How to Say NO and Not Feel Guilty

VERY important topic this week. HIGHLY important. VITAL.

Arielle's Word of the Day #26: PURPOSE

Almost 5 years ago, this was the first post on Actively Arielle:

I have started this blog to support eating disorder recovery and to help others along their way. I'm dedicated to contributing something, however small, to those who are in a position I know too well. It's really a blog for others.

I have a lot of writings from over the years--writings from when I was dealing with anorexia--that I'd like to display because they are a voice that can speak to others. I have poetry, dialogues, rants, entries, etc. These will be slowly posted here. I think sharing is important and extremely beneficial. I know that when I was struggling I would have loved to read writings about eating disorders (and all the respective emotions) on someone's blog--someone who I knew recovered. It's about hope. It's about strength. It's about turning tears to words so we all have something to work with, something to go to, and something to feel besides the pain and confusion.

Writing and sharing is a way to showcase the struggles, the battles, and the pain so that we end up coming out on top. I've learned to be actively ME--a me with whom I am happy. I've learned to live a life with which I am content. But to make a new beginning, one must first realize many things about the self, about the goal, and about the tendency to relapse, revisit, and revert to old habits.

Basically, what I'm saying is: I'd like to help.

So, read, comment, and feel free to email. We can help each other.

The blog took off and became an activist and motivational speaker and support group leader and a professional. But before all that, it started just as simply as stated above. That has always been my purpose, here and in life - to turn tears to words, to give hope, to help. I don't plan on stopping any time soon. Actually, ever.

Arielle's Word of the Day #4: CRAZY

I chose this word on purpose. I mean, I made this blogger challenge and picked all the words for each day myself - and I chose CRAZY because I was really curious to see the differences in posts, and I really wanted people to delve inside themselves and see what was there.

The way I feel about "crazy" is multi-faceted. I don't think I can succinctly say that I like the word or hate the word. Yet... it has evoked both positive and negative emotions from me.

1) I really dislike it when people call individuals with mental illnesses "crazy."

It can be hurtful, false, derogatory, and perpetuates stigma about mental health issues. It irks me.

2) I often use the word "crazy" when I'm not referring to mental health.

For example, my mom does a goofy dance. "Mom, you are so crazy!" I say with a laugh. Is this wrong? I don't think so. I love my mom. She loves me. It's not meant to be a nasty comment...

and yet...

I can recognize that the origin of that word, the very reason my brain chooses to use "crazy" to describe my mom when she is acting silly, is not a nice one. "Crazy" came from "looney bins" and insane asylums and straight jackets and people who were not "normal enough" to be in society. Or so the story goes...

I do not ever call someone "crazy" in a serious manner, i.e. I do not tell someone who has bi-polar disorder or bulimia or schizophrenia that he/she is "crazy."  I'm an advocate for ending mental health stigma. I try to educate people on how normal those with mental health issues really are. We are all people.

But I DO use the word "crazy" when I'm having a good time with my family or friends. I even call myself "crazy" - usually, as in "crazy cat lady." :-)

And this is why:

cra·zy  [krey-zee] adjective

1.

mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2.

senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

3.

Informal . intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited: crazy about baseball.

4.

Informal . very enamored or infatuated (usually followed by about ): He was crazy about her.

5.

Informal . intensely anxious or eager; impatient: I'm crazy to try those new skis.

6.

Informal . unusual; bizarre; singular: She always wears a crazy hat.

7.

Slang . wonderful; excellent; perfect: That's crazy, man, crazy.

8.

likely to break or fall to pieces.

9.

weak, infirm, or sickly.

10.

having an unusual, unexpected, or random quality, behavior, result, pattern, etc.: a crazy reel that spins in either direction.

I took the liberty of highlighting the definitions of "crazy" to which I refer when I use the term. While I personally feel that calling someone with ANY mental health problems "crazy" is derogatory with a capital D, there are fun, silly, positive reasons to use "crazy" too.

I use number 3, for instance, to describe myself and my love for cats. :-)

I also use number 4 to describe my husband, Rick - he's crazy about me. ;-)

Number 5 I use quite frequently to explain how impatient I am to be finished with the intense graduate program I'm doing right now.

And number 6, well, I use it to describe my hectic schedule. Anyone who knows me has heard me refer to "my crazy schedule" numerous times per week.

Number 7 I love. We should all use it more often. That's crazy, blog readers, crazy! And by crazy, I mean "wonderful," "excellent," and "perfect" of course! Did you know know/realize/remember that "crazy" had such a positive definition?

And number 10... it applies to all of us, I think. Who doesn't have "an unusual, unexpected, or random quality, behavior, result, or pattern" as part of their personality/life?

So yeah, you guessed it... what I'm trying to say is that we're all crazy. And when crazy isn't being used to put someone down, it can actually be a pretty cool thing. :-)

Day #31: Reflections

Participating in the Hungry for Change Blogger Challenge was fun for me. I like to spread positivity and hope as much as I can, but I also like being part of a bigger community. I think it's important to work with others as a team to create an awesome, big, powerful VOICE.

Participating has also been a challenge for me - not by way of writing any of the prompts, but because of time. I can't remember the last time I committed to posting every single day without fail. I do so many things in a regular day and while my site is very important to me and the work I do here is something I take very seriously, I typically post about once per week, sometimes twice per week. It's been difficult to make sure I had a post up each day that was really thoughtful and poignant, simply because I have very little (if any on some days!) free time. I found myself typing 2 or 3 blog posts at a time when I DID have a free hour, then saving them to be posted later.

I also often "scheduled" my posts to be published on the morning of the day they were "due," because usually my free time was late, late at night after a long day and evening of work, grad school, and being a wife.

I tried to work in advance and found it worked well. I enjoyed the challenge and even when I felt obligated on some days to crank out a post to continue with the commitment, it always felt good to write...to be another voice...to share vital words.

I've also enjoyed reading the posts other bloggers have shared. There are so many wonderful people out there from all walks of life, in all points of recovery, writing the words that make sense to them. I respect it very much.

Hungry for Change is a great campaign with a great message...and it's more than that - it's a community too. I'm honored to have been a part of the collective voice and VERY excited to partner with them for the NEXT blogger challenge, taking place in June (yes, TOMORROW!).

Arielle's Word of the Day Challenge is definitely something different and I hope to facilitate community yet again. With all of you. For details, please click here: Arielle's Word of the Day Blogger Challenge. Hungry for Change and I would love for you to participate! Thank you for writing, thank you for reading, and I hope you'll continue to share.

Arielle's Word of the Day Blogger Challenge!

If you've enjoyed reading all the Hungry for Change posts for the May Blogger Challenge and are sorry to see May end....

BE SAD NO LONGER!

A new blogger challenge is coming your way! Actively Arielle and Hungry for Change have partnered together to bring you "Arielle's Word of the Day" June Blogger Challenge. We'd love for you to participate!

You can find all the prompts for each day here (AND you can also sign up [optional] to ensure your blog is easily accessible to everyone who is participating): http://junebloggerchallenge.weebly.com/
And the daily images can be found on the Hungry for Change Facebook page here: June Blog Prompt Daily Images

As always, if participation is not your choice, we hope you will enjoy reading what is to come!

Check out the 1 minute video below to see what's in store!

Day #10: Only Words?

The first 5 words that come to mind when I think back to my eating disorder are:

fear
alone
thin
people
empty

As a child, I went from being fearless to being full of fear. I began to second-guess myself, my every move. Certain people would undermine my confidence and I just didn't have enough to draw from when that happened. I also let fear stop me from being who I really was inside. I played the "what if" game constantly. What if this happens, but what if that happens, etc. I was afraid of what other people would think of me. I was afraid to make a wrong move. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid to mess up. I was afraid to see what else I could be besides the thinnest girl that everyone knew. I was afraid to live.

I felt so alone. I was bullied by other girls in middle school and that terrible, awful "alone" feeling began then. I was shunned, left to myself. Hurt. I went home crying every day. I had no one. Actually, that's not true. I had one dear friend who kept herself close to me regardless of what others said and did...and for that I will be forever grateful. But I was miserable beyond words and even when the bullying ended and the hell subsided, I felt damaged and cautious. And the fear I described above was ever-present. (Being bullied is part of why I'm so fascinated about the "mean girls" phenomenon and why I am so passionate about helping girls - or anyone! - who are bullied. The link to development of an eating disorder also intrigues me, and if you were one of the 491 participants in the graduate research study I conducted - and even if you weren't - you'll get to hear about my findings at some point this summer.)

I was always the thin girl, often the thinnest girl that anyone knew. It was so much a part of my identity that I was afraid to lose it. I thought that if I stopped being the thinnest girl that I would somehow cease to be ME. There was always so much emphasis on how thin I was - and I felt I had no choice but to feel a sense of pride about it, simply because that was what people focused on so often. Even though my eating disorder was about so much more than weight and appearance, I was obsessed with being thin and staying thin. Mostly because of fear. Partially because I wanted to make myself less, and uglier - to take the focus off my looks. I wanted so badly to be more than just a pretty face, to be seen as the smart, kind, creative person I knew I was - but it was always my appearance that was remarked upon the most. Being thin, staying thin, and getting thinner was a way to detract from that - or so I hoped. It was no way to live and it was dangerous. I was very ill, especially in my first 2 years of college.

And while I had a lot to work on personally, within myself, so much of what fueled my eating disorder had to do with other people. I was a self-proclaimed people pleaser extraordinaire. It goes back to the fear I explained above - being afraid of what they might think about me. But it went further too. I wanted to please my mom, my dad, my teachers. Make them proud. And berate myself if I felt I didn't. I didn't want to do something or be something that would make everyone suddenly shun me again and leave me in the cold, the way it happened in middle school. I tried to please everyone, which is impossible. It took me a long time to learn that, but an even longer time to end the people pleasing, even after I realized the conundrum. I was also shy. I let people take charge, convinced I couldn't be as good at it. I held back, reverting into a scared little girl.

And I was empty. So empty. I was lost. Depleted. All of my energy was gone, all of my hopes and dreams seemed like they were down a deep well and I simply didn't have the strength to pull them up.

***But recovery, now THAT is a splendid thing, my friends. And recovered feels even better. :-) The first 5 words that come to mind when I think of recovery and life now are:

love
child
woman
leader
free

In leaving my eating disorder behind, I was able to learn to love myself. I was able to see and appreciate what I could do and be. I was able to understand myself and give myself permission to feel and falter and move on. I was also able to love everything else. There was so much more time in my every day for LOVING THINGS! I didn't have to waste energy or brain space or time on counting calories, or burning calories, or trying not to think about how hungry I really was, or obsessing over how I looked, or coming up with mean things to say to myself as punishment.

Part of the love came from the fact that I was finally getting back to my authentic self - the self I was as a child. When I was little, I was free and happy. I wasn't shy, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't worried or obsessed. I used to love life and the more I recovered, the more I realized that it had been a long, long time since I had been ME. After age 10, I just kicked the real Arielle to the curb. But I got her back. I got that precious, creative, lit-up, helpful, engaging, ready child BACK. And guess what...

...She was also a woman. I found that all the good parts of me, the REAL parts of me that I loved and longed for had nothing to do with me being a child, even though that was the last time I remembered being my real self. Being a woman was just as good as being a child - but better. I know this is going to sound strange, but I think Women’s Studies helped me be able to accept my body in a big way. I was an English major in college, but I also ended up leaving with a degree in Women’s Studies as well as English. I dabbled at first, taking a Women’s Studies class here and there, ended up making it my minor, and then took the plunge and added a second major to my workload. I liked it that much... and what's more, it made me feel good about myself. While I sat in a lot of my Women’s Studies classes, I began to GROW a deep appreciation for my female body. I was super proud to be a woman, and I realized that a body came with that. I also was able to delve into a lot of eating disorder issues via books, films, discussions, and courses, so I could explore my own feelings, experiences, and better help myself and others. In short, being a Women’s Studies major helped me to like myself. I don’t by any means think that the answer to accepting your body is Women’s Studies. It just happened to be a big part of the equation for me. I found my voice in those classes. I found some of the spirit I felt I had lost. I became less shy, less self-hating, and I discovered things about myself I didn’t even know. Plus, the feeling of...sisterhood, for lack of a better word... made me feel comforted and at ease. I liked feeling like a part of something and that something happened to be womanhood... a piece of the human race... which allowed me to express myself, accept myself and my body, and understand that all women are incredibly different and beautiful.

And all of that stuff helped me to become a leader. In all recovery, and especially as recovery progresses to "recovered," I think we are all leaders. For me, becoming a leader in various aspects filled my heart with purpose. I always say that I'm a woman who wears many hats. I'm an eating disorder recovery blogger (5 years this October!), a soon to be mental health professional (will be an L.M.S.W. this time next year - FINALLY), a wife, a Caseworker, an ANAD eating disorder support group leader (4 years!), ANAD resource person, new eating disorder researcher apparently(!), proud member of EDAN (Eating Disorder Activist Network), contributing blogger to We Are the Real Deal (a fantastically informative and renowned site), weekly video host of the WeRFreEDomFighters channel, and eating disorder speaker.

Now, and for the past several years, I'm free. I've used the word free a lot in regards to recovery and what it feels like to be recovered. I know that for some, using the word "recovered" can feel impossible. For others, it feels like they're jinxing themselves to say something so definitive. For me, I am confident when I use that word and I don't use it lightly. But the word I most prefer - the word that "recovered" really means - is FREE. A few months ago, I created and posted a video called "Arielle's Timeline to Freedom." I had never made a personal timeline to share, simply because that's not what this site is about and too often, people want to see the "triggering" stuff, the shock value glamorization of anorexia. But people are forever asking about my story, and I can appreciate the humanization and closeness that kind of sharing can create, so I concocted my own Arielle-esque idea - a completely different kind of timeline than you've ever seen, complete with resources built in. If you haven't seen it, you can find Arielle's Timeline to Freedom here:



Fight on, so YOUR second set of 5 words can be great ones!