Question # 15: Perfectionism

I've finally resumed! The next question is from Veggie. She asks:

"What do you think about the role of the perfectionism in EDs? (Moreover, in anorexia?)
Have you got some tricks to be not overwhelmed from perfectionism? I've asked this because I'm a 'perfectionist' and I've got some problems to split the 'healthy perfectionism' - which is part of my character - from the 'anorexia perfectionism' - which plays a great part in the maintenance of my anorexia..."

GOOD question. I actually did a YouTube video called "Perfection & Imperfection" seven months ago. I'm going to put that video here, so if you don't want to read through the post, you can just watch me talk sternly at you in my smiley, perfectionism-is-crap, Arielle-ish way. But for Veggie's sake I've taken the liberty of writing out the majority of what I say in the video, since I know English isn't her first language and I understand how hard it can be to understand someone in a video when you'd prefer to just read their words at your own pace. I'm also aware that I have a fair number of other viewers who don't speak English as a first language, so I figured this way the words are below the video as well.



So many people, eating disordered or not, are just so engrossed with this topic of perfection and imperfection. And it can really become an obsession, whether it's body image related, beauty related, achievement related. You can even go as far as "grade" (referring to school) related. There are so many things to be obsessed about where flaws are concerned. And it's a really unfortunate thing that people are obsessed with this, because it takes away from living your life.

I was extremely obsessed with being perfect in a wide variety of categories. I had your typical perfectionist, anorexic mindset. That's a little stereotypical, but it is very true that eating disordered people tend to be perfectionists or at least have somewhat of an obsessive mindset.

Not only does everyone have imperfections, but everyone has problems, issues... If you feel that you're the only one, that's where you're going to run into that fear of being imperfect. You can learn to embrace your imperfections if you don't think of them as imperfections. "Imperfections" sounds like such an ugly word and sometimes just stereotypes or stigma around a word can really change our perception about it.

So how do you come to terms with not being perfect? Honestly, it can take a while. There are definitely still days when I don't like something about myself, the way I did something, or when I wonder what other people think... but I've come a long way from where I used to be and I'm so much happier because of it. Letting go of this "having to be perfect" attitude is going to really, really benefit you. But you have to stick with it, because this question--at the heart--is "how do I come to terms with not being perfect?" That's where any of my "tricks" would come in. The only way to "not be overwhelmed by perfectionism," as Veggie puts it, is to accept our imperfections and realize FULLY that no one is perfect. No one. And our imperfections don't have to be something NEGATIVE.

You have to remember that nobody's perfect, and I know that's such a typical, cliched statement, but it's so true. Nobody is perfect. Perfect does not exact. (Yep, you heard me.) And imperfections are so much more beautiful than perfection is. (Okay, now you're thinking I'm crazy... but it's true! I really believe this!) In order to come to terms with not being perfect, you have to really embrace the good qualities you have. You have to really learn to love all the good things about yourself. And once you've done that (which even THAT can take a while), then you have to start to embrace your flaws. (Sounds thrilling, doesn't it? But hear me out...)

That's not to say that you shouldn't continually be trying to make yourself a better person; I think that's something that everyone sort of strives for in their lives. I mean, they know that they're not so great at something...or they know that they could change their attitudes about something... and they want to make themselves better... and that's very good and very commendable...AS LONG AS THE GOAL, ultimately, IS NOT PERFECTION.

Perfection is not achievable, so essentially, you're setting yourself up for failure from the get-go.

You need to let go of that whole perfection thing.

Perfection is a fallacy. Next, you must learn to accept your own imperfections as normal...because they are normal. And I'll tell you why. No matter how alone you might feel about a certain flaw or imperfection that you have, you're not alone. Just think how lonely having an eating disorder is. And think how alone you felt at certain points throughout your struggle...or even how alone you still do feel. But are you alone?

I mean, I made this video for a recovery collaboration that has over 600 subscribers and even more viewers. If you're reading this, you are among hundreds of visitors to my blog. And that's just a tiny microcosm of the world. There are A LOT of people with eating disorders out there. And even though at one time or another we might feel alone because we have one, we know we're not. You have to remind yourself: YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Put the same strategy towards perfectionism. Use logic. Whatever your imperfection might be (today, tomorrow, 5 minutes from now), whether it's about a body part--being too big, too small, too this, too that--somebody else out there (and most likely, MANY, MANY other people) have that same imperfection.

And to be quite honest with you, who's to say it's an imperfection? I mean, especially if lots of people have it. And maybe, if by some major miracle, you are in fact the ONLY person who has that particular imperfection...isn't that more special? More unique? Think about it.

And I know all imperfections people worry over have nothing to do with the body. Maybe you wish you were smarter, prettier, tanner, taller, shorter...the list can go on and on. And chances are if you really sat there and thought about all the things you wanted to change about yourself, you might have a pretty long list. But again, remember: Everybody out there has SOMETHING they don't like about themselves. Everybody out there has an imperfection, or many.

You have to tell yourself to cut the crap sometimes. And just stand there in front of the mirror and say to yourself (sternly): "I'm not perfect...but I'm fine just the way I am."

From one (recovered) perfectionist--haha--to another, the role of perfectionism in eating disorders can be huge, but you can accept and grow, and soon your imperfections won't seem like a bad thing anymore.

Thank You & Stay Tuned!

I need to take a minute to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my readers for all your wonderful and appreciative comments. I have received a plethora of them in the last month (via comments and emails) and I haven't really responded. You are all so great and so, so kind.

I also want to tell you that I owe you a BUNCH of answers to questions. I just compiled the list of the rest of them (I believe I left off at # 14 a while back...). So Kia...Suzanna White...Veggie... Krystal... I didn't forget about you, dears! I am working on the responses this minute and will have them up on the blog in respective posts as soon as possible. You left me some really great questions in comments a little while back and they have been stashed away, waiting for me to get my butt in gear. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I know I am looking forward to it! For now, I will leave you with this:

What can I do this weekend to put a smile on my face?

Well, what are you waiting for? :)

Eating Disorders & Drugs/Alcohol

Here's my Wednesday Video for the ED Recovery collaboration. The topic was:
"Eating Disorders & Drugs/Alcohol--experiences, advice, beyond self-harm, links with EDs, why maybe do it, co-morbidity, etc."

This is the first topic for Wednesday in our new 4 week program. This is about addictions in general. Just click to "watch on YouTube" and you'll be taken there. :)



Next week's topic is: "Recovery Road Blocks obstacles in the road, moving past safe, letting go," so stay tuned!

Show & Tell: "Recovery Way"

Here it is, the first work of art in my Calling All Art! Show & Tell and Giveaway. This piece is by Veggie and is called "Recovery Way."

[click for a larger view]

Veggie writes:

"Some parts of this drawing/collage are in English, others are in Italian (as I am Italian), so I’m translating the Italian ones...

C’è il senso sbagliato… = There’s the wrong way… (the words above 'anorexia')

… e c’è il senso vincente! = …and there’s the winning way! (the words below recovery)

Vita = Life

Problema = Problem

I am going to 'Recovery'… the road is long and hard, but it seems a wonderful place when you get it… Who’s going to join me in this way?"

Well done, Veggie! This collage drawing, "Recovery Way" is so thought provoking. It's strong and it has a clear message. It symbolizes the crossroads we all seem to reach at some point. Will we go the old way, the wrong way? Or will we choose to go the "winning" way, or the recovery way? It is the ultimate question. This piece of intelligent and challenging art asks the question we all ask ourselves at the start of recovery. Artwork that asks a question, that causes the audience to think, is so important. Thank you, Veggie for sharing your art with us. Look for it on the sidebar of my blog for the rest of the next month, and consider yourself entered in the Giveaway. :)

If you'd like to enter the Giveaway and have your art displayed here, just click here for the instructions. I will accept artwork until the end of November. I can't wait to see all of your art!

Question # 12: Turning Away from Self-Hate AND Behaviors

Question # 12 comes from Stella. It’s one of two questions she posed, but the second one will come later, as this post is quite lengthy. She asks,

“How do you react when you feel hate for yourself and your body? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself or restricting?”

As a woman who loves her body now (or at least likes it most of the time!), trust me when I say that you can in fact learn to stop hating yourself AND your body. This is one of the main things people struggling with eating disorders (especially those who are women) think is impossible. What I hear a lot is, “It may be possible...but not for me.” Let me tell you, ladies (and men), cut that way of thinking right out of your brain. Carve it out of there and throw it away. It IS possible for you...if you LET it be possible. And if you realize that you may have to garner an extreme amount of patience in order to wait for this sort of self-hate to dissipate.

Are you with me?

The first thing you need to ask yourself is: What are the circumstances surrounding my feelings of hate for myself and/or my body?

-Did you just discover you’d been rejected in some way by a person, a program, etc?

-Were you unsuccessful in an endeavor you had hoped to master/finish/etc?

-Did you just eat (whether it was too much or too little)?

-Did you just weigh yourself and not like the number?

-Did you just attempt for a long time to choose clothing to wear and were still unsatisfied with the choice you made?

-Did you just endure a hurtful/stressful/uncomfortable time with your family or friends?

These are just a few of the circumstances that can play a part in how you are feeling about your body. They affect why you react the way you do (to yourself) and the way you look. You have to pose questions to yourself in order to analyze what you are feeling.

You know how people chart anything and everything these days? Their menstrual cycle, their meals, their ovulation, their money spent, etc? Well, chart your self-hate. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that you feel self-hate all the time, so how can you chart it? Well, look at this question above from Stella. It’s obvious that even if you generally don’t like yourself, you feel particular instances of self-hate or body hatred that make you want to restrict/binge/purge/cut/etc. It’s THESE times to which I’m referring.

You’re also probably thinking: Wow, Arielle just told me to chart my self-hate. What the hell? But think about it. If you keep a journal page or a chart specifically to record each time you feel the urge to restrict, purge, or self-harm in some way, you will begin to see the patterns. You will begin to realize what it’s all about. You learned about cause & effect in school and this is it, guys. You already KNOW the effect (your body hatred and behavior of choice)—it’s time to figure out the cause.

So mark it down. Mark down the date, the time, what you’re feeling, and what just happened in your day. You’ll begin to see a clearer picture of what’s going on. You may also begin to see that you tend to feel worse on a particular day of the week because of something, or during a particular time in your cycle, or on days you see a certain person. These are good things to discover because you will learn to be more aware, more prepared, and more ready to combat them.

You will know from the moment you wake up on a given day that it’s probably going to be a hard day for you (for whatever reason, based on your “chart”) and you can give yourself extra boosts of encouragement, have a plan already in place for what to do if you feel the urge to act on a behavior, and above all, not be caught off guard when that self-hate starts to rage inside you.

Another question you want to ask yourself is: Is jealousy/envy/comparison part of my feelings of this self-hate/body hatred?

For example,

-Did you just watch a TV show/movie/commercial that made you feel badly about yourself? That triggered you? That caused you to compare yourself to the person or people?

-Did you spend the day with a friend you envy? Does being with this friend make you feel badly about yourself?

-Do you feel “not sick enough” or “not thin enough” or “not pretty enough” based on something you saw or something someone said?

The last question you might want to ask yourself is: Does this time of year affect me more than others?

-Many people have seasonal depression or even just feel less comfortable during particular months of the year.

-Summer can be a trigger for people who constantly worry about being seen in less clothing, like tank tops or bathing suits, or because they continue to see other people in tank tops or bathing suits, which causes them to get down on themselves or wish they looked different.

-Certain months can be a trigger for people because of holidays, like an impending Thanksgiving with food and family...or the month of December because of Christmas, Hanukkah, etc...or even the New Year, because it often causes people to reflect, berate themselves, or make unhealthy resolutions.

Awareness is KEY.

So, what do you do when you feel overwhelmed instead of hurting yourself?

-You make a Plan B. You list a whole bunch of things you can do instead of the behavior when you have an urge (or make a Coping Bank, which is essentially the same idea). That way, when the urge happens, you have options at your fingertips and don’t have to rely on your overwhelmed mind.

-You find a support person. Tell somebody as soon as the urge hits you. Example: Eat your meal and then when you’re dying to go throw it up, text someone, call them, whatever. You can text to say, “I just ate and I’m having a really hard time not throwing it up.” Sometimes the act of just telling someone how hard you’re struggling in that moment helps a lot. You know someone else is rooting for you. You know someone else wants you to stay strong. When you know someone is on the other end, they’re holding you accountable. Maybe it’s something you need for now.

-You take your pain and anger out on something else, other than YOU. Punch a pillow relentlessly. Have a couple of notebooks on hand in which you can tear up whole handfuls of pages when you’re frustrated and have the urge to take it out on yourself in some way. Cry, if it helps. Scream. (Trust me, it’s a lot less silly than harming yourself.)

-Try to do something to distract you WHILE you are eating. For example, watch TV while eating dinner so you’re not looking down at a plate and only focusing on what you’re eating. If you do something really engrossing, you may find that you’ve eaten your dinner and haven’t had the urge to purge. You could also talk with someone on the phone while eating (if that doesn’t make you too uncomfortable) to take your mind off what you’re doing and allow you to eat a healthy amount without stopping and denying yourself...and keep the conversation going after you’re done so that you can’t go throw up, if that’s a behavior you’re trying to avoid. Hopefully the feeling will pass before the conversation is over. Read a book while eating. Or do some kind of hobby while you’re eating. Might take you a little longer, but it’s helpful. One bite at a time is still a meal if you do it long it enough. :)

-I’ve also found that eating very small amounts multiple times (opposed to eating one regular sized meal) can help you feel like you are not eating a lot and therefore feel less likely to want to throw up or stop before you’ve actually had enough (i.e. restrict). You could eat a very small something, then half an hour later, eat the next bit, then a half hour later eat the next bit. It’s a little bit of a pain in the ass, but if it helps curb the feeling of wanting to throw up or helps you to get more nutrients because you're not restricting, it’s worth doing for a little while. It’s less scary than eating a whole dinner-sized portion at one time if that’s something that bothers you.

-For those who purge: You can put a picture of your child or your best friend or even YOURSELF as a child (very effective) on the underside of the toilet seat, so that when you go to purge, you see it. It’ll make you stop and think a second before going through with it. Even if it doesn’t stop you entirely, it will make you pause and hopefully the longer it is there, the more likely you will be to second guess what you’re doing and stop before it happens. The key is to put up a picture of something really meaningful, something that is reason not to purge. But just putting it up on a mirror won’t do. And just looking at that person or that photo throughout the day won’t do either. You have to strategically put it where it’s going to hit you the most. Where it’s going to make you feel sad about what you’re doing to yourself. It can be motivation in the right direction.

Really good question, Stella.

Accepting that You Have an Eating Disorder

My weekly video is up and this week I respond to the viewer question:
"How do I come to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder? I know rationally that I have a problem, but until I am completely willing to accept that I am not sure that I can even think seriously about recovery."

The Future

Here's my latest video for the ED Recovery collaboration on YouTube. This week, I responded to the question:

"People talk about future goals and using those to help motivate them to recovery - what if you dont know what you want in the future?"



I will resume answering reader questions (#5 comes next) in my next post. Leave your questions for me here. :)

Setting Goals & Making Plans

Just a brief lapse in my answering of your reader questions to post my weekly video for the ED recovery collaboration on YouTube. This is the last week in our special Confidence, Self-Esteem Building, & Assertiveness Program, but don't worry, there will continue to be weekly videos--we're just going back to the regular "response to viewer questions" format. :)



I'm working on answering Question #4 of the reader questions, so if you have any more for me, let me know and I'll get to them!

Q & A

So, I realize I've been bombarding you with video after video lately. My blog used to be primarily words, words, words, with a link or two thrown in... and then, since March of '09, I've begun pushing my YouTube videos into the posts... as they say what I want to say... audibly.

Much of the time I figure, why type out what I've already said (hopefully) so well?

I do a weekly video for a popular recovery collaboration on YouTube, but I do think there is much value in the written word. Sometimes it speaks to us on a deeper level. Sometimes we like to print out certain things as a reminder. Sometimes we need to see the words on a page to really get them.

I get a ton of questions on my YouTube videos, but I get my best thoughts out on paper (or let's face it, by tapping the keyboard and watching my words appear on a computer screen). So... I'm inviting you to ask me...whatever you'd like.

I get emails on a regular basis, but what I'm proposing is that you drop me a line here, in my comments section (of this post)... and I'll answer every single one, going down the line.

You can post the comment under anonymous or you can use your username or real name. It doesn't matter to me... I just want to give you what you are really looking for when you hop on this site, hoping for some advice, understanding, and inspiration.

You can ask me general questions, specific questions, even personal questions. They can be directly related to eating disorders or they can not be. I'll answer each one to the best of my ability.

Hope you're all doing well... ask away!

ASSERTIVENESS

This week's video for the recovery collaboration is about Assertiveness. This Wednesday I respond to the question:

"What do I do to be assertive?"

Lack of Confidence - Why?

All right, so...as many of you are aware, in addition to my own channel, I am part of an ED recovery collaboration on YouTube. My day is Wednesday, which means I make a weekly video that's posted every Wednesday. We have 500 subscribers and counting. :) It is something I'm very passionate about and that is where many of the videos I post here come from. We get a lot of viewer questions and seek to answer them as best we can.

We've just implemented a new 28 day program. The topic of the program is CONFIDENCE, SELF-ESTEEM, and ASSERTIVENESS. Everyone (14 of us) in the collab sticks with their day (2 of us per day), but we are set to answer a specific question regarding this topic each time. Check it out at if you're interested. So I'm still doing my weekly Wednesday video, but the format's a bit different.

This week, I responded to the question:
"How do I and others knock my confidence and why do I spend time with people who do that to me?"

Video to follow below. In keeping with the CONFIDENCE, SELF-ESTEEM, and ASSERTIVENESS program, next week I'm set to respond to "What do I do to be assertive?" so stay tuned!

Healthy Ways to Cope

Here's my latest video for the ED recovery collaboration on YouTube. I thought it might be helpful. This is my response to a viewer question/comment:

"A topic for the channel could be about appropriate and healthy ways to deal with changes in your life. The changes in my life are pushing me to destructive behaviors, eg. starving and cutting, I suppose that's my control."

A Response: Finding Love For Yourself...

A few days ago, I received a comment on my latest post from Z. She wrote:

“You really make recovering sound like it's worth consideration at the very least. I know that recovery comes gradually, but how can you decide to recover when you have no love for yourself, let alone the love needed to save yourself? Do you siphon the courage from other people? Is it possible to hate yourself more than you do when you're making yourself beautiful i.e. disordered? You've really given me a lot to think about when it comes to my own issues. I think you are beyond brave to speak out against such a silent horror. I hope one day we can all just look at this as a disease and not something we are meant to be so ashamed of. Maybe then more of us would be willing to get help.”

Z-
Believe me, you don’t know how much I hope that one day this disease will not be something shameful. I too hope that more and more people out there struggling will become more willing to seek help. Breaking the silence is certainly a step in the right direction. We all have voices and we can all use them if we decide to do so. It’s not easy, but it gets easier with every word.

Let me first say this: Recovery IS worth considering. Sometimes the decision to move forward is like a switch. Sometimes it’s a slow process of realization. Sometimes it’s an “aha” moment. Sometimes you find it has happened before you even were aware of it. So, the question at hand—how do you decide to recover when you have no love for yourself? Well, you start by trying what you can to love yourself. Forget recovery for a second and focus on you.

You may recall a post of mine from a couple months ago called A Daily Reminder. You have to surround yourself with positive reinforcement. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it. You hear what I’m saying? It doesn’t matter. Do it anyway. Surround yourself with everything you can. Fake it ‘til you make it. Pretend you believe it. Hopefully one day you will.

It’s gonna make you feel silly. I realize this. But it’s almost…necessary. I mean, I get an alarm message on my cell phone every single morning at 9 AM that says, “I like myself.” It’s my phone telling me to like myself. It’s me telling me I like myself. And I don’t even hate myself, girl. And I still do it. I still make myself receive that message.

Do something like that. Put a sign on your mirror so every morning when you look in it you see something positive. Something that is telling you that you like yourself. That you love yourself. That you are good. It may be false. You may not like yourself or love yourself, but it sinks in. Allow it to happen.

Let me lay it out differently. If you hear the message, “You’re fat” or “You’re stupid” every day for your whole life, you’re going to start to believe that, right? Well, if you hear the message “I like myself” or “You’re good” every day for your whole life, you’re going to start to believe that too.

Cool, huh? Do a role reversal. If you smile because you find the message silly for a while, it’s still serving a purpose.

And yes, you CAN siphon courage from others, but ultimately, that courage must fuel your own courage. You can rely on it in bits and pieces…or for short periods of time…but you need to use it as an example of what you want to give yourself, not a replacement. Know what I mean?

By all means, surround yourself with people who fill you up and help you. Support is vital. Let it buoy you up and hold you above the water so that you can finally start to work on your issues and rise above what is bringing you down. In time, you’ll find that you are doing a lot of it on your own, and you don’t need them to do it for you.

A helping hand is never something to push away. Just remember that the goal is to be helped into helping yourself.

In response to your other question, it is always possible to hate yourself more. But it is always possible to love yourself more too. Don’t choose the wrong end of the spectrum. A choice is easy. It’s the following through that’s difficult, but you have to believe it can happen. You can’t give up on yourself—even if you don’t like yourself.

I hope I’ve given you more to think about. I know I put it all out there as if it’s simple, but it’s not and I will never pretend it is. Please feel free to respond again…and remember—the simplest things (like what I’ve been describing) are sometimes the best things we can do for ourselves. So don’t make excuses… today is the perfect day to begin.

Much love,

Arielle