Day #10: Only Words?

The first 5 words that come to mind when I think back to my eating disorder are:

fear
alone
thin
people
empty

As a child, I went from being fearless to being full of fear. I began to second-guess myself, my every move. Certain people would undermine my confidence and I just didn't have enough to draw from when that happened. I also let fear stop me from being who I really was inside. I played the "what if" game constantly. What if this happens, but what if that happens, etc. I was afraid of what other people would think of me. I was afraid to make a wrong move. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid to mess up. I was afraid to see what else I could be besides the thinnest girl that everyone knew. I was afraid to live.

I felt so alone. I was bullied by other girls in middle school and that terrible, awful "alone" feeling began then. I was shunned, left to myself. Hurt. I went home crying every day. I had no one. Actually, that's not true. I had one dear friend who kept herself close to me regardless of what others said and did...and for that I will be forever grateful. But I was miserable beyond words and even when the bullying ended and the hell subsided, I felt damaged and cautious. And the fear I described above was ever-present. (Being bullied is part of why I'm so fascinated about the "mean girls" phenomenon and why I am so passionate about helping girls - or anyone! - who are bullied. The link to development of an eating disorder also intrigues me, and if you were one of the 491 participants in the graduate research study I conducted - and even if you weren't - you'll get to hear about my findings at some point this summer.)

I was always the thin girl, often the thinnest girl that anyone knew. It was so much a part of my identity that I was afraid to lose it. I thought that if I stopped being the thinnest girl that I would somehow cease to be ME. There was always so much emphasis on how thin I was - and I felt I had no choice but to feel a sense of pride about it, simply because that was what people focused on so often. Even though my eating disorder was about so much more than weight and appearance, I was obsessed with being thin and staying thin. Mostly because of fear. Partially because I wanted to make myself less, and uglier - to take the focus off my looks. I wanted so badly to be more than just a pretty face, to be seen as the smart, kind, creative person I knew I was - but it was always my appearance that was remarked upon the most. Being thin, staying thin, and getting thinner was a way to detract from that - or so I hoped. It was no way to live and it was dangerous. I was very ill, especially in my first 2 years of college.

And while I had a lot to work on personally, within myself, so much of what fueled my eating disorder had to do with other people. I was a self-proclaimed people pleaser extraordinaire. It goes back to the fear I explained above - being afraid of what they might think about me. But it went further too. I wanted to please my mom, my dad, my teachers. Make them proud. And berate myself if I felt I didn't. I didn't want to do something or be something that would make everyone suddenly shun me again and leave me in the cold, the way it happened in middle school. I tried to please everyone, which is impossible. It took me a long time to learn that, but an even longer time to end the people pleasing, even after I realized the conundrum. I was also shy. I let people take charge, convinced I couldn't be as good at it. I held back, reverting into a scared little girl.

And I was empty. So empty. I was lost. Depleted. All of my energy was gone, all of my hopes and dreams seemed like they were down a deep well and I simply didn't have the strength to pull them up.

***But recovery, now THAT is a splendid thing, my friends. And recovered feels even better. :-) The first 5 words that come to mind when I think of recovery and life now are:

love
child
woman
leader
free

In leaving my eating disorder behind, I was able to learn to love myself. I was able to see and appreciate what I could do and be. I was able to understand myself and give myself permission to feel and falter and move on. I was also able to love everything else. There was so much more time in my every day for LOVING THINGS! I didn't have to waste energy or brain space or time on counting calories, or burning calories, or trying not to think about how hungry I really was, or obsessing over how I looked, or coming up with mean things to say to myself as punishment.

Part of the love came from the fact that I was finally getting back to my authentic self - the self I was as a child. When I was little, I was free and happy. I wasn't shy, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't worried or obsessed. I used to love life and the more I recovered, the more I realized that it had been a long, long time since I had been ME. After age 10, I just kicked the real Arielle to the curb. But I got her back. I got that precious, creative, lit-up, helpful, engaging, ready child BACK. And guess what...

...She was also a woman. I found that all the good parts of me, the REAL parts of me that I loved and longed for had nothing to do with me being a child, even though that was the last time I remembered being my real self. Being a woman was just as good as being a child - but better. I know this is going to sound strange, but I think Women’s Studies helped me be able to accept my body in a big way. I was an English major in college, but I also ended up leaving with a degree in Women’s Studies as well as English. I dabbled at first, taking a Women’s Studies class here and there, ended up making it my minor, and then took the plunge and added a second major to my workload. I liked it that much... and what's more, it made me feel good about myself. While I sat in a lot of my Women’s Studies classes, I began to GROW a deep appreciation for my female body. I was super proud to be a woman, and I realized that a body came with that. I also was able to delve into a lot of eating disorder issues via books, films, discussions, and courses, so I could explore my own feelings, experiences, and better help myself and others. In short, being a Women’s Studies major helped me to like myself. I don’t by any means think that the answer to accepting your body is Women’s Studies. It just happened to be a big part of the equation for me. I found my voice in those classes. I found some of the spirit I felt I had lost. I became less shy, less self-hating, and I discovered things about myself I didn’t even know. Plus, the feeling of...sisterhood, for lack of a better word... made me feel comforted and at ease. I liked feeling like a part of something and that something happened to be womanhood... a piece of the human race... which allowed me to express myself, accept myself and my body, and understand that all women are incredibly different and beautiful.

And all of that stuff helped me to become a leader. In all recovery, and especially as recovery progresses to "recovered," I think we are all leaders. For me, becoming a leader in various aspects filled my heart with purpose. I always say that I'm a woman who wears many hats. I'm an eating disorder recovery blogger (5 years this October!), a soon to be mental health professional (will be an L.M.S.W. this time next year - FINALLY), a wife, a Caseworker, an ANAD eating disorder support group leader (4 years!), ANAD resource person, new eating disorder researcher apparently(!), proud member of EDAN (Eating Disorder Activist Network), contributing blogger to We Are the Real Deal (a fantastically informative and renowned site), weekly video host of the WeRFreEDomFighters channel, and eating disorder speaker.

Now, and for the past several years, I'm free. I've used the word free a lot in regards to recovery and what it feels like to be recovered. I know that for some, using the word "recovered" can feel impossible. For others, it feels like they're jinxing themselves to say something so definitive. For me, I am confident when I use that word and I don't use it lightly. But the word I most prefer - the word that "recovered" really means - is FREE. A few months ago, I created and posted a video called "Arielle's Timeline to Freedom." I had never made a personal timeline to share, simply because that's not what this site is about and too often, people want to see the "triggering" stuff, the shock value glamorization of anorexia. But people are forever asking about my story, and I can appreciate the humanization and closeness that kind of sharing can create, so I concocted my own Arielle-esque idea - a completely different kind of timeline than you've ever seen, complete with resources built in. If you haven't seen it, you can find Arielle's Timeline to Freedom here:



Fight on, so YOUR second set of 5 words can be great ones!

Kicking Off the Week in an Important Way!

The online survey for my Graduate Research on Eating Disorders is up! What a great way to kick off Eating Disorder Awareness Week! I was awarded a graduate research grant for this and my study was officially approved by the IRB (Institutional Review Board). Survey is completely voluntary AND anonymous. Please see below:

You are invited to participate in a study about eating disorders. If you are female, 18 years of age or older, reside in the USA, Canada, or the UK, and have a current OR past eating disorder, the following link will direct you to a consent form, instructions, further details about the study, and a brief online survey. If you are a mental health professional and feel that your clients would be interested in participating in this study, please share with them the link to the consent form and survey. Thank you for your interest and participation!

Click here to take survey

 Your input is greatly valued and appreciated. Results should be available by summer of 2012.

Call For Women Over 70

I am asking for your help.

I am doing a small research project for my MSW (Masters in Social Work) on body image/food issues in women ages 70 – 100. This is a topic not often discussed, but I know struggling women in this age group exist. The harsh reality persists that many women do not reach age 70 and older due to eating disorders or complications from behaviors related to eating disorders, but there ARE still women out there who have these issues and I would like to a) give them a voice b) contribute to (lack of) research in this area and 3) learn.

If you are a female aged 70 or older who has body image issues (whether diagnosed with an eating disorder or not), who has been diagnosed with an eating disorder, or who struggles with food (whether diagnosed with an eating disorder or not), or all of the above, please contact me by clicking "EMAIL ARIELLE" on the left sidebar if you would be willing to participate in a brief interview (via a 10 question survey) through email. You can also leave your email address in a comment to this post and I will contact you. You may participate anonymously if you prefer, or may give your full or first name. I am only interested in your responses and your age, and will not judge or label in anyway; I am conducting this research from a personal place of deep understanding.

It does not matter if you dealt with these issues as young adult and still deal with them today or if you developed these issues later in your life – your story is important to me.

I know you are out there, because I’ve received emails from women meeting these criteria in the past!

If you know a woman who meets these criteria and would be willing to talk about body image and/or eating issues, I will gladly email a survey you can print so that you may ask the questions yourself and reply to me via email.

THANK YOU!

The Culture of Thinness

An article I wrote for Deconstruction Magazine a couple years ago:

Eating disorders and poor body image have become rampant in recent years, and the media has stimulated the increase in the life-threatening diseases that come under the heading of disordered eating. The numbers of people who have body image issues are staggering. Television, magazines, and even film play a large role in the development and maintenance of eating disorders like anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and compulsive eating…and they help create body image problems for many. The rise in eating disorders affects women’s lives most of all because they remain the major sufferers. Recently, new hindrances have presented themselves to women with the potential for developing eating disorders, such as pro-anorexia websites and diet product marketing. And trust me, we have enough hindrances without getting hit with more. I for one have personally dealt with the pain and problems this article talks about, so I write from experience and a growing anger with the media. The culture of thinness is prevalent in Western society—a culture that continually focuses on women and their bodies.

Putting aside for a moment what helps to cause eating disorders and body image issues, there is still the matter of health and the consequences of these things for women. Anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa especially, have serious dangers associated with them…and an unhealthy body image is no pleasure with which to live. Women are dying from problems like this—women with options, women with lives, women with these problems that have conquered so many—thanks in part to the media. While there is no simple “cure” for eating disorders or unhealthy body image, there are solutions to the problems that influence these things. There is not only an opportunity to help women struggling with these issues, there is an opportunity to prevent these issues from ever happening at all. Women with any type of eating disorder are generally those with other psychological issues or low self-esteem—but what gives them this low self-esteem?

While the media is surely not the sole cause of eating disorders or body image problems among women, it does play a tremendous role in the way women feel about their bodies. Body image is an issue that is often directly related to eating disorders, especially anorexia and bulimia. Television frequently displays women who are considered the standard of beauty; we don’t often see unattractive or overweight women in lead roles. Today’s standard of beauty generally includes being thin, tan, and picture-perfect in every way. As if this were not bad enough, the commercials on television do not bring much relief; diet products are continually marketed all day and all night so that women scarcely have a chance to feel comfortable with themselves. The Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness (AEDA) lists that the diet related industry was a 50 billion dollar a year enterprise in the year 2000. Since this style of marketing is so ubiquitous, many women are left to assume that their bodies are not on par with the societal “ideal.” The American Anorexia/Bulimia Association (AABA) states that as of 1998 the most common behavior that leads to an eating disorder is dieting. How many women do YOU know who are on a diet?

Magazine photos and advertisements, like those in Cosmo, Glamour, and Seventeen act in much the same way. Even women’s magazine articles tend to focus on weight, appearance, and beauty over fitness and health. Society labels beauty as women’s main “thing” in life. More than success, intelligence, or personality, beauty is the goal that is set for women of all ages to achieve. Women are often judged by appearance alone, and this includes weight. For example, many women feel that if they cannot get a date, it must mean that they are too fat or too ugly. You seldom hear a woman saying she couldn’t get a date because she’s too smart, right? These messages which the media render can be detrimental to the psychological well-being of women of the Western world. Adolescents are the main consumers of women’s magazines and diet products. They are also the target audience of television shows and movies that portray thin and gorgeous women as the “ideal” or the norm. It is obvious that these messages do indeed have an effect on their audience; according to the Eating Disorders Coalition for Research (EDC) 40-60% of high school girls diet and 30-40% of junior high school girls worry about their weight.

Since the 1960s, focus on women and body has increased considerably. What led to this change? All kinds of media, for instance, skyrocketed; television, movies, and advertising became about looks and fashion whereas in earlier years it was not such a big issue. Pressure on adolescent girls to fit in has soared as well. Not only has this pressure increased, but it is continually on the rise. The depiction of women’s sexuality (or the dominance of women as sexual objects) also influences women and the way in which they view themselves and each other. Young girls particularly have come to understand that to become a woman means make-up and style and being pretty. Women in Western culture, in order to be women, must fill a role that has already been created for them. Just as society views women, so women learn to view themselves. They may become overly critical, discontent, and acquire low self-esteem in the process of trying to measure up to impossible ideals (or simply ideals that simply aren’t who they are and/or who they should be).

Not only are positive themes associated with thinness, but there is a distinct stigma associated with fat. According to Western culture, thin is wonderful and fat is horrible. This stigma alone can influence the choices women make and the actions they take. Since fat is something disgusting, women who are "overweight" or feel that they are overweight may be distressed. If this daily distress becomes bad enough, many women may develop self-damaging behaviors or eating disorders. All the negative messages surrounding fat can cause women to have negative feelings about themselves, and these negative feelings can increase until women feel what is known as body hatred. And who do they have to thank?—the media.

Remember when I mentioned that since the 1960s focus on women and body has skyrocketed? Well, it should be no surprise to find then, that the incidence of eating disorders has doubled since the 1960s. Shock and frenzy often follow eating disorders in the news and public, but instead of merely addressing and re-addressing the problem, something can be done about it. First on the list might be “fixing” the media. Despite the fact that girls and women often feel inadequate compared to many of the unrealistic and pervasive images the media presents, these images still remain the basis for beauty in our society. Not all media is like this; there are images of natural, full-figured, and beautiful yet imperfect women out there, but this is certainly not what women most often see. The majority of ideas and images in media of Western culture drives home that a lovely and likable slender appearance is much more important than being smart, successful, or healthy. Even if it remains difficult to purge society of these images, combining them with positive ideas about intelligence, careers, social issues, and health would at least be an improvement. It’s also pretty vital to promote health and fitness as opposed to body size.

According to the Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness, over half of females between ages 18-25 who participated in a recent survey would rather be run over by a truck than be fat, and two-thirds surveyed would rather be mean or stupid. This statistic alone is enough for alarm. It is clear that eating disorders, eating disordered behavior, and body image problems have become an epidemic. Body image issues are increasing in younger age groups—as young as seven-year-olds. In the past, eating disorders were mainly an issue for white middle to upper class women, but in recent years the issue has increased in diverse ethnic and socio-cultural groups, according to the Eating Disorders Coalition for Research (EDC). Furthermore, the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry states, “The number one wish of girls 11-17 years old is to lose weight.” When a wish like this becomes so prevalent, the issue of body image and the media needs to be addressed. There is no reason why so many girls and women should die from eating disorders—or live a life of suffering and pain.

(c) Arielle Lee Becker