Stopping Yourself in the Midst of a Bad Decision

Last week, I talked about ways to stop yourself in the midst of a bad decision. I made a video in which I discussed some concrete ideas for re-training yourself, re-directing yourself, and understanding that what you're doing is destructive. The video targets unhealthy behaviors like binging, purging, and obsessive weighing on a scale. I recognize that not everyone with an eating disorder utilizes these unhealthy behaviors, as eating disorders are varied and as individual as the people who struggle with them... but I also know that many, many people out there are looking for applicable ways to help stop these behaviors.

Don't be hard on yourself. Allow the learning process. Don't berate yourself for failures. Instead, take pride in small accomplishments and in the very act of trying to change your bad behaviors. Effort is commendable.

I hope you can find the video helpful: Stopping Yourself in the Midst of a Bad Decision

Weight Gain in Recovery

Here is my latest video, from this past Wednesday. The topic was Weight Gain in Recovery. More non-video posts to come - I'm currently sick and trying to get well. Hope everyone is doing their best to fight off those winter (it's winter in the USA at least) cold germs.

Question # 17: Trapped & Tied...Am I Ready?

SUZANNA WHITE writes: "My question kind of goes with the art: '...trapped and tied to your disorder'(The Healing Room by Shawna Atkins)

I think as the days go by, I want less and less to recover. Did you have this same feeling when you were in recovery? I desperately want to go back to how things were when I was at overtaken by my eating disorder, and most days I feel like trying to recover was my biggest mistake. I kind of just want to know I'm not a freak. Do you ever step on the scale? I am just not ready to stop weighing in--maybe I'm just not ready for recovery?"

I can't tell you whether you are ready for recovery - only you can make that decision. But I can tell you that I understand your current stage. It's almost... apathetic? I've felt that way in the past. Going back to how things where when you were overtaken by your eating disorder is the easy way out. It's also giving up - because it's only a matter of time before going back to the beginning becomes giving up on life. Your life won't be your own and more importantly, it may not even exist in a few months or years. I know this is what practically everyone preaches - that you need to stop or you'll die. But it's true. There aren't really old women anorexics out there. You either recover or you die. I know it's blunt, but it's true.

You're not a freak. Wanting to give up on recovery does not make you a freak. I think many of us feel that way at some point. You're certainly not alone. Letting go and giving everything back to your eating disorder would feel like a sense of relief, right? It's less work, it makes your mind feel better, etc. But that's because your mind has an illness. You have to understand this to get anywhere.

If recovery was easy, there wouldn't be therapists, nutritionists, support groups, self-help books, treatment centers, and other resources. And yes, you do have to CHOOSE recovery - it's not going to choose you... but all that means is making the decision to live or die - because even if you're still breathing while you have your eating disorder, you're still not really living.

An eating disorder is a slippery slope. You give in once, you're falling fast. You give in twice, you're falling hard. You give in three times, you're falling down into a big dark hole. And it's going to be even harder to get out. Going back to it only seems easier than this whole recovery thing right now - but it's really not. That's all in your head.

Do I ever step on the scale? Yeah, I do. At the doctor's office when I go for my regular appointments. I didn't even have a scale in my house for the first 3 years after college. Scales do not matter to me. I do have one now. I do get on it...maybe a few times year? I don't care that it exists. I let a scale back in my life when I knew it wouldn't affect me any longer. If you came to my house and said you had to take it, I'd say, "Sure, go ahead." It's just a thing. Before it used to be power. Control. Numbers. Self-worth. Constant, multiple-times-per-day evaluation. That was years ago. I'm done with that. It's no way to live!

You can be ready for recovery and still be scared of the scale. You can be ready for recovery and still step on it. But one of these days you're going to have to make the conscious effort to stop and say, "This is it. This isn't helping me. I'm done. Maybe in a few years I can be around a scale again, but that is not today."

And tell yourself to cut the crap. You either want to be rid of your eating disorder or you don't. In my humble opinion, you wouldn't be reading my blog OR submitting a question for me to answer if you didn't on some level want to be rid of your eating disorder. This is a recovery blog. I give advice, support, help, and motivation for recovery from an eating disorder. It has never been anything but that and I have never pretended otherwise. You know this. And therefore, on some level, you want to recover.

Are you ready? As I said, I don't know. I can't answer that. But you can. And you will. At some point, you will. Maybe you're not ready to answer that question you've put to yourself, because you know that if you do you will have to start putting more effort into recovery. Maybe you're just afraid of a life without an eating disorder as part of your identity. Whatever it is that's holding you back, sit with it. Reflect on it. And remember, recovery is possible. You can do it if you really want it.

Yes, there was a time I felt like you. But now I feel like me. And I'd much rather feel like me. Feeling "trapped and tied" to something gets old pretty quickly... and you deserve better.

Discovering "Recovery Thinking"

You can be honest about struggling. Because struggling means you are fighting something...that you're not just sitting there and taking it...or giving in. And THAT is really saying something.

I think a lot about how so many women fear the number on the scale that sometimes seems to be creeping up on them.

I really understand what that is like; I used to feel that same fear of the weight and the number on the scale. It made me crazy.

Recovery can often seem like a battle of your two selves. A seemingly endless ping-pong game.

It comes down to this. You see the number. You wince. You try to tell yourself it's okay because you're trying to be healthy. But it doesn't feel okay. And you don't feel good about it.

You think about restricting.

You know you shouldn't. (Am I right so far?)

And you try to get support from others to keep your saner thoughts in the forefront of your mind.

The thing is, if you give in to restricting to lose OR maintain (your body may, as it changes, find its normal weight is a couple pounds higher than what you've been maintaining, hence the slow creep of the number on that scale) you are going to be back on a downward spiral. So keep that in mind.

It's so easy to say you will only restrict enough to get back to what you feel is a comfortable weight, but that's the eating disorder wheedling its way back into your head and slowly clutching you again until you continue and continue and continue, a lower weight always being desirable.

You know this. It's so simple to say right now that you'd only restrict a little bit, but it's a dangerous move. A recipe for disaster.

I know from experience.

Once, when I tried to recover and got to a "decent" (though still too low) weight, I began to freak out even though I was still determined on recovery, and I told myself I'd only restrict to get a tiny bit lower, just so I'd feel better in my own skin. So I did.

Bad move. I was down to below xx lbs. in no time at all. And I REALLY wanted to get better. But there I was. Back at Unhealthy and trying to climb my way up to Healthy again.

I don't want this to happen to you or anyone. I know the mindset an eating disorder can instill, and I want you to know that you are stronger than your inclination to restrict when you see your weight on a scale.

As I've said before, a scale is an inanimate object that should never define you. I know it takes a while to realize this completely but nevertheless, it is something you can tell yourself over and over again when you feel miserable because the number you've seen isn't the one you'd like to be seeing.

And eventually, the more resistant you become against restriction and other eating disordered behavior, the less that number you see begins to bother you. It goes like this. You see it. You don't like it. But you don't feel the desire to restrict.

Days go by.

You see it. You don't like it. But you pass it off in a couple seconds and forget about it for the rest of the day.

Days go by. You see it. You are indifferent. You neither like it nor dislike it.

Days go by.

You see it. You are indifferent. You may not even feel like stepping on a scale is important in your life.

Days go by.

You see it. You are indifferent. You feel good. GOOD. Because a number doesn't dictate your mood.

Days go by.

You see it. You like it. Why? Because it means you are free at last from the power of the scale and the number.

It could take months, years, maybe a decade, but it can happen. Remember that when you step on the scale and try not to let it ruin your smile or your day…because the day you stop letting a number ruin your day, you are one big step closer to peace.

A Smaller Size Is Not A Prize

Shopping: you love it and you hate it. It can be enjoyable and maddening, fun and disastrous, happy and sad.

Much of these conflicting emotions stem from the toss-up of finding the perfect dress versus trying on pair of jeans after pair of jeans, none of which fit the way you want them to.

Often, it seems as though stores are telling us that, no matter what, our bodies are not “right.” We’re too skinny, too fat, our hips are too big, our butts are too flat, our stomach is too round, our thighs are too wide, etc. We inevitably try to make our bodies fit the clothes, instead of making our clothes fit our bodies. Needless to say, it can get extremely frustrating. It takes all the joy out of shopping for yourself. It can make you feel negatively about yourself. It reiterates again and again that your body is somehow not the way it should be.

Then there are the numbers. More numbers, like the numbers on a scale, dictating your mood: clothing sizes.

For one, they always seem to be getting smaller in stores, don’t they? You can wear a 5 in one store, but in another, where all the clothes seem so small, a 5 doesn’t come close to fitting. You’re forced to but something a couple sizes up and you feel horrible. Why? If it looks good, then why? Because that number has come to mean something to you. The numbers have come to signify something. If they go up, you’re too fat and if they go down, you’re doing well and looking better.

This is your first mistake. You’re giving these numbers—these clothing sizes, for God’s sake—a lot of power. And they mean nothing. It’s about how you feel in the clothes you buy that should matter. If the pair of pants you want to buy had a tag 3 sizes smaller, and you love the way they look on you—then you’d still love the way they look if that tag has a larger size printed on it. It’s just your mind trying to tell you differently. Trying to make you feel ugly, fat, and inadequate.

My suggestion—if you’re strong enough—is to cut the tags out of the clothes you buy. That way, you’ve used them for what they’re really for—to help determine what fits you in the store—and when you get home, you don’t need those damn tags anymore. I can hear what you’re thinking…you’re thinking that you do.

Well, you don’t.

You don’t need them to reference yourself. You don’t need them to tell you how to feel when you put them on. Look at the clothes for what they are—for what you like about them—not their sizes.

If you’re like me, the clothes in your closet are probably a few different sizes. Sizes vary by store or by material or by article of clothing (like your dress size not being your pants size). So who cares if you have all the tags cut out of your clothes? You’re not going to go out, sit on the bus, and have the person next to you ask, “Oh what size are your pants?”

If they comment on your pants, they’re more likely to say, “I really like your pants,” or “Where did you get those?”

Think about it.

And when you want to or need to go shopping again, you just try on clothes and see what fits without worrying about if you wore an 8 in the same store the last time you were in it. You pick a pair of pants that looks like it might fit and go from there if it doesn’t, trying on ones smaller or larger until you find a par that does. If your clothes at home don’t have the tags, you won’t be going into the store looking for a certain size and feeling terrible if it doesn’t fit the way you think it should. It’s just trial and error now, babe. You find the clothes to fit your body instead of thinking your body should fit into a size you’ve chosen in your head or have seen in your closet.
I know cutting the tags out of your clothes can seem pretty extreme. And maybe it is. But sometimes the extreme is necessary to get us to change our thinking, to get our heads back where they should be. After all, isn’t starving to fit into a particular size pretty extreme? Isn’t crying in a fitting room stall when a size—a number that means nothing—doesn’t fit pretty extreme? You get the next size, you try it on, and if you like the way it looks, you buy it. Don’t give over your power. Then you go home and cut the tags out until your bran can thinking for itself again.

It’s hard to do—to take the scissors to your clothes and cut out the part of them that matters the least. Doesn’t sound like it should be difficult, but it is. But you know, once you do it, there’s no turning back. The numbers will be gone and there’s no putting them back. And maybe you can breathe a little easier…and look at your clothes for what they are—a piece of your style.

Cutting out the tags is similar to getting weighed backwards at the doctor’s office. If you know the number on the scale holds too much weight (no pun intended) in your mind, you’re giving it too much power. Weigh yourself backwards. It’s kind of weird, but nurses and doctors are more used to this request then you might think. Don’t let that number dictate your mood and your well-being.

But it’s hard to do. To be strong enough to turn around, step on a scale, and step off without knowing what number showed up. You think—you’ll be dying to know. You’ll be curious. Well, of course.

Fight it.

It takes a lot of strength. To cut out the tags, to weigh yourself backwards, to let those numbers NOT matter.

But you can do it. You can take that power back. And you’re the only one who can. And when you’re in a better place, those numbers won’t matter so much anymore. And you can look at them again without handing over your power.

Your power is a prize.

Not your size.