in my memoir videos. You can find PART ONE here and PART TWO here. Here's PART THREE, continuing right along:

PART TWO of "So, What's Your Story?"

Here's the next installment in my memoir videos. You can find PART ONE here. This is PART TWO:



PART THREE TO COME SHORTLY.

"So, What's YOUR Story?"

There is one question I get asked a lot. So I thought I'd answer it... slowly and in video form. I've had this blog for 3 years and I've never really given a play by play of my own history. I've touched on things here and there, mentioned details in reference to the advice I've given, and clearly explained that I recovered from anorexia, but I haven't really delved into all of it. It's not typically what I'm about. I mean, how many eating disorder memoirs are out there?

But I'm not ashamed and I'm an open book. :)

It will be in parts, because of the 10 minute time limit on videos.

Here we go...
This is my story (in a nutshell).

Memoir PART ONE

Question # 21: When You Feel You've Exhausted the Topic

An anonymous reader recently wrote:


"Hi Arielle :) I'd really appreciate if you could give some advice on what to do when you feel you exhausted the subject of your ED with a friend, or family, in my case my boyfriend, yet you still feel like you do need to talk about it sometimes."



I'd start off by asking yourself a few simple questions.

Why do you feel you've exhausted the subject? Is it because of a reaction you get? Or is it because of a reaction you're afraid you'd get? Don't let fear get in the way of your needs.

Also: Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel like you're not being heard? Is it putting a strain on the relationship or are you just afraid it will?

Make sure you assess your particular situation. It's very important.

Talking about your eating disorder is not something you can give yourself a limit for. You can't say, "I will only talk about it 3 times this week and if I've reached my max and need/want to talk about it again, I won't." It doesn't work that way.

If you feel you are holding something in, it will put even more of a strain on your relationship and on yourself.

Remember that having an eating disorder is like many other things. If someone comes home every day and says, "I had a bad day," because they dislike their job, they are saying the same things regularly and you wouldn't tell them to be quiet.

It's true that it can be hard for people to listen to things about eating disorders (or your eating disorder in particular) on a constant basis. Just be aware of how often you talk about it and how they might feel. Also be aware if you are repeating yourself a lot. Where do you hope to get with bringing up the eating disorder?

You know as well as anyone else that listening to someone complain on a regular basis is not fun. So ask yourself if your eating disorder talks are productive or therapeutic or helpful. If they are just complaints, they aren't helping you or the person listening to you.

Also remember that your partner or friend is not your therapist. Some things are better discussed in therapy. There is a difference between requesting support or acknowledging something, and having a mentally draining conversation frequently. It's really hard for some people to listen to certain things that therapists are more accustomed to hearing. Not everyone is equipped to be able to deal with everything. If you're not in therapy, consider it. Could be you need that outlet to get your thoughts out and right now only have a special person in your life to discuss these things with and it's becoming too much.

That said, needing to talk about the eating disorder is normal and silence will not get your far in recovery. If you hesitate to speak up when you need to because of another person, you may need to evaluate your relationship with the person. If they are not willing to listen or will not try to understand why you need to keep talking about the eating disorder from time to time, the problem may be the relationship.

Anyone recovering from an illness or addiction needs support, and if you are not getting support in the right quantities or in the right ways, you need to be honest with yourself.

For some people, keeping a journal is enough to make them feel better. For others, talking about struggles and thoughts are necessary. If you are constantly wishing you could talk about something, but don't, your relationship is not healthy...and neither is your recovery.

Any successful relationship needs good communication. And any successful relationship needs support flowing both ways. Do you have these things?

It may be that the person with whom you are in a relationship is not able to give you the support you need. This happens. Some people can not give us what we wish they would give us. It is not necessarily the fault of the person and there is not necessarily anything you can do to change the relationship dynamic. Sometimes it's just about acceptance, which can be very hard. Always put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand what they are hearing from you and how it might make them feel. BUT don't do this at the cost of your own well-being. PLEASE remember that compromise is a solution, NOT completely giving up your desire to talk about something. If you keep quiet for someone else's sake because you feel or they feel that you have exhausted the subject, you are really cheating yourself.

Be aware.
Be thoughtful.
Be willing to compromise.
But do not be silent.
Your recovery will suffer.

I'm Your Voice of Reason :)

I was thinking a lot last night - about a particular friend, about the world in which we live, and obviously, about eating disorders. I had responded to this friend's post and the more I wrote, the more I realized that the way she is currently feeling is the way a lot of people are currently feeling. There was so much I wanted to tell her and there is so much I want to tell you. So I propped up my webcam and made a quick video. It's below. As usual, click to view on YouTube as embedding has been disabled.

Love to all.

Question # 20: Taking Responsibility & Being Real

KRYSTAL left a comment a couple of months months ago (sorry it's taken me so long to get to your questions, Krystal!) and I'm going to break them up up into 2 parts to respond. First:

"Thanks for your videos, Arielle. I am just now catching up on them (of course, after the holidays are over)! One thing I have been struggling with lately is a realization that I may really not be the nice person I always thought I was. People have always thought of me as a really nice person. I have been able to find numerous flaws in my personality, but whenever I have had a "mean" moment, I have written it off and blamed it on depression, ED, or whatever stress was going on at the moment. I have been pretty negative and downtrodden lately about my realization that maybe I am just not as nice of a person as I have always thought.

On the brighter side, I am going to take some of your advice from your video "Appreciating What You DO Have Instead of Trying to Change What You've Got". I am going to blog about some things I am thankful for, maybe every day if I can find the time to get on my blog. I am also going to look for some good quotes to frame - I loved those quotes in your bathroom - awesome!"


Okay - you've probably heard the saying "You are your own worst critic" before, but let me talk about that for a second. We can all find flaws in our personalities, and not one of us is perfect. We can strive for perfection, we can strive to be nice, but we may never live up to our expectations. If you are looking for flaws, you will find them. You can keep in mind that you are only human - without making excuses for yourself. You don't always have to be one extreme or the other. By that I mean, you don't have to either be a horrible person or a perfect one. It doesn't work that way. You are who you are and you will change in many ways as you grow as a person.

That said, a part of recovery is definitely taking responsibility for your actions. So if you think you've been making excuses for yourself based on depression, stress, or your eating disorder, perhaps you are. But it doesn't mean those things are not a factor in why you are not able to be as nice as you wish to be.

I think being honest with ourselves is a difficult thing at times. As you say,you're downtrodden lately about the realization you may not be as nice of a person as you originally thought. If this is a true assessment, I can imagine it's rough. But keep in mind that many things can alter one's perception, and one of those things is an eating disorder. Your very sense of self could be askew. The way you view yourself could be completely off. The best thing to do is examine your actions, thoughts, and feelings - and see where they lead you. If you can recognize that you are not feeling like a nice person for valid reasons, you will be better able to change that.

The best advice I can offer is akin to what you are already doing. The more positive reinforcement you have around you, the more positive you will become. Surround yourself with the right things, and you will see a change. You can help your mood, you can help your "niceness." So definitely frame some positive quotes - and put them where you can see them on a daily basis. Make that list of things you're thankful for - and while you're at it, make a list of all the positive attributes YOU possess.

Might be hard at first... but don't let it slide. Complete a list. And add to it as you think of more positive traits. We all have them. Dig for them.

Krystal continues:

"On another note, I have been struggling with the decision on whether to blog about ED stuff. I was bulimic for so long and it was such a big part of my life, but since I was mostly normal weight, not a lot of people knew about it unless I told them. A lot of the new people I know have no clue I ever struggled with ED. I feel like blogging about it sometimes, but don't know if it would change things between me and my newer friends, or make things weird between us. . . What has been your experience? Sorry if you have already blogged or done a video about this. If so, you can just direct me there. . .Thanks."


I think blogging can be very therapeutic. Whatever you want to disclose to the public is up to you. Do only what you feel comfortable doing. If you want, start out small and see how it feels. See what kind of feedback you get. You don't have to tell your whole story all at once. You don't even have to give a backstory if you'd rather not. You can simply write your thoughts, and if some of those thoughts happen to be eating disorder thoughts, put 'em in there.

Your blog is your space. No one can tell you what to write. But if you constantly feel you are censoring yourself, it doesn't make for as therapeutic an experience. You know? Furthermore, if you are refraining from putting some honest bits of yourself out there because you're worried about what other people will think, say, or do - you're giving in to something that will not help you. That mentality is only going to hurt you. That is no way to live your life.

My two cents: I'd rather have a friend who's being real than a friend who's not.

Can I promise you one of your new friends won't ask questions? No. Can I promise you one of them won't shy away and act strangely? No. But as you've probably been told many a time, if they are really your friends, they'll still be your friends when they know more of your story. Don't let fear back you up against a wall.

I have met and befriended a lot of people since I recovered. Do I start having full blown conversations about my disorder with them? No. But do I blog about it? Obviously, yes. I'm not ashamed. And if someone will think differently of me because of my past, that is on them, not on me. Go in with the right attitude and you will not be disappointed.

Best of luck!

Videos of mine from the last year or so you might find helpful:

Friendships & Eating Disorders: Gaining Perspective Part 1
Friendships & Eating Disorders: Gaining Perspective Part 2
Addressing Trust and Friendships
Perfection & Imperfection
Telling, Fielding, and Dealing
Learning to Like Yourself
Stop Pretending & Start Being Real

A Letter to E

This is a real letter - to a real friend of mine. But it could very easily be a letter to any of you, if some details were changed. She's struggling. And I'm struggling to find the right words to push her in the right direction.

Dearest E,

You are hurting. You are numb. I can feel it in your words. But your spark is not gone, because I can feel that too. Am I worried? Yes. I've said it to you countless times already. Am I hopeful? Yes. Always. Why? Because I know you can do this. I know you can beat this thing that for some reason has seen fit to grab hold of you again.

I know you're stronger than your eating disorder. I know you are a fighter. Hell, everyone who knows you knows that. Are you forgetting?

I can't let you forget. I can't let you throw away all the progress you've made. You deserve better and recovery is the only "better" there is. Trust me. Please trust me. I know a huge part of you wants to just throw in the towel and let the glamorous version of your eating disorder take over. But you are not a quitter. And that glamorous version may scream "You'll be thin!" and spout pleasing numbers at your numbed mind, but it's all fluff. Fallacy.

I've seen what you can accomplish - on your own, with help, with support. The fact is, you can accomplish a lot and amaze people around you - not by your dwindling physique, but by your determination, your true beauty (curls, freckles, a really great smile, and yes - a body that's lovely whether you see it or not), your intelligence, your passion, your creativity, and your sense of fun.

You have a real sense of fun.

And guess what? It's going to go away. A part of you thinks you'll be happier if you continue down this path of letting the illness and obsession take over... but you're wrong. And I don't want you to find out the hard way. Not again.

It all seems like too much. I know. I know recovery seems too hard, too annoying, too overwhelming, too invasive. And I know that you're screaming inside, "That's not what I want! I want to be thinner! I want that number to keep going down!' But every time you give in to that screaming voice, you're losing a piece of yourself. And I don't just mean in pounds.

I don't want to see you go.

I'm willing to play hardball and tell you to cut the crap. I'm also willing to love you fiercely (and ferociously). And I'm also willing to listen to you vent and rage and cry and freak out. Any time. As long as you won't give in to that voice.

And one last thing: This whole thing totally sucks.

I know it sucks. And I know it's hell. But I'm here for you. And the time to move forward is now. You can do it.

No, you can do it.

NO, you CAN do it.

Okay?

I love you.


Love, Arielle


What do you think, guys? Can you give E some encouragement?

Advice for a Friend of an Eating Disorder Sufferer

My recent video in response to the viewer question:

"My best friend suffers from an eating disorder and I've tried so hard to help her, I've supported her, encouraged her, got information for her, gone to appointments with her, but nothing helps. I know I can't save her. I know I can't force her to get better. But I just wondered if there is anything else I can do to help her and how I am supposed to continue being her friend as she continues to starve to death."

It's 10 minutes long, but worth watching if you are a friend of an eating disorder sufferer... OR if you have friends who you don't feel understand. I hope you can take something from it.

I've been thinking of all of you and I'm sorry for the brief hiatus. Lots going on!

Much love! Here's the video!

Your Life Raft in the Waters of Criticism

It’s easy to get swept up in the swirl of the world. You go to school or work and you see and hear things that make you feel inadequate. There are a lot of things out there that influence us, whether we like it or not. And in a lot of ways, it can be a good thing. Many of us have friends we have a great time with, family we love and care about, and things we enjoy doing, watching, or reading. And that’s okay.

But when you already feel a certain way and suddenly you can feel that something around you is pulling you to feel another way, you need to stop and think for a minute. A minute is all it takes. You’ve heard the advice: “Go with your first instinct.” Well, in this case, you usually should. If something you see or hear or read makes you second guess how you FEEL about yourself, it’s best to examine it.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s great when we see or hear or read something that makes us question our thoughts or our knowledge about something. It’s good to be open to other opinions, possibilities, and viewpoints. We can learn a lot by paying attention to the world around us. Just don’t let something make you feel like less of a person if you didn’t feel that way before.

If your peers are telling you something negative (that you’re fat, ugly, etc.) or worse—if your friends (which is questionable to say the least) are saying things that make you feel bad about the way you look—don’t let them bring you down to a place where you want to change to please them. Working to please others or to make others like you is no way to live and is, frankly, a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, all you have is YOU.

Not all criticism is constructive.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

For girls and women, especially, life can become a competition. You want to be pretty, you want to be smart, you want to be thin. You want to make sure you are as good as everyone around you. Sometimes it can feel hard to measure up. Sometimes the people you’re trying to measure up against TELL you that you aren’t good enough in some way. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not thin enough. Your clothes aren’t nice enough. Your haircut isn’t cute enough. The list can be never-ending.

You’ll never be able to please everyone. And you’ll never be able to hold yourself above the water if you let other people pull you under. And drowning is a horrible way to die.

Really, it’s all about survival. You can’t let people--or things you see, hear, or read--get the better of you. If you read in a magazine that being a certain size makes you somehow less appealing to the world at large, but you felt okay about your size before you read it, listen to your first instinct—that you are fine the way you are. Don’t buy into the negative pull. If your friends, school peers, co-workers, and/or family say something that makes you feel negatively about yourself, just remember that what they say doesn’t determine what you are. And for everyone who says something that makes you feel badly, there are just as many people who see you as great in a lot ways.

If you see an ad on TV and it makes you wonder if you should try to change yourself in some way, don’t let something you see for two minutes on TV influence you into thinking you’d be better off looking different. You have your own mind; use it.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

You write your own story. You can change anything you want. And you can add a new chapter whenever you feel like it. You don’t need something external or someone you know telling you what and how to change. All throughout your life, people are going to offer their opinions whether you like it or not. Sometimes a person’s opinion will help you…and sometimes it will hurt you. It’s up to you to learn the difference. There are a lot of things out there that can help us…and there are just as many things that can hinder us. A minute of thought can make a world of difference when it comes to deciding whether or not to think negatively about yourself.

When it comes right down to it, no one else anywhere is YOU. You are the only you. There’s no one out there like you. So you can’t go wrong looking the way you do. You can’t go wrong being what you are. You are you and that is the way you were meant to be. It’s okay and natural to feel unsure about the way you look sometimes, but if you’re feeling good about yourself, don’t ever let anyone make you think differently. When you give in to a negative thought about yourself, you’re relinquishing a little piece of yourself. If you continue to do that, pretty soon you’ll have surrendered a lot of pieces. You’ll be weaker and more unsure than ever.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

It can get pretty difficult dealing with things and people around you, especially if they are undermining your confidence in yourself. But you know what? It takes a very strong person to make it through and come out on top—to come out feeling okay. To come out knowing you are great just the way you are. To come out better because you know this.

Don’t give up on yourself. You have all the power.

And you are beautiful. Just as you are.

Hope

What I'm about to say is pretty much the whole point of my blog...but at the same time, I don't flat-out say it enough:

Recovery is possible.

On a daily basis, I think my heart breaks a little for all the girls and women out there (and boys and men too) who are struggling with eating disorders. I think I'd be in pieces if I wasn't able to turn my breaking heart into a force of positivity and support. I know so many wonderful people suffering from a disease they wish to control. I know so many beautiful people who don't see their own beauty. I know so many people who have so much to offer the world, but are at a loss when it comes to helping themselves.

I've been there. I stared anorexia in the face and it took me over for a while...until I decided to bite back and take my life into my own hands instead of passing it off to an illness that would have been only too happy to kill me. I know that's putting it simply. It's not an easy process and sometimes it gets more difficult instead of the other way around.

I get countless emails from people who have been touched (and by touched, I mean slammed) by an eating disorder. I ache to heal them, but know that it's not up to me. All I can offer is my support and my encouragement that it can be done. Recovery is possible.

At times, I feel like a little fairy who just spouts happy words of positivity and shows people the good in life like nothing bad ever happens--at least that's what I feel people must think of me at times.

In reality, I'm not a fairy and I'm not preachy. What I say and do is all about one word: HOPE.

I want to give hope.

That sentence above could have been something entirely different a few years ago. Change the last word and it would have been my state of mind: I want to give up.

That's no longer the case, obviously, but that journey from wanting to give up to wanting to give hope had a lot of stops in between. I wanted to get better. I wanted to get real. I wanted to get heard. I wanted to get a life. I wanted to get OUT. And when I did...when I did all of those things...I wanted to give hope.

Because it's not a fun journey, even though from time to time it has its little benefits and its little joys. A good trick is to make a celebration out of everything that could be uncomfortable or unsettling. You don't fit into your clothes anymore? Donate 'em! Call your nearest and dearest and have fun cutting a few choice pieces up and throwing the shreds like confetti! Take your mother or your sister or your best friend and head to your favorite and buy some new things that make you feel good! A little moral support can go a long way.

When things are too much, there is always hope. Hope is there and it will wait if you want to put it away until tomorrow when you have more energy. Hope is everlasting. Hope is the balm that can get you from one day to the next. And because hope is possible, recovery also is possible.

The 3 Hs

The problem: How to deal with people who talk constantly about weight, weight loss, and/or dieting.

What this problem can be:

-Triggering

-Sad

-Annoying

-Unhelpful

-Angering

-Any or all of the above

A lot of the time this person in question is someone you love, respect, or call a friend. So it gets tricky. And sticky. And well, downright icky.

I tend to suggest the 3 Hs.

The 3 Hs:

-Humor

-Honesty

-Heart to Heart

Let me explain. Let’s say the person in question says, “I can’t believe I gained 5 pounds.”

You could laugh and say, “You probably just need to go to the bathroom,” and soften the situation with a little humor, making light of it, and therefore letting the person know it’s OKAY, but at the same time not getting into it with them if it would make you uncomfortable or be triggering.

Let’s say the person in question says, “I am so fat.”

You could respond with, “Of course you’re not fat. You are beautiful just the way you are. That’s one of the reasons I love you.” It’s honesty. And people sometimes shrink away from it because it feels so serious and so open. And because people without eating disorders don’t always put it out there like that. But if you DO care about the person saying this, then combat her negative comment with something REAL.

Another example is this: Let’s say the person in question says, “I need to go on a diet.”

Your response could be, “No you don’t. A diet isn’t necessary to make you feel better. It isn’t the answer.” There’s some more honesty for you. People don’t usually talk frankly and poignantly like this with one another. But sometimes, it’s the best thing. Sometimes the person with whom you’re having a conversation needs to hear it. You might feel strange giving so bold a reply to their comment, but it takes the conversation in a different direction—a non-triggering direction, an empowering direction, a GOOD direction.

On to the last H. Let’s say the person in question says, “I’m trying to lose weight. I only ate a salad and a diet Coke last night,” and goes on to detail their food intake or their pride in dieting—even if it’s NOT unhealthy.

You’ll be doing yourself a favor if you have a little heart to heart and say, “I don’t want to blow off what you’re saying because I am listening. And I want you to feel like you can talk to me about things, but it’s really hard for me to hear details about food and dieting. I want to be honest with you about this for my own good. I don’t have a problem with you, I just have a problem that I’m working on. I hope you can understand.”

You’re not apologizing. You’re being truthful. You’re worrying about yourself first, as you should. And you’re still being a good friend. And you can be as vague or as open as you feel you need to be when having the little heart to heart. If the person knows about your eating disorder history, it might be easier, but even if the person doesn’t, there are still plenty of ways you can say what’s written above without revealing more information than you’re comfortable with. If the person asks something you’re not happy answering, you have simply to say, “I hope you won’t mind, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now. But let’s keep talking.” These kinds of things are difficult, but once you learn to do them, you’ll be much better off and much better equipped to handle what gets thrown at you in this life.

After all, using the 3 Hs is better than just sitting or standing there quietly, listening to comments like these, feeling triggered and trapped. Am I right? You might be surprised how much your own voice thrown into the mix makes a difference. You also might be surprised about how easy it really is when you start saying something back. These weight/weight loss/dieting conversations happen far more often than you might like, so learning how to handle them is a definite must.

May I Have Your Attention, Please?

I'm Group Leader for an ANAD Support Group that's starting this month. I thought I'd post the info (i.e. the flier I made) here for those who are in my area! Even if you're not in my area, I suppose it's still nice to share the news! I'm VERY excited about this. If you are interested or know anyone who might be, send me an email. Help me spread the word! I am blotting out my phone number (and part of the meeting address) which appears on the real local flier because you never know what internet folks are out there that will harass.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders
There's an EATING DISORDER RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP in your area!
It's difficult to recover when you feel alone...
Come join us for help, understanding, and support.

WHERE: Northampton Area Public Library
(will give address if contacted) Northampton, PA 18067-close to Allentown, Bethlehem, and surrounding areas

WHEN: the FIRST and THIRD Monday of each month at 6:00 PM

Unfortunately, there will be NO meeting on July 21st due to outside circumstances, but meetings officially begin on July 7th.

Questions? Call Group Leader Arielle Bair at: 610-xxx-xxxx
or email her at: arielle.becker@gmail.com

ALL are welcome...
Regardless of your age, diagnosis, or role.
Whether you are recovering from anorexia, bulimia, ed-nos, compulsive over eating, body dismorphic disorder, orthorexia, or are simply a concerned parent, friend, or family member of someone with an eating disorder...you are warmly welcomed.