Eating Disorder Recovery: Confidence vs. Pride

This week, I'm happy to share a piece by Lauren Bersaglio over at Libero Network.

I love showing you that there are other positive recovery voices out there besides my own, so I asked Lauren if she'd write about CONFIDENCE and she delivered! In fact, her piece goes so perfectly with my Wednesday Warrior video for this week that I had to post it immediately.

Take it away, Lauren!



 "

Pride:

“A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.”*

Synonyms: conceit, egotism, vanity, vainglory

Confidence:

“Belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.”*

Synonyms:  faith, reliance, dependence

(*definitions found at: dictionary.com)

When Arielle asked me to write on confidence I realized that when it comes to recovery it is difficult to discuss confidence without also discussing pride. See, in recovery there are two voices in your head – your destructive, Eating Disorder voice (commonly referred to as ED); and your constructive, Recovery Voice (this represents your true self). 

Confidence – that’s Recovery language; but Pride, well that’s ED language.  

And when we are fighting off our inner demons, our sense of self is typically not at its highest – and this is when we have the greatest opportunity to develop confidence; however, this is also when we are most vulnerable to developing pride. 

Why is ED so bent on us developing pride? Wouldn’t he prefer we remain insecure? 

Yes and no. Yes, ED would prefer for us to remain insecure; however, it is possible to be insecure while also being prideful. According to the definition offered above, Pride is based on a “[disproportionately high] opinion of one’s merit or superiority”, and in recovery this causes more harm than good.

Pride does not tell you to persevere on the hard days because it would never admit to having a ‘hard day’; it does not tell you that you are worth more than the way you are living, because it sees the way you are living as just fine; it does not tell you that you can have a better life and that others can help you get there, because it does not need others. Instead, it tells you that the hard days ‘weren’t hard at all’, that the way you are living is no worse than anyone else, that your life is just fine, and that you most definitely do not need to seek the help of others – you’ve got this covered on your own, right? 

These are all lies. Lies that keep you in denial. Lies that keep you chained to ED. 

Before I entered into recovery for my Eating Disorder, I was insufferably proud. Despite my lack of confidence, I still believed I knew better than everyone else, that I didn’t need help from anybody else, and that there were a whole lot of people far more screwed up than I was. And even when times got hard (and even downright frightening), I didn’t seek out help – because I was better than that, because I was ‘stronger’ than that. 

Little did I know that this Pride was only keeping me weak. 

And it wasn’t until I got the strength to let go of my pride that I was able to move forward in recovery and gain my life back. 

I was completely defeated – lying on the couch crying, weak, and hungry – and I knew I had nothing to lose, unless I stayed where I was, then I had my entire life to lose. And I realized it was my pride that had taken me to that place. That place where no one, and I mean no one, knew what was going on.

So slowly I began letting go of my pride. I told my professor, and then I staged my own intervention (yup, no jokes). And as I sat there in my living room, surrounded by family and close friends – most of who hardly knew the severity of what was going on – I said: “I don’t want to stop. But I want to want to stop. And I need your help.” 

They stayed with me for three hours that night – praying for me, listening to me, and encouraging me. And it was in that moment that the pride I had been holding on to so tightly began to disappear and confidence moved in to take its place. 

Confidence told me that I did deserve better than how I was living. It told me that I had been wrong, but that was OK, because now I was on the right path. It told me that I could recover, and that I was worth it, too. And most importantly, it let me know that it was ok to ask for help. 

Along with my pride also went my vanity. 

See, with ED I fluctuated between seeing myself as ugly and horrible, to seeing myself as All That. Vanity led me to the scale, tape measure, and mirror dozens of times a day. Vanity led me to compare myself to every other girl in the room. Vanity took away my True Beauty. 

But now (despite what some may think because of all my Instagram headshots!) I am not vain, but I do have confidence. I love myself for who I am, and the way that I am. I have learnt to accept my body (which was not easy, but was SO worth it). Now, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my moments of insecurity (I am, after all, only human), but it is this newly found confidence that is able to shout even louder than these lies and shoot them down before they can settle in.

And so my question for you is this: are you proud, or do you have confidence? 

If you are letting Pride control you, you need to realize this is what ED wants. So start fighting back, because YOU are strong, YOU are beautiful, and YOU are worth recovery…and you CAN do it - be confident in that!  

Here are some ways you can begin letting go of your pride:

•          Be honest with yourself when you are having a rough day and reach out to someone
•          Tell your counsellor/therapist about your recent slip-ups/relapse
•         Develop self-awareness: don’t stay in denial of the existence or severity of your struggles
•         Share your struggles with a trusted friend or family member and receive their support – remember, this doesn’t mean you are weak, this means you are strong and confident enough in yourself that you know accepting help from others doesn’t threaten who/what you are
•         Avoid things that feed into vanity: stop comparing yourself to others, stop obsessing over your appearance each morning before you leave the house, stop thinking you’re ‘All That’ – because you know when the pendulum swings the other way, you’ll be calling yourself ugly. Instead, see yourself as Beautiful (inside & out)

Here are some ways to begin developing confidence: 

•        Allow others to build into your life and show you who they see you as: beautiful, strong, capable 
•         Accept compliments, and believe them
•        STOP weighing/measuring yourself. Just stop. NOW. There is no reason to do this unless it is under professional supervision (and then you may even be able to request to not be told what the numbers are)
•        Spend time looking at yourself in the mirror. Really. But not in the way you used to – look in the mirror and point out all the things you LOVE about yourself. But the minute EDs critical voice begins to whisper, WALK AWAY
•        Write down things you love about yourself & inspiring reminders and post them on ALL of your mirrors, your fridge, your door etc… 
•         Listen to music that gives you a sense of worth, confidence, & strength. Some of my favourites: “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera, “Hello” by Christina Aguilera, “The Voice Within” by Christina Aguilera, “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato, “Believe in Me” by Demi Lovato, “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World, “Concrete Girl” by Switchfoot.

 "

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights, Lauren. I'm proud of you - and I mean that in a completely positive way. ;-) I'm also confident that you will continue to do great things.

 

Lauren Bersaglio is the Founding President & Editor of Libero Network (www.liberonetwork.com) – an online magazine & resource site for those recovering from eating disorders, depression, addiction, anxiety, and abuse. Lauren also writes on her personal blog www.laurenbersaglio.com. You can contacter her at: laurenb[at]liberonetwork.com and follow her on Twitter @lauren_b_sag

How to Celebrate Your Good Qualities and Confidence

This week's topic continues our 4 week rotation all about YOU.

Last week, I talked about 

Today's video touches on: How to Celebrate Your Good Qualities & Talents - It's okay to be proud of yourself, to think you're SMART, FUN, THOUGHTFUL, MUSICALLY TALENTED, ATHLETIC, etc. And it's even okay to celebrate it!!!! Don't sell yourself short, but also don't pretend you're less than you are just because you think it's more socially acceptable! There is a difference between being self-absorbed and self-confident!

TA DA!

Each year, for the anniversary of the site, I typically give it a fresh look. Well, ACTIVELY   ARIELLE won't turn 5 until October, but instead of waiting 2 more months, I decided to give the site its new look today.

I decided to keep the same words in the header, but opted for a new pic with more of a smile to fit with the positive atmosphere. :-) I also changed up the colors, going with a more simplistic look, where the words and images shown here will have to speak for themselves.

I wanted to steer away from anything too busy or distracting. I want this to be a calm space, waiting for whoever chooses to visit. I want this to be a clean, fresh, unmarred space with energy on the pages.

In other news, I'm hoping to showcase some new Recovery Cats in the coming weeks. Currently, there are 33 delightful cats, all available on a variety of products (magnets, mugs, art prints, photo prints, greeting cards, postcards, mousepads, and coasters!).

The Print Shop is here: Arielle's Recovery Cats.

Recovery is the cat's meow. :-)

Exit to Make a Return to Yourself

My fabulous friend Tracey, at Just As I Am, has been facilitating a great blogging program for interested bloggers in recovery. The weekly prompts can be found at Blogging for Wellbeing and it's a wonderful way for the eating disorder recovery community to gain support, share wisdom, and use their individual voices!

This week, I wanted to pop into the Blogging for Wellbeing mix with a little something.

Last week's blog prompt was "Self" and this week's is "Beauty." To me, those two go together, creating a union that is unstoppable. When I saw each of the blog prompts, I was reminded of a poem I wrote some years ago. Though the title of it is "Exit," it's really about beginning anew. "Exit" refers to leaving one thing in order to jump full-force into something better. To me, it's about the self and it's also about beauty... beauty OF the self, beauty of life, beauty of the power within. Thanks, Tracey, for reminding me of this poem and for the opportunity to share it with others.

Exit

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like a flash of light

That shone once and was gone.

Safer to go than to stay,

Better to learn than to wait,

I’m going.  I’m flying.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

Out of my life and into my dreams,

Born once again,

I’m running away.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like a gust of wind

You feel only for an instant.

I’m ready to jump,

I’m ready to fall,

I’m ready to go.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

To care for myself,

To leap into the unexpected,

To grow like a flower in the rain.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like the moon leaves

In the morning light.

Like rain that falls from full clouds,

My thoughts cascade and flow

Into carved paths time digs into the ground.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

Leaves fall and bloom again in spring;

So do our spirits fall, only to again

Be replenished with happiness.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like the seeds

Leave the swaying trees.

Like a seed, bursting from earth

So I have grown too,

A flower not yet fully blossomed.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

Promise is there—

The promise to experience

With a face upturned toward the sun.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving like yesterday

That turns into tomorrow.

Exit—here I go,

I’m leaving and I’m coming back

A new woman.

© Arielle Lee Bair 2006

Self-Imposed Limitations

A new 4 week rotation has begun!

This week, I'm talking about how to be true to yourself despite...life circumstances, what other people say/do, your own limitations (legit ones, not self-imposed ones), etc. I'm also talking about how this plays into making goals, achieving dreams, and feeling authentic. "Instead of saying I Wish, Say I Will" - that kind of learned mentality.

Rewarding Yourself

Take pride in your recovery, your achievements, your very survival!

And celebrate it by being kind to yourself!

Being Free

This week's Wednesday Warrior video is entitled "Being Free."

So watch it. Believe in yourself. And BE FREE. :-)