Day #25: Recovery Toolbox

Lucky for you, I did a splendid little video back in November of 2011 called... you guessed it! RECOVERY TOOLBOX! :)

Enjoy.

"Recovery Toolbox"



And this is the video I mention in the above video, and is entitled "What to Do While Waiting for Services." I discuss a Coping Bank and other positive reinforcements!

Day #3: Create a Mascot...

Oh my, it's just simply so serendipitous that this prompt should pop up in the Blogger Challenge. I'm cackling to myself and beyond delighted to share with you something that came about randomly just a few days ago: Arielle's Recovery Cats.

Many of you follow me on Twitter @arielleleebair and while the account is primarily for eating disorder recovery oriented tweets, I do often tweet about my life. And when I say "life," I sometimes mean "cats."

So, I tweeted a few days back that the 2 things I tweet about the most are eating disorders and cats. I mused via Twitter how cool it would be if the two could be combined somehow. And just like that, Arielle's Recovery Cats was born.

I decided on a whim that I would post a new "Recovery Cat" each day on Twitter. A Recovery Cat is a cat (created by me) accompanied by a positive saying that's related to e/d recovery. It's like positive affirmations + a cat. I like to keep things light-hearted, simple, and of course positive.

Here are the first few Recovery Cats. I'm in the process of creating a Print Shop (which will have its own separate tab on my site) so a variety of Recovery Cats can be purchased in print, magnet, and postcard form. And maybe a few other tidbits too. So stay tuned.

 

But regardless of whether or not a Print Shop exists, you can definitely say that Arielle's Recovery Cats are the new official mascot of Actively Arielle: A Voice with a Commitment. These cats want to push your eating disorder away so they can cuddle you. :-)

So watch out, people! Arielle's Recovery Cats are coming for you! And they take eating disorder recovery very seriously!

What do YOU think about Arielle's Recovery Cats?

Appreciating What You DO Have Instead of Trying to Change What You've Got!

Here's my weekly video for the FreEDomFighters collaboration on YouTube. This week's topic is: Appreciating what you DO have instead of trying to change what you've got!

As always, just click to view on YouTube, as embedding is disabled.

Happy Thanksgiving!...Don't Stress!

For me and all of my American readers, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. As I said in a post from two years ago, it's a holiday that strikes fear in the hearts of many eating disordered individuals. Still, I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. I know it's a holiday that revolves around food and family, and for some, that can mean some serious triggering/anxiety/sadness, but maybe this post from 2007 can be helpful.

Along those lines, here is my Wednesday video for the week...two videos actually. Part 1 and Part 2. The topic was: Pressures & Triggers

As usual, just "click to view on YouTube."

PART ONE


PART TWO

Question # 4: Beyond Negativity...

“How can you find positivity and strength to fight against anorexia, when all around - and, moreover inside - you spread negativity?”

Start inside and work your way out. It’s no easy task, but if you work on what’s inside of you first, the rest will follow. Positivity and strength aren’t things you find, they are things you realize, things you tap into, things that you must force yourself to remember time and time again.

The strength is there. If you think it isn’t, you won’t find it. If you tell yourself you don’t have what it takes to be positive and strong, you won’t be.

Try simple things to add some positivity and strength to your life.

-Create a special playlist with strong, recovery oriented songs that have a positive message—a message that makes you want to keep fighting.

-Keep a journal REGULARLY and get out most of your negativity there. That way, you won’t be berating yourself as constantly because you’ll have an outlet. The plus: you won’t be spreading negativity all around either—it’ll be kept in one place, between two covers of a book.

-Use Post-Its. They’re quite an invention. Force yourself to write positive phrases and stick them where you’ll see them. Your mirror, for one. Your computer. Your desk. Your refrigerator. Right smack dab on the calendar page of your planner. Even on the underside of the toilet seat if it’ll help you.

-Pummel a positive message into your head, especially one that’s difficult for you to swallow. For example, my daily cell phone idea.

I realize that these things won’t keep you positive and strong 100% of the time. But they’re a start. And don’t underestimate the power of asking for help when you need it. It takes so much strength. So if you’re looking to be strong, do that. It’s a test. And it can’t hurt.

One big thing: Instead of getting angry at yourself and calling YOURSELF “stupid” and other choice names, get angry at it. In your case, as the question above states, anorexia. (Insert "bulimia, ednos, orthorexia, binge eating, etc.) You have the power to turn things around. You do. But getting angry at yourself is only going to spread more negativity. Channel your anger in the right direction—at the source of your pain. Not at another person or at circumstances in your life. Not at yourself. AT IT. At this disease.

It might make you feel more empowered... STRONG, if you will. :) Use it.

*All links direct to more elaboration on my answer to the question. :)

Okay...Questions #1 & 2

I promised to answer any and all questions, so I'm starting off with two questions I got from Miss Keira. I'll stay true to my word, so if you want to add any to my mix, ask me in a comment here. I'm working my way down the list!

"Did you have a moment where you went from "recovering" to "recovered"? or was it fluid and went by without noticing? I ask because I'm at a stage where it doesn't feel like I'm 'actively' recovering... it just feels like life."

I don't know that I can pinpoint any one moment, but I do remember several times when I would stop what I was doing and realize Wow, the eating disorder hasn't been a part of my life or my thoughts for a while. It's one thing to erase all behaviors and idiosyncrasies from your life, but it's another thing entirely to realize the an eating disorder is no longer part of your thought process.

For me, on a daily basis, I don't think about having an eating disorder. It seems like a piece of my past. The only time of think about eating disorders is when I post on the blog, make my recovery videos for people, lead my ANAD support group, or post responses to people on the recovery forums on which I'm a moderator. My own understanding of the matter helps me to help people, but it doesn't cause me to think of eating disorders once I'm removed from those arenas.

Each day, I wake up and eat normally. I don't think about what I put into my mouth. That is a big indicator for me. If someone asked me what I ate yesterday, I wouldn't always know. I'd have to think about it. That is telling; in past years I would know everything I'd eaten in the last week and could name it all in 25 seconds. When I tell the women in my group that I drink "regular Coke" they shake their heads in disbelief. When I talk about cream cheese on bagels, they almost gasp. To me, it is nothing. Not anymore. But because it used to be so severely SOMETHING to me, I know how far I have come. It is part of the reason I consider myself "recovered."

The other part is that I don't feel I could help people in the same way I do if I wasn't "recovered." If there was always that little seed still inside me waiting to grow, I don't think I could say the things I say with such certainty. I don't think I could explain myself in the same way and I don't think that I could push suggestions that I know work.

As you say, Miss Keira :), when you feel you are not "actively recovering" but just living life, that is a definite piece of what I'm talking about when I refer to being "recovered." When life is life and all things eating disordered cease to exist. I used to be healthy and well, but still on occasion had to catch myself from following through with an eating disordered thought. I'd have to use positive reinforcement regularly to keep me going in the right direction. It could have been a year since I'd done anything remotely eating disordered, but the thoughts were still there from time to time. I was still recoverING.

Now, it's different. The thoughts don't plague me. My life is...freer. I'm content. I don't have the anxiety that used to follow many of my moves and moods. I'm a healthy weight and have been.

When I started up my support group, I did it not as soon as I knew I was healthy and well, but when I had BEEN healthy and well (mentally, emotionally, and physically) for a decent amount of time. Sure, I could have led my group after a year of being healthy and happy and well, but I wouldn't have felt removed enough from the issue. I wanted to be as sure as I could be that I wouldn't relapse, wouldn't be triggered by things or people, would be able to help with ALL of my being. I started the group about 2 years after being what I loosely call "recovered." I knew I was living life, I knew I was able and capable, I knew it wasn't half wish and half truth that I would always be okay. I knew it was a sure thing (as sure as any confident person can be, that is).

Though I had been recovering for years, I'd still had slip-ups, thoughts thoughts and more thoughts, and was not totally and completely well in all ways. I sit here now "recovered" for what I would say is just over 3 years. By that I mean, a healthy state of well and capable and free of my eating disorder for 3 years. Before that, even though I was committed to recovery, I would have called myself "recovering." I hope that I've made sense. :)

One thing, though--please don't for a second, readers, think that I am perfect or without fault. Please don't think that I don't have bad days and good days like every other human being. And please don't think that there aren't days when I look in the mirror and frown for a moment before I smile. I've only been on this earth for 25 years and I'm a work in progress like anyone else. But I'm free... and you can be too. Trust me on this one. If you knew me 7 years at age 18, you'd think there was no way I'd be the woman I am today. You would have seen a scrawny girl with lack of confidence, lack of hope, and sad eyes. You'd see someone with problems wrapped around her sickly form. You'd see silence, pain, and fear. Today, I'm different. So I know it's possible to achieve freedom. If I didn't know it, I wouldn't have this blog. Wouldn't run a group. Wouldn't make weekly videos with such conviction.

And question # 2:

"What does your job involve?"

I'm a Caseworker for a non-profit agency in my county/state. I help low-income families apply and receive subsidized child care funding so they can work. Day care is expensive! I also give referrals and help out in a variety of ways in the realm of child care services. It's a helper job if there ever was one, but it doesn't pay much at all, being non-profit. Lucky for me, I like the people I work with and I'm also a writer...so I'm hoping that will get me somewhere eventually. ...When I can hopefully devote more time to it! :)

For those of you who think I'm a wonder woman fighting EDs all day, every day or for those of you who just want to know the simple me--daily life, funny stories, husband tales, baby longings, writing adventures, and all--there was a blog BEFORE this one... my regular blog One Page at a Time. It's my personal blog (has been for the last few years) and you're more than welcome to see what I'm all about, ED world aside. I know I can seem a bit "unreal" from time to time, so maybe a few glimpses into my life will show you how real I truly am!

A Daily Reminder

I've programed my cell phone to alarm (silently) every morning at 9:00 AM in order to display a reminder message.

The daily reminder?

"I like myself."

Yes. That's what my phone tells me to remember.

Sometimes we all need reminding. I hear you--you're saying, "But I don't like myself." Well, if you don't like yourself yet, just wait. A few weeks of seeing that daily message and it might start to sink in.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well, it's that time of year again that just may strike fear or panic into your heart: Thanksgiving.

It's a day where the focus is typically on food and family. Enough said.

But try to see today as positive, not negative. Remember that Thanksgiving can be a day to reflect on what you are thankful for, and it can be a day to nourish yourself.

Whether you're afraid of eating too little or too much, of being noticed or monitored, or of being just plain uncomfortable in such a setting...remember to breathe.

Take a moment today before you sit down to the meal or before you head off to spend time with family or friends...and just breathe. Tell yourself you are strong and today is just another day. Then eat to nourish yourself. Not to be gluttonous or disordered, but simply to nourish. Don't restrict yourself. If you're afraid of getting out of control in the other sense, don't gorge. Just eat. And try to relax. And remember this: you are not alone.

There are many people out there today feeling what you are feeling. Many people panicking or afraid. Think of everyone who is struggling as you are and dig right in.

Today is what you make it.

I know Thanksgiving can be scary. But if you start with a positive outlook, you can make it through and try to enjoy yourself this year. I know it's easier said than done. Encourage yourself to take care of yourself. Just set a goal for yourself that is reasonable and not over-the-top for where you are at in your life. Simply say: I will make the best of this day.

Perhaps you can keep something positive in your pocket (like a quote, saying, or some good reinforcement from wherever you choose) and look at it when you're feeling the urge to restrict, binge, purge, or just get upset. Eat what you want because it's Thanksgiving and it's about feeling good--not bad. When you feel yourself faltering, look at your positive item, whatever it may be. Don't forget you want to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to enjoy what is before you.

I will think of all of you, send you some good vibes, and love myself and my Thanksgiving day.
Here's to a Happy Thanksgiving!

Arielle

Taking a Step

Each day, I wonder how I got to where I am now. And then I remember: I fought my way here with words and realizations and a dream of happiness. I used my writing to express what was going on inside my body. Inside my head. Inside my heart. I set reasonable goals that--even though they didn't seem reasonable at the time--acted as beacons of light in a vast darkness.

Every struggle I dealt with made me stronger. It sounds cliche, but it's true. And with every new thread of strength I gained, I had a better foundation on which to build my health, my happiness, and MY LIFE.

It takes really opening your eyes. Really seeing. Understanding the feelings within. Being honest with who you are and who you want to be.

You might say, "Well, I really want to be thin, or thinner, or prettier, or more fit, etc. But you only say that because you think it will make you happy. It won't.

And besides, that's just focusing on your body, not your soul. Your soul...your mind...your SELF is the essence of you. Maybe you can achieve a goal of being thin or whatever it is you desire to be, but you may lose your self in the process. Or you may never find it.

Do you really want to live your life in an empty shell? Even if that shell happens to be pretty, or thin, or fit, etc.?

Reach into yourself...and pull your self out...

And I promise, you'll look BEAUTIFUL.

Tell Your Tale Tuesday (# 4)

Happy Tuesday, everyone! And thanks, Rachael, for sending me this wonderful essay/rant/empowering declaration! If anyone's interested, you can find more of Rachael's awesome words here: Twisted Barbie Weighs In

And you can always find a link to her blog on the side panel of my site. And without further ado...

By Rachael Stern aka Twisted Barbie

The weight industry is an incredible enterprise isn't it? They're trying to sell us self worth and were so hungry from starving so long we eat it all up. Entrapment in an all encompassing paradigm, where an intellectual double standard is the normative fare, is what womanhood has turned in to. Entrapment in a society that wants to feed and stuff us with the image of starvation as satiety.

What are we to fill up on when double standard is the coach fare of our culture? Certainly not food for that would make us un-hungered for. A cultural analysis of our bodies is hardly necessary when our physical contextually is the primary factor in determining our personal worth, and yet somehow in the attempt to empower our hips and thighs, those of us who are still tormented by the jiggle that our very humanity might conjure are digested as traitors, unconsciously working against the slowly ticking clock, setting it into a counterproductive, counterclockwise spiral.

A convenient way to view this problematic social structure would be through Flocculation tinted lenses. Are we not creating our own neo victorian standards? Do we best feed our movement by continuing to feed it with propaganda, rejecting those who are imprinted by the very mold our non allied communities are trying to cookie cut us out with? Let the sustenance of our community feed those un sustained by themselves. After all, in the end, who would you rather sit down for dinner with? Driving home from a Rally seemed like an everyday act for me, but passing out at the wheel wasn't what I envisioned as empowered. I have always and will always label myself a feminist. It is at the core of my identity, wholly and truly. How is it then, that I ended up being so effected by society that I would sacrifice myself?

I set off on a journey that went against every value I hold. I transformed myself for others into something socially and culturally appropriate. I disabled my own beliefs, my own activism, my own power.

Not anymore.

I hereby agree to revel in my humanity and do the very things necessary to support its livelihood. I agree to love with my whole heart unapologetically. I agree to stand at the edge of the cliff and not only to sit amidst, but dance in the fire surrounded by friends. I agree to have no apologies. I agree to embody my own beliefs that I hold so steadfast for others and never sacrifice myself to fit what another might consider good or better or appropriate. I agree to speak my mind when my voice shakes, to cry when I'm hurt, to scream when I'm angry, to sing when speaking cannot express my joy, and to dance when words fail my truest expression.

I have worked myself into an oblivion attempting to prove my right to inhabit this world, when my mere existence should have sufficed. I have always been enough just as I am. I agree from this day forth to feel entitled to my life, my voice, my body and my food. I agree to exist as counter culture within the diet ravaged society that I am forced to contextual myself in. I agree to grapple with the tough questions. How is that I have reconciled an eating disorder with a strong feminist selfhood?

Why is it that the standard I hold for others falls away when I stand in front of the mirror? I agree to keep questioning what the difference is between personal and political activism. What does it mean to effect change from within, and is this in opposition to without? Is personal liberation as important as political liberation? I have come to believe it is.

I agree to work for radical change within something that will be the most prevalent in my life beyond laws and beyond labels. I can return to the very beginning and work from the source. I can be me. I promise to be me.

How is it that when the very gears of the political machine are falling apart, we fail to notice? How is it that activists everywhere have alcohol problems, drug problems, self injury problems, food problems and it is accepted? How are we okay with this? Why is it okay to kill yourself to feed the movement? What are we really fighting for if not our own lives?

Perhaps as activists, we need to start with ourselves. We need to go back to the drawing room and retrace our steps. What are our goals? What do we really want, and why? Can we structure a movement that supports healthy individuals? These are questions that take us back to the consciousness raising group. We have grown too far from the personal. We are people, we are human and no amount of protest, no amount of social movement, no amount of anything can change that. H0w can I tell bush he isn't fit to run the country, much less anything when I cant feed myself? and what right do i have, pretending to be someone that younger people can look up to when I'm sacrificing myself? Perhaps we need to take a step back and acknowledge that by engaging in these self defeating acts we are not only stopping our own gears, but we are allying with the other side, forgetting what the focus is, turning inward and contributing to our own ineffectiveness and erasure.

How is it that we have ended up in a society where the very act of consuming food, sustenance is a political act? If I buy a diet pepsi, it supposedly isn't political, even-though I am supporting bullfighting. If I buy a bag of chips, it breaks an unwritten social code. People form opinions about me. I form opinions about myself and all of a sudden i'm not thinking about how my gay best friends can't get married, or why I care about the current paradigm. Eating without judgment becomes a political act, a stance I am taking. It is noticed and I am choosing to be a part of this world without letting others judgment keep my presence at bay. I refuse to take it
on. I want chips damn it and I am no less of a woman because of it. This is feminism. I am here and I'm not leaving. I want to change the world, I want to dance naked and have sex with the lights on.

The personal is political, and the political is personal.

The time has come to put our food where our mouths are.

Who is with me?

***
Awesome, is it not? Rachael, so glad you sent me this. I love the concepts, the words, and the meaning. But most of all I love the spirit and the strength! I'm also kind of partial to the fierce feminist voice speaking out against what's wrong with this society. I know a lot of us are "with you." I know a lot of us appreciate the strong voice of this essay. Thanks again for sharing it. I am with you!

Arielle

Mirror, Mirror...

Good morning, all! I hope this finds you well and ready to start a new week.

This is more of a helpful idea or tip than anything, but I find it extremely comforting and positive.

Try putting one (or more) positive or self-affirming quotes or sayings on your bathroom mirror. I know that for me, looking in the mirror used to bring on all kinds of negative words. When you look in the mirror, you inevitably think certain things about yourself. Having positive things up there on your mirror seriously helps. You see them and they remind you of your better self. I absolutely love it. When you do this, you seem positive sayings every day, multiple times a day. They get in your head. You begin to feel differently when you look in the mirror.

Try it!

These are the quotes/sayings that are on MY bathroom mirror. They've been there ever since I moved into my house. It's amazing what a little constant positive reinforcement can do!

"Beauty is not a state of body. It's a state of mind." This is one of my favorite sayings, so it needed to be on my mirror where I see it--and MYSELF--every day.

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin. One more reason to be a fan of J.J. This is such a smart quote. It really spoke to me when I first read it. Now it's there every day, speaking to me on my mirror, letting me know I should love myself.

Don't forget, you only have until this evening to email me whatever you'd like to share for Tell Your Tale Tuesday. My email is only a click away! (arielle.becker@gmail.com)

Arielle

Inward Battle

I wrote this--Inward Battle--4 years ago. The simple rhythmic beat of this poem made me feel as if I was beating the questions of it into my own head...looking for a way out...hoping for a way out. It took me years to find my way out. I can't say this poem has a recovery feel to it, but it is comprised of an honest understanding of what I was going through...and what many of you are going through.

Softly falling like the rain--

No one hears or sees my pain…

Will I gain, oh will I gain

As I’m losing?

*

Echoes in this hollow cave

Don’t allow me to be brave…

I’m a slave, oh I’m a slave

As I’m falling

*

In this contest with my mind

I often seek and do not find…

Could it be that I am blind

As I’m losing?

*

What a sad and lonely tale--

Never ever can I fail…

But it is all to no avail

As I’m falling

*

I tell myself I will not cry,

Ask and ask why, why, why…

So many must be stronger than I

As I’m losing

*

Strange for those who do not know--

I try hard not to let it show…

But sometimes days, they are slow

As I’m falling

*

Must be pretty, must be smart--

Must look like a work of art…

You cannot stop once you start

As I’m losing

*

I am empty like a bowl;

It is hard to feel whole…

And it is all about control

As I’m falling

*

I know that bowl must be filled--

And eaten, yes, never spilled…

I must try; I must build

As I’m losing

*

Tell me how I got this way--

Counting, nervous every day…

I don’t know, but I can pray

As I’m falling

*

(c) Arielle Lee Becker 2003

I'm happy to say my praying and hoping was NOT to no avail. I hit a low low before I came to realize a lot of things about myself and my problems. The reason I'm posting this poem is so that you know you are not alone. It hurts...and makes you feel crazy...and makes you want to scream...and makes you sick...and makes you cry...but eventually, given healing and time and the right amount of self-love and honesty and strength, there is a way out.

Because...

The girl who once wrote this poem was in a deep dark hole...and no one could throw her a ladder or a rope, because she was too weak to climb. And no one could give her their hand, because they weren't strong enough...and because she really wasn't ready to get out.

But others threw their good thoughts down to her. They threw her their love and their hopes for her future. They threw her their worry and their concern. They threw her food. These things made her stronger, but still she was alone in that hole with no way out.

She cried in that hole and starved in that hole. She slept in that hole. She LIVED in that hole. She was a miserable wreck for a long, long time.

So, finally desperate to live in the light instead of the dark...finally ready to live above and outside that deep hole...finally able to see what she could do...she used her tools...the only ones she always had and always has--her mind, her emotions, and her own two hands--and with her heart she wanted OUT. And with her determination she made a plan. And with her anger, she beat at the walls of the hole to make grooves and shelves and footholds. And with her strength, she climbed up...up...up.

It was always up to her. Even with the help of others, she still needed to use her tools to get out of that hole. She needed not one or a few of her tools, but all of them. She needed her desperation, her readiness, her realization, her determination, her anger, and her strength.

After all, the hole was very deep. It took her several tries to actually get out without falling back in. But get out she did. And now--she spends her life living in the light and making sure she never falls back in that hole.

Much love to you all,

Arielle

Possible

I hope you all enjoyed the first ever Tell Your Tale Tuesday yesterday. I know I did. I found it very empowering and inspiring in such a simple way--which is so wonderful.

Here is something I wrote yesterday. I feel very strongly about it so I thought I'd share it with you. Just consider it a...mantra, of sorts. A declaration. A personal proclamation to take to heart.

Recovery is possible.
It's not a guarantee. It's a possibility. It's not simple. It is difficult and sometimes seems impossible. It's not a one-step process. It's a multi-step process complete with twists and turns and bending roads...and roads you didn't even know were there. It's not the same for everyone. It's not always a happy process. It's not always a sad process. It IS empowering. It's not about pleasing other people. It is not about them. It's about YOU. It's not about perfection. It IS about emotion. It IS about honesty. It IS about self-discovery and self-affirmation. It's not about what you don't have. It's about using what you've got. It's not about hiding. It's about finding and displaying. It's not a quick-fix. It's a lifelong plan set into motion by truth and nurturing and self-love. It's not about external factors or environment. It IS about what's within. It is not crazy. It IS real.
Recovery is possible.

When I first read this over last night, I really felt every word. When I re-read it over again this morning I felt every word even more. I think re-reading this "mantra" is a good way to keep things in perspective.

Maybe I should post this permanently on the site somewhere...

Have a great Halloween, everyone. You are all constantly in my thoughts.

Arielle

Refreshing Reinforcement

Glamour magazine has a segment each issue called "glamour list." It is typically a list of 12 things of a particular nature...you know, 12 things it's okay to do, etc. In the most recent issue, the segment is entitled: "12 things in life never to take for granted."


I liked a lot of the items they had on the list, but #4 stood out and made me happy:


Just wanted to share that with all of you. It's good to see a women's magazine give some positive reinforcement, however small.

***

Along those lines, there was a page in the same Glamour issue entitled: "The 7 best (and worst) things you can say to a girl." There is a photo of a little girl playing dress up and laughing. The sub-heading reads: "What you say does make an impression. Make sure it's a good one."


The first column is NEVER SAY...

"I feel fat." (After a second helping of stuffing, sure you do. But beware! If she sees you hating your body, she may learn to loathe hers, says Courtney E. Martin, author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters.

"You're young. You'll get over it." Yes, she'll survive being blown off my her so-called friend. But that doesn't make it sting less right now. Ask how you can help.

"Men suck." Bashing just feeds an us-versus-them mentality, says psychologist Rita Haley, Ph.D.

"Sure you want to eat that?" Eating a honking slab of pie is much less damaging got her than the feeling that everything she puts in her mouth is fodder for scrutiny.
"Paris is such a slut." Whatever you think of Ms. Hilton, trashing women teaches girls to be mean, says psychologist Sharon Lamb. Bring up Nancy Pelosi instead.
"Guys won't like you if you..." It's never good to change to "get" a guy. Tell her the right one will like every crazy, quirky thing about her.

The ALWAYS SAY... column was wonderful too, but one particular ALWAYS SAY stood out for me.

"Yum!!!!" Teach her to enjoy her food, not battle it.

This definitely made me feel positive today! What do you think about this?

Arielle

Spreading the Self-Love

There is a trail in my neighborhood that people use for walking and running. It's beautiful--especially in the fall. I have often seen people (mostly women) running there, so it seemed as good a place as any to post a body positive note.

On Thursday, I went for a little run myself, with a pre-written Post-It note in hand. It read:
You are beautiful just as you are. Love your body. I added webiteback.com's web address and my own.

I used a small tack to attach it to a tree that was prominently displayed. (It was a very small tack; I didn't hurt the tree at all.) I ran up to the other end of the trail and as I came to the end, a woman--a very, very, very thin woman--was passing me, heading in the direction of my strategically placed Post-It.

I ran home feeling good.

Arielle

Fight the Good Fight

I wrote this about 2 years ago. It's what I call "stream of consciousness" prose poetry. I write a lot of it and it just flows. It seemed a fitting thing to post today and here's why:

I had lunch at a large Mexican restaurant today with co-workers. When I went to the Ladies' Room, I decided to leave a note in one of the bathroom stalls that read, "Beauty is not a state of body. It's a state of mind. Love your body," with webiteback.com's web address at the bottom. I keep a little package of post-it notes in my handbag in case I am ever out somewhere I'd like to leave a positive note for someone else to find. There was a party of 60 (yes, 60) teenagers in the restaurant and as I was leaving the Ladies' Room a whole mob of teenage girls went in. I know one of them (or several of them) found my note and it made me happy. Everyone--eating disordered or not--needs a little positive reinforcement every now and then.

But anyway, here's Fight the Good Fight.

Fight the good fight, know the wrong right, fill the void and see the light. Here I go, again and new, fresh, awake, alive and true. Passing by the life I know and focusing on where to go, for I will follow where I’m needed—paths are taken, prayers are heeded. Brain’s mad switch is flicked off…on…I’m not here but I’m not gone... jittery and full of life, I need to live before I die. I need to find the reasons why and cry and sigh and say I tried. Dipped inside a vat of pain, I know I gain when I remain a seer of the songs of old and preacher of the words I hold. Along the sky I write my voice, in ink of breath…a thought, a choice. And still I’m waiting...day’s sad end has seen me weep but still I bend. My words I send to you and yours, alone I smile as my heart soars. I know it pours. Water? Blood? My soul? My life? It pours, now cut through like a knife. And still I say, away away, fight the good fight, know the wrong right, fill the void and see the light. Flickers of the sky’s dark space—it really makes you know your place—and will erase the pain you felt when all those others cruelly dealt their blows to you and all your soul, just breaking you, and you were whole, but pieces looked about to fall and so we’ll catch them, one and all. The sky knows best, it does not rest, and I protest…never. Fight the good fight, know the wrong right, fill the void and see the light.

(c) Arielle Lee Becker 2005

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I hope you are all having a good week (and if you're not, I hope it gets better), and don't forget about Tell Your Tale Tuesdays.

Arielle

Validation

Earlier this week, I responded to a post at Survivors' Club. It got me thinking.

The post was about validation, needing it, and how to cope. Many people with eating disorders seek validation from others. It's as though their own opinions aren't valid enough. We seek to be what we think will bring us praise from others. Many of us do great things, think "hey I did a pretty good job," then automatically think our own thoughts of validation are not good enough. Accomplishing things can be tough when you constantly look for validation from others. Remember this: It matters most what YOU think and how YOU feel.

But in any case, I came up with a pretty decent way of coping. It's at least worth a shot; it may not work for everyone, but it's certainly a new spin on positive reinforcement. I work through this issue of seeking validation often, and I've discovered something that is helpful. No matter how well I think I have done at something, no matter how much I think I have accomplished, or no matter how much I know that my accomplishment is a good one, I continually seek validation from others. I'm a people-pleaser. I want to be the best. I'm a perfectionist. I know a lot of us are.

So here it is. My little thought that's turned into more...

I know it might sound completely strange, but try to think of yourself as multiple people for a few minutes each day or when you have accomplished something and are seeking validation. Write down your "selves" if it helps. (You will see them more clearly and won't forget anyone!) For example, I would have these:

Me the Writer
Me the Woman
Me the Caseworker
Me the Fiancee
Me the Daughter
Me the Sister
Me the Friend
Me the Artist
Etc.

Figure out all the things you are--and just make them separate selves for a moment. See them all in their own light. Let them separate and become more than one entity. Then see how each of them would react to your current achievement or accomplishment. What would Me the Writer think? What would Me the Daughter think? Etc. It will be (and feel) like validation from others, but really it will be validation from yourself. And trust me, YOU are the essence of any of your own accomplishments, so it's only natural and proper that your own opinion matter most.

This trick is different than just thinking, "Well, I think I did okay/pretty good," since we all know the "I" doesn't always seem like enough validation. So, by making the "I" multiple people, you can feel better in certain cases. At the very least, it seems like a good exercise to practice now and then...and by doing so you will start to feel more and more appreciative and accepting of your own thoughts and opinions. Self-validation, my friends! Easier said than done, I know...

So, try it. You never know what a good start it might be.

Best of luck as always!

Arielle