Friendship, Eating Disorders, and Everyone's Right to Lead a Life

I received a message about something I think can be very helpful to many who are in recovery from eating disorders. I'd like to share with you the question (asking for advice) and my response, in the hope that it will give some clarity to others who are dealing with the same dilemma. I know it's a rather long post, but if you read it through to the end, I think you'll find it worth the time.

---"My best friend of 15 years (after ignoring me for a few months) decided to call me up last week and basically list out everything I've done wrong in the relationship over the past 15 years and how I've pretty much been a terrible friend this whole time. Furthermore, she seems to be putting some kind of condition on our friendship in terms of my eating disorder. She claims that I fail to take personal responsibility for it and that she can't handle all of the 'back and forth' (meaning relapses), that she doesn't like to see or hear from me when I'm not doing well, and that we basically can't be friends unless I can guarantee that I'll never be symptomatic or sick again. To an extent I can kind of see where she is coming from because I am sure it's not easy to watch a friend self destruct especially when it seems like they are doing it on purpose. I tried to explain it to her, but she didn't want to hear it. She's had 'enough.' I also tried to explain that I'm doing fairly well at the moment and the kind of progress I've made over the past few months (when she was ignoring my calls), to which she responded, 'yea, well, I don't know how long that's going to last.'


It seems like no matter what I do I can't win! Perhaps I'm too close to the situation and I'm not seeing it clearly (which is why I'm interested to know what you think) but to me this seems like an awfully conditional type of friendship, not to mention an impossible, unrealistic promise for me to make. She sent me this 'holier than thou' sounding e-mail about how she took personal responsibility for her life and how I never take any personal responsibility for mine. She and I were like peanut butter and jelly growing up and it would be devastating for this friendship to end, but I almost don't want to be friends with her anymore. I feel like friends are supposed to accept the good and the bad parts of each other, not just the parts they like. As you know, EDs are complex, especially if you've been dealing with one since childhood like I have. It takes a lot of work to fully conquer an ED and even to find a knowledgeable therapist who is a good 'fit.' I realize that when I engage in unhealthy behaviors I am making a choice to do so, but it's not as though I'm not also attempting to do other things to try and help myself.


Sorry this is so long, but what I am asking you is, do you agree with me when I say I think she's being unfair and unreasonable or is there something I'm missing? All of her e-mails (because she doesn't want to see or talk to me) have this condescending edge to them that make me feel like crap. I'd hate to let this friendship go, but at the same time hearing from her just makes me feel bad about myself and I don't think I should have to 'explain' my eating disorder to her or submit to this condition she is putting on the relationship. It's not like I anticipate or look forward to a relapse or anything, but I'm doubly stressed out now because I feel like I can't ever mess up again or else I'll ruin the relationship. I feel like friendship is supposed to make you feel good, not afraid of the other person's judgment. What are your thoughts? Should I go with my gut and just let go of this friendship?"---



Based on what you wrote, it does sound like your friend is being unreasonable. There is definitely a difference between watching someone purposely self-destruct and supporting someone who struggles in recovery. It is very hard for a lot of people to understand eating disorders and recovery (from anything) in general. For those who have not been through something similar, there is often a very black and white attitude. It may be easier for her to see things as all or nothing (meaning you get better and stay that way and she stays your friend or she’s done with you) because of her own feelings in regards to your circumstances.

We can’t make people understand what eating disorders are like – all we can do is explain them to the best of our ability and hope we get the support we need from those in our lives. You might want to ask yourself if she has been put through a lot in regards to your eating disorder. If she feels like the friendship has been a roller-coaster ride, she might feel emotionally unable to continue with it if there is still possibility for you to slip-up in the future. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and see it from a different angle: it’s really hard to go through ups and downs over and over again, if it seems like the same things continue to happen. It’s emotionally draining and she may just not have it in her to deal with it any longer. That is her right. If she is saying what she is saying, it might be a form of self-care on her own part.

That said, it sounds like she expects unrealistic outcomes from you and your recovery. Even if she is unable to be a support to you any longer and must put herself first because she can’t keep going through it, it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong and it doesn’t mean you aren’t trying hard enough.

If you were struggling and refused care, purposely sabotaged your recovery on a daily basis, or refused to listen to words of support and encouragement, it would be different. But if you are trying in recovery, putting forth effort, but having the normal slips and falls that anyone encounters along the way, it’s not as though you are putting your fingers in your ears and shutting every positive thing out.

You can and should ask yourself if you are doing all you can in recovery right now. If the answer is no, perhaps some of your defensive feelings lie in that. But regardless, a friend should not ask you to promise you will never have another bad time ever again in regards to your eating disorder. Your recovery in many ways is completely within your own control, but all things in your LIFE are not. No one can promise anything of such magnitude and friendship should not be based on ultimatums.

If the situation were different and you were plummeting day after day, farther and farther into your disorder and she told you to go get treatment or she could no longer be your friend, that is more of an interventionist tactic and is an ultimatum I could understand. But to expect you never to need support again through rough patches is unfair.

Again, if she feels as she feels, it’s her right. Not everyone can handle life with someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder. She cannot be faulted for that. BUT her feeling the way she does is not YOUR fault either.

Think of this example – if there is a husband and wife who have been together for years, enjoying good times and loving each other, and the man becomes an alcoholic, this will be difficult for the woman to handle. She may love him and support him as he struggles with the day-to-day issues. He may get help. She may continue to love him and be there for him. Perhaps he does well in recovery for a time. Then he relapses. This is even harder for the woman to handle. It affects her life too. He doesn’t want to be an alcoholic though, and is always trying to pull himself back up. He tries recovery again, does well, but has bad days. Sometimes he slips up. Every time, it’s harder and harder on his wife. Finally, after years of this – even though she knows he is trying to leave his alcoholism behind, she can’t endure it anymore. She wants him to promise he will never falter again or she must leave. He can’t make that promise because he is afraid of breaking it. All he can do is try his very best day by day and ask for her support. She does not have it in her to continue the marriage, because she has her own life to live and her own emotions with which to contend. She leaves him.

Neither of the people in this situation are at fault. One has a serious problem, but is ever working at recovery. One has love and support, but only to a certain point, and eventually must put herself first because it has gotten too hard. The husband has every right to say that all he can do is try his best and work at recovery every day, because he does not want to be an alcoholic. The wife has every right to say she cannot deal with his alcoholism anymore. It’s a crossroads.

Think of this story as your situation. The roles are essentially the same. Maybe the friendship has come to a close. Maybe in time, she will see your changes and understand that all you can do is take one day at a time, and will come back into your life. Maybe she will take a breathing period away from the friendship and come back with renewed hope, more reasonable expectations, and recharged stamina.

I’m sorry this is happening, especially because recovery is hard enough without losing a friend in the process, but you can only take each day as it comes and work with it. Self reflect, and whatever happens, understand that as long as you choose recovery every day, you are doing the most important thing. Whatever your friend does and thinks and feels is essentially out of your control. You can hope and talk and explain, but in the end, she can make a decision based on her own needs, and she should.

You may even feel relief if the friendship tapers off as it doesn’t sound like she is able to support you like a best friend would and should.



Good luck!

A Question for YOU - Why?

This is a video I did about 2 weeks ago - it was a bonus video, not one of my weekly Wednesday ones. I really wanted to ask this question (the question within the video) of all of my readers/viewers/etc. and I have gotten so many responses so far, both in the comments of the video on YouTube and via email and private messages. I plan to do a follow-up video very soon to respond to many of the answers I received, so please, leave me your thoughts if you have any.

Beating the "Eating Out" Dilemma

This is a question I received from a friend a couple of months ago. I responded to her and told her I planned to post that response on my blog so you could see it too. Hope it helps. :)

***"So my boyfriend LOVES food. Of course he knows about my eating disorder, but we are planning a bunch of trips... and he wants to eat out like all the time.. and I'm just not comfortable. You know what it's like... eating out is just a different ball game... I can eat out like once a day max, have whatever I want, without getting uncomfortable. And I mean I can eat out for lunch and dinner if I need to but I usually get crabby and uncomfortable about it... I was just wondering.. have you ever had that issue in recovery and what has helped you with it?"***

Yes, I definitely know what you mean about eating out. I used to really get antsy about it and it takes the joy out of being on trip.

1 - I found that knowing exactly what the plan was beforehand really helped any anxiety I had about it. So if there's any way you can sort of a) figure out where you two will head for the meals (or what kind of food you will be getting) the night before or first thing in the morning, that's ideal and b) if that's not gonna happen, YOU can at least plan what you will have for each meal. I know you won't have any menus in front of you, but you can set yourself a little generic plan for breakfast, lunch, dinner. That way when you get to the restaurant you already feel more secure and contained and know what to "look for" on the menu.

2 - Remember that if he knows about your ED you can be up front with him and make point 1 able to happen. Tell him it may help you to plan things out more before just doing, doing, doing so that you can enjoy yourself more. That at this point it's hard for you to just go with the flow, etc.

3 - Eating out doesn't necessarily mean you're eating unhealthily. If you can break your mind of that thinking, you'll feel better. Sure, one of the meals might feel heavier and more like "junk" than the others, but eating in a restaurant can honestly be every bit as FINE as eating a home cooked meal. So try to think of it in a different light.

4 - Make a deal with him that if you are going to eat 2-3 meals out per day, YOU and only you get to pick at least one of them. Then YOU pick the place. You'll feel more in control AND you'll be able to find a place that feels safe and healthy to you if you've had a day of eating a lot. And if you keep that "deal" up for the duration of your trips, you will feel lots better.

Struggling with Growing Up

A reader asks,

"There are still things that I struggle with that I do not blog about, such as how my eating disorder is related to my fears of growing up and regression issues. I think a lot of people with EDs struggle with fears of growing up and regression- especially adolescents. I feel like a lot of people know that they struggle with this, but they're not very open about it. I would love to see you post something about eating disorders and fears of growing up. I've done my research and my therapist also tells me it is very common."


It is quite common. You're not alone. My hardest time within my own eating disorder was when I went away to college. I was turning 18 and everything seemed like a huge transition for me. I was becoming an adult, I was adapting to living on my own, I was figuring out who I was and what I wanted. I was making new kinds of friends. I was becoming more and more independent. It was very strange and made me very anxious.

I remember a time, as an older adolescent, that being dependent on my parents just seemed safer to me. It felt more natural and more comforting. I felt like growing up was completely out of my comfort zone.

And I think that's really what's at the heart of this issue: growing up feels unnatural. Why? Because you are so used to being young. You aren't used to being an adult because you've never been one yet. So how can you like it? Understand it? Be okay with it?

Some people are just better at adapting than others. I wasn't one of those people. I was anxious and I was looking for a way to make myself feel better about the whole thing. Cue eating disorder. I don't mean to say that my eating disorder stemmed completely from the fear of growing up, but that fear certainly played a part in my anxiety, in my transitional thinking, and in my eating disorder development.

I think being a kid is (normally) associated with feeling safe. So NOT being a kid often feels like the opposite.

The question then becomes, my friends, WHAT can you do to make you feel safer as you embark upon the journey of growing up? What's going to make you feel better about the whole strange thing?

A few suggestions:

1) Don't let go of childhood completely. Keep something with you/near you that represents comfort to you, whether it be a blanket, a picture, a stuffed animal, a book, a doll, etc. You'd be surprised how the memories and the feelings that go along with that object sink into your subconscious when you look at it/hold it while you're feeling anxious.

2) Talk to someone (or more than one someone!) who represents great adulthood to you. Someone you admire. Someone who is not very far from your own age. For example, if you're 18, maybe someone in their mid to late 20s would be able to make you realize that growing up can be just as good as staying a kid. Seek someone out who embodies positivity... someone who can be a role model... someone you like to be around. Let those encounters/talks/discussions be a guide into the future.

3) Remember that you're not alone. Everyone grows up sometimes. It's not necessarily a fun process, but it doesn't have to be terrible. Ask yourself why you're really afraid. What is it specifically about growing up that makes you so anxious that you want to regress?

PART TWO of "So, What's Your Story?"

Here's the next installment in my memoir videos. You can find PART ONE here. This is PART TWO:



PART THREE TO COME SHORTLY.

"So, What's YOUR Story?"

There is one question I get asked a lot. So I thought I'd answer it... slowly and in video form. I've had this blog for 3 years and I've never really given a play by play of my own history. I've touched on things here and there, mentioned details in reference to the advice I've given, and clearly explained that I recovered from anorexia, but I haven't really delved into all of it. It's not typically what I'm about. I mean, how many eating disorder memoirs are out there?

But I'm not ashamed and I'm an open book. :)

It will be in parts, because of the 10 minute time limit on videos.

Here we go...
This is my story (in a nutshell).

Memoir PART ONE

How To Eat When Hungry & Stop When Full

Thought these videos might be helpful. I responded to a YouTube viewer's question - and man, is it an important question! The video is in two parts, but Part Two is short, I promise - you have to watch them in their entirety or a lot of the importance is lost.

Oh! And good news! A new webcam is in the process of being shipped to me! This is great because you will no longer have to hear that awful lisping noise my camera gives me when I make videos. I do not really lisp or sound like a snake, I promise. It's terrible the way the camera makes me sound. I can't wait for the new webcam!

Part One: How to Eat When Hungry and Stop When Full


Part Two: How to Eat When Hungry and Stop When Full

How Will I KNOW I'm Being Mindful/Self Aware?

Here's this week's video I did for the WeRFreEDomFighters collaboration on YouTube. The topic was: "How will I KNOW I'm being mindful/self aware?"

As usual, click to view on YouTube, as embedding has been disabled.

Stop Pretending and Start Being Real

Here's my weekly Wednesday video for the ED recovery collaboration. Today I talk about learning how to stop pretending and start being real. It's a bit off the cuff, but hopefully you'll see its glimmer of merit. :)

You'll have to click to watch on YouTube...been having troubles with trolls stealing videos from people on the collab and using them on their own site claiming to BE the actual persons in the videos.

Accepting that You Have an Eating Disorder

My weekly video is up and this week I respond to the viewer question:
"How do I come to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder? I know rationally that I have a problem, but until I am completely willing to accept that I am not sure that I can even think seriously about recovery."