You Are Not Your Past

This week's video is about accepting, forgiving, and moving forward. Have you been hurt? Wronged? Abused? Have you done things you are ashamed of? Are you feeling guilty? Whatever the situation, you are not your past. Live in the now.

Difference: A Quick Lesson

If you have 3 minutes, give this a listen. "Difference" is a topic so often discussed, but we forget about some things that truly enhance its meaning. Let's go!

People Pleasing as an Obstacle to Recovery

Comparisons

How to Talk to Specific People About Your Eating Disorder

We've started a new 4 week rotation which will be as follows:

"Eating Disorders & Different Relationships - Disclosure, communication, & dynamics"

Week 1 (beginning May 14): How to talk about your e/d with people who are NOT friends, family, or significant others, i.e. bosses, co-workers, society at large (like blogging), teachers, coaches, etc.

Week 2 (beginning May 21): The purpose of disclosing and/or discussing your e/d with people (even friends and family) - is it for help, for support, to compare, to shock, to explain, etc? Examining the reasons behind disclosure and discussion of your e/d and what is healthy & helpful (& professional as the case may be, like with a boss or coworkers)

Week 3 (beginning May 28): Eating Disorders & Trust - in romantic relationships and/or friendships, there may be trust issues related to disclosure of eating disorders - discuss this and the things that may be helpful in addressing it

Week 4 (beginning June 4): How your relationship with YOURSELF affects your relationship with others - things to touch on may include self esteem (which we've talked about a lot already), personal fears, self hate, vulnerability, dishonesty with yourself, etc.

 

Day #9: Viva La Difference!

If we were all the same, the world would be a pretty boring place. Our differences are what make us beautiful, special, and interesting. This is true. So true. But...

You’ve heard all this before. It sounds clichéd. And it's certainly nothing new.

What we don’t hear as often is that we need differences in our world - different people in our lives - to challenge us. A world in which we’re all the same, a life in which everyone we meet or love or experience is exactly like us holds no challenge. Everything would be middle ground. No happy, no sad, no gamut of emotions. There would be nothing for which to fight, for which to strive, for which to celebrate. Without challenges, there would be no satisfaction.

Without differences, there would be no challenges.

Many of us are able to recognize the beauty in differences, able to understand that letting go of stigmas or prejudices are vital to a better existence. We can see THAT piece of why differences are important. We like to promote it.

The piece that is more difficult to remember is the one concerning judgment.

It feels great and freeing and hopeful and right to say that people who are different make our world interesting. That people who are different make our world special, real. We like to remember that everyone deserves love and acceptance. But we shouldn’t pick and choose which form of “different” we will embrace. There are two sides to every coin. Everyone has a tale. In our every day lives of embracing the beauty in difference, there are times we remain judgmental. We automatically eschew our “acceptance of all” attitude without even realizing it.

We want to live our lives filled with acceptance for those who are different from us – in age, in occupation, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, diagnosis, appearance, etc. So don’t miss the big picture by forgetting about the little things.

So when someone walks by in an outfit you would never EVER wear, don’t think a snide remark to yourself. Remember that person is DIFFERENT.

When your co-worker walks in wearing really expensive clothes or shoes, don’t gossip about how she can or can't afford it. Remember that person is DIFFERENT.

When you see a young teenager pregnant at the mall, don’t shake your head in disgust. Remember that person is DIFFERENT.

When someone wears something you would never wear, owns something you would never own, or does something you would never do, don’t be judgmental – whether it’s aloud or just to yourself. YOU don’t have to wear it...or own it...or do it. And they’re just different. There are two sides to every coin. Everyone has a tale. And if you knew their story or what’s in their heart, you might be able to understand a little bit better than you can in that millisecond when the inevitable judgment kicks in.

Some people can be a challenge. But that is part of the beauty of difference. Without difference, there would be no way to make a distinction between ourselves and everyone else. No way to see our own identities.

And so - when you see that person in the mirror staring back at you, don’t think of something negative or mean or degrading. Don’t be judgmental. Remember – that person is DIFFERENT.

I'm Your Voice of Reason :)

I was thinking a lot last night - about a particular friend, about the world in which we live, and obviously, about eating disorders. I had responded to this friend's post and the more I wrote, the more I realized that the way she is currently feeling is the way a lot of people are currently feeling. There was so much I wanted to tell her and there is so much I want to tell you. So I propped up my webcam and made a quick video. It's below. As usual, click to view on YouTube as embedding has been disabled.

Love to all.

Spreading the Self-Love

There is a trail in my neighborhood that people use for walking and running. It's beautiful--especially in the fall. I have often seen people (mostly women) running there, so it seemed as good a place as any to post a body positive note.

On Thursday, I went for a little run myself, with a pre-written Post-It note in hand. It read:
You are beautiful just as you are. Love your body. I added webiteback.com's web address and my own.

I used a small tack to attach it to a tree that was prominently displayed. (It was a very small tack; I didn't hurt the tree at all.) I ran up to the other end of the trail and as I came to the end, a woman--a very, very, very thin woman--was passing me, heading in the direction of my strategically placed Post-It.

I ran home feeling good.

Arielle

Validation

Earlier this week, I responded to a post at Survivors' Club. It got me thinking.

The post was about validation, needing it, and how to cope. Many people with eating disorders seek validation from others. It's as though their own opinions aren't valid enough. We seek to be what we think will bring us praise from others. Many of us do great things, think "hey I did a pretty good job," then automatically think our own thoughts of validation are not good enough. Accomplishing things can be tough when you constantly look for validation from others. Remember this: It matters most what YOU think and how YOU feel.

But in any case, I came up with a pretty decent way of coping. It's at least worth a shot; it may not work for everyone, but it's certainly a new spin on positive reinforcement. I work through this issue of seeking validation often, and I've discovered something that is helpful. No matter how well I think I have done at something, no matter how much I think I have accomplished, or no matter how much I know that my accomplishment is a good one, I continually seek validation from others. I'm a people-pleaser. I want to be the best. I'm a perfectionist. I know a lot of us are.

So here it is. My little thought that's turned into more...

I know it might sound completely strange, but try to think of yourself as multiple people for a few minutes each day or when you have accomplished something and are seeking validation. Write down your "selves" if it helps. (You will see them more clearly and won't forget anyone!) For example, I would have these:

Me the Writer
Me the Woman
Me the Caseworker
Me the Fiancee
Me the Daughter
Me the Sister
Me the Friend
Me the Artist
Etc.

Figure out all the things you are--and just make them separate selves for a moment. See them all in their own light. Let them separate and become more than one entity. Then see how each of them would react to your current achievement or accomplishment. What would Me the Writer think? What would Me the Daughter think? Etc. It will be (and feel) like validation from others, but really it will be validation from yourself. And trust me, YOU are the essence of any of your own accomplishments, so it's only natural and proper that your own opinion matter most.

This trick is different than just thinking, "Well, I think I did okay/pretty good," since we all know the "I" doesn't always seem like enough validation. So, by making the "I" multiple people, you can feel better in certain cases. At the very least, it seems like a good exercise to practice now and then...and by doing so you will start to feel more and more appreciative and accepting of your own thoughts and opinions. Self-validation, my friends! Easier said than done, I know...

So, try it. You never know what a good start it might be.

Best of luck as always!

Arielle