Using Peace to Make a Better Future

Peace is a directive...a goal...

Who Are You and What Do You Want?

That's right. You heard me. Check out this short 4 and a half minute video for some important questions to lead you in the right direction and give you that little boost.

Day #22: Keep YOU, Kick ED!

I'm lucky enough to be able to say that my identity without my eating disorder is a strong one. I've left my eating disorder behind. My blog is not about my journey through recovery, because I'm already free. It's about helping others by sharing what I've learned and spreading positivity and hope.

So today, I'm tweaking my response to the blogger prompt of:

Did you ever feel you couldn’t tell where you ended and your ED started? Many people find it difficult to fathom their identity separate from their eating disorder. Who are you? What makes you – you? How do you tell the difference between the eating disorder and you? Why is it important to find you identity and recognise it as being separate from your eating disorder?

and instead I'm going to share with you how YOU can be more than your eating disorder - because you're fabulous! And because I already know what makes me ME! (And you do too, if you've read my blogs these past 5 years.)

I think wondering how to fill the gap your eating disorder previously filled is very common. But remember—only you can answer the question of what to do next.

And there is so much waiting for you. There are a thousand possibilities at your fingertips, from the simple every day things to the more complex life goals. You just have to ask yourself one question.

What do you want to do?

It’s an open question with many possible answers…and that’s the beauty of it.

What's in your head and your heart? What are your passions? What makes you feel good?

Do you want to make new friends? Do you want to go back to school? Do you want to get out in the job world? Do you want to pursue a dream you’ve often had in the back of your mind? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to travel?

Now comes the obvious thought: we can’t always do what we want to do. Finances get in the way. Time can be an issue. A lot of things can prevent us from doing what we want to do. BUT—and this is a big but—you never let things be an issue when finding a way to fit your eating disorder into your daily life, did you?

Granted, money doesn’t grow on trees and lots of things that are very important take up our time. Understandable. Valid. But if you really want something, you can achieve it. And don’t let anything stop you.

Most importantly, think about what would make you happy. Come up with three things.

Then find a way to incorporate them into your life. Fill that gap. There’s no charge for that kind of fill-up.

Best of luck! - and to help inspire you, I made you a vision board! Yes, I did! I made YOU a vision board! Check it out:

Goals!

This week's video is all about goals. I give examples, explain what's manageable, achievable, and the issues with time limits. Check it out - it's the perfect time of year.

The Future

Here's my latest video for the ED Recovery collaboration on YouTube. This week, I responded to the question:

"People talk about future goals and using those to help motivate them to recovery - what if you dont know what you want in the future?"



I will resume answering reader questions (#5 comes next) in my next post. Leave your questions for me here. :)

Setting Goals & Making Plans

Just a brief lapse in my answering of your reader questions to post my weekly video for the ED recovery collaboration on YouTube. This is the last week in our special Confidence, Self-Esteem Building, & Assertiveness Program, but don't worry, there will continue to be weekly videos--we're just going back to the regular "response to viewer questions" format. :)



I'm working on answering Question #4 of the reader questions, so if you have any more for me, let me know and I'll get to them!

Gaining Weight *and* Perspective

When attempting to recover physically, it's important to try to forget about numbers and just eat when hungry, consume a healthy amount, exercise if you want to but don't overdo it, and never compare yourself to someone else or your recovery process to someone else’s.

I didn't have a "goal weight" I wanted to reach to be healthy again. Why focus on a number again when that’s all I’d been doing in the past? I chose instead to focus on feeling—feeling good and strong, that is. I just got to the point where I gained and gained and then as my healthy lifestyle became normal for me, I maintained and continue to maintain.

You reach a point where your body is comfortable. And everyone's bodies are different. Don't try to compare...just try to be healthy...and let your body fill out as it wants and needs to.

There are all different body frames, lifestyles (athletic, active, sedentary, etc.), and different genetic factors as well. One person’s recovery weight will not be the same as another’s. Even someone who is the same height as you are. Focus on you, not someone else or what someone else says.

I was always very thin...so I can't say I got BACK to a normal weight. I just finally got to a weight that was right for me and it happens to be the most I've ever weighed. But I was growing before...I was a child and an adolescent...and when I was no longer a child, I was seriously ill and MUCH too thin...so you can't use previous weights as a gauge. You have to live in the moment. Live in the now.

I’ve found a maintainable weight for me. I eat 3 meals, plus snacks, and never restrict. I run, but only 1 mile and only a couple times a week—if I even have the time. That said, I'm only in my twenties and if as years go by I gain a few more pounds, I won't be upset. I can gain some and still feel okay and be healthy.

Recovery can only be about you. If you don’t like yourself, you’ll never like the way you look—no matter what your weight. As you gain weight in an effort to recover, try also to gain perspective. Without it, weight—low or high—won’t matter.

A Fresh Start

2008 is a new beginning. It's a brand new year that's clean and blank and just waiting for you to do something new with it. So make a conscious effort to do something different from the usual things that haven't brought you happiness in the past. It's worth a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. That sentence in itself may be psychologically triggering or scary. Forget about words and concepts for a moment. Just think about yourself. There is so much more to you than words and numbers and concepts.

What do you want 2008 to be about? Don't make a list for yourself of everything you want to accomplish or hope to gain. Then if you aren't able to check things off your list you will feel you've failed or that your year is somehow incomplete or has not lived up to its full potential. Just choose one thing...one thing you want to do or attain or become or understand or feel or realize or complete. Just one. Make it a good one. And make 2008 about that thing. Don't make the mistake of becoming too focused on that one thing. 2008 has a lot to offer you and everyone; it shouldn't be about obsessing over one particular thing. But keep a goal in the back of your mind and work toward it when you can.

And one more thing...
This year, try to learn from yourself.

That's it. Don't try to analyze yourself. Don't try to emulate others. Don't try to find the answers to everything you have a questions about. Simply learn...from yourself. There's a lot to learn. The first step to learning is listening. Listen to yourself. Even if you can't make sense of yourself, listen. Learn.

Because it's true...everything starts with you.

The Holidays are Upon Us

To all:

The holiday season can be a tough season. It's often full of family, food, and obsessive behavior. I'm writing this to let you know I understand. The holidays can make you squirm and wake up full of dread each morning. But you know what?

They're not supposed to. That's not what the holidays are all about.

They're about a thousand things and none of those things should be negative or unhealthy or depressing. The question is: how do you get yourself into the right mindset?

You have to psych yourself up for it. You have to be positive and remain positive despite all the negativity you might feel closing in on you. You have to worry about YOU and not about others. I know it's hard--many times those "others" are your family or your close friends and you feel conflicted or manipulated or overwhelmed. Those feelings are okay and completely natural. All feelings are--because they're what you FEEL and they are honest. But you've got to do what's best for yourself and sometimes that means thinking only of yourself at a given point in time.

I know it might sound strange--me telling you to think of yourself during the holidays, when everything else out there promotes goodwill toward the less fortunate and giving to others besides yourself--but you have to consider that if you are first good to yourself, you will much more easily be able to be good to others. You have to start with yourself and go from there. It sounds so simple and so difficult at the same time, doesn't it?

I once had an aunt comment on what I was eating at a family holiday dinner. I had put some things on my plate and had handed it to her so she could add something to it that was nearest to her. "That's not YOUR plate, is it?" she'd said.

I just looked at her.

"I mean, you don't eat all that, do you?" she asked.

It didn't matter why she said it or what she meant by it. It was too late; the damage had been done. She'd gotten the message from my silence that I was shocked she'd say such a thing to me (for at the time, I was very very thin), but when my plate was handed back to me I didn't feel like eating. I'm sure she had no idea what she'd done to me with that short conversation. But there was a lot wrong with that conversation.

For one, she'd drawn attention to my eating. Second, she'd commented on the amount. Third, she was clearly surprised which made me question myself and what I was ready to eat.

In short, that small incident completely ruined my day. And if I'd had the right mindset at the time, it wouldn't have. Now, I know there are situations you will all deal with over the holidays that will be worse than that...or even less severe than that...that will irk you, upset you, and make you miserable. This was just an example. The point is: don't let it upset you.

As usual, it's easier said than done. But all you have to do is TRY. Just try. When something upsetting happens, or you see or hear or feel something that triggers you to do whatever self-destructive or eating disordered behavior you typically fall back on, DON'T DO IT. Don't let it get the better of you. Don't give in to pain and sadness and frustration. Use your anger or your emotions to build yourself up. Do what's healthy and what is good for you. Be good to yourself. Think of yourself. Don't think of someone else's comments or the way someone else looks. Don't think of all the food and how you shouldn't eat it. Don't think of the obsessive behaviors that may have become natural to you. Think of you and the child you once were that is still a part of you. And give her/him what she/he wants. You are allowed to indulge. You are allowed to nurture. You are allowed to FEEL GOOD. You are allowed to BE HAPPY.

Really.

Write a note to yourself. A short one, a long one, a sentence, a few words, or whatever you want. But write a note to yourself that is positive, that quickly reiterates that you can get through things. Maybe it will say: YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR! Or maybe it will simply say: IT'S OKAY. But whatever it is, write it. To yourself. On an actual piece of paper. And keep it. And put it in your coat pocket, or your purse, or your wallet, or something you almost always have with you. And when you're dealing with some holiday stress or you're feeling overwhelmed, take it out briefly and look at it. Reassure yourself. You will thank yourself later. Maybe later that day. Maybe later that month. Maybe later that year. Or maybe even years from now. But you will thank yourself.

Do you really want to have miserable holiday season? Or one filled with grief, obsessing, nervousness, anxiety, pain, etc? Of course you don't. And you don't deserve to. You deserve all the good things the holidays can bring. I know you can't get rid of all those bad feelings and behaviors in one day--or in one holiday season. But you can START.

Start now. Start with THIS holiday.

Best of luck to you all. You can do it!

Arielle