Maybe you're hurting. Maybe you're numb. I can feel it in your words when I read them in the forums, blogs, Facebook groups, and messages. But your spark is not gone, because I can feel that too. Am I worried? Yes. But am I hopeful? Yes. Always. Why? Because I know you can do this. I know you can beat this thing that for some reason has seen fit to grab hold of you. I know you didn't choose to have an eating disorder, but what's awesome is that you can choose to recover. Be brave, be bold, and make that choice! This world needs you - the whole, beautiful, amazing you...not the hurting, numb, compromised you.
I know you're stronger than your eating disorder. I know you are a fighter. Are you forgetting?
I can't let you forget. I won't let you forget. I can't let you throw away all the progress you've made. You deserve better and recovery is the only "better" there is. Trust me. I know how it is - sometimes a huge part of you wants to just throw in the towel and let the glamorous version of your eating disorder take over. But you are not a quitter. And that glamorous version may scream "You'll be thin!" or "You'll be happy!" or it might spout pleasing numbers at your numbed mind or illustrate pictures of contentment, but it's all fluff. Fallacy.
I've seen what you can accomplish - even from a afar. I've seen what you can do on your own, and with help, and with support. The fact is, you can accomplish a lot and amaze people around you - not by your dwindling physique or your unwavering exercise routine, but by your determination, your true beauty, your intelligence, your passion, your creativity, and your sense of fun.
You have a real sense of fun.
And guess what? It's going to go away. A part of you thinks you'll be happier if you continue down this path of letting the illness and obsession take over... but you're wrong. And I don't want you to find out the hard way.
I know sometimes it all seems like too much. I know sometimes recovery seems too hard, too annoying, too overwhelming, too invasive. And I know that you're screaming inside, "That's not what I want! I want to be thinner! I want to be happier! I want to be in control!' or whatever it is that pesky, devilish voice says to you. But every time you give in to that screaming voice, you're losing a piece of yourself.
And I don't want to see you go.
I'm willing to play hardball and tell you to cut the crap. I'm also willing to love you fiercely and wholly. And you're allowed to vent and rage and cry and freak out. As long as you won't give in to that voice. Deal?
I know it sucks. I know it's hell. But the time to move forward is now. You can do it.
No, you can do it.
NO, you CAN do it.
I love you. Now get to work.