On to the next question, one I received from Kia:
"I have got this problem with my anorexia: whenever I'm underweight I like my body and I feel well with myself, but I know it's not healthy for my body, so (with the help of my nutritionist) I gain weight and I get to my set-point weight. But when I get to my set-point weight, I don't like my body, I'm sad and nervous, so I start restricting again, and I go underweight. Whenever I'm underweight... go back to the beginning and read all this several times, as it's all my life in the last 6 years.
How can I like my body when I have my set-point weight?
How can I break this vicious cycle?"
The problem may be an obsession with numbers. It shouldn't be so much about the weight as it should be about being healthy and well. Is there anyway you can stop knowing the number? Get rid of a scale. Let your nutritionist weigh you, but don't let her tell you what your weight is. That way, she will know how well you're doing, if you're gaining or losing, but you won't have to start feeling badly about yourself, because you will be unaware of the actual number.
I know a lot of the time, we can start to feel unhappy with our bodies as we know the number goes up. But if you simply start looking healthy, perhaps you will not hate it as much if you don't see a number on a regular or frequent basis. Part of the reason you like your body when you are underweight could be because you know you are underweight. And that in itself is not healthy. It sounds like part of the reason you dislike your body when you get to your set weight is because you know you have reached your set weight. That is scary for you. It's a number you never wanted to be, perhaps.
Stop thinking of your set weight as a number. Get rid of the numbers in your life. Realize that being healthy is the only way you can live your life. Happiness may not immediately follow being healthy. You can even prepare yourself for being UNhappy when you have reached your set weight. But the unhappiness won't last if you try to accept the set weight and DO NOT allow yourself to restrict. You have the willpower. You have to understand that you may not like gaining weight (many people do not), but you have to do it anyway for a time. And the rest will follow. It is MUCH easier to keep your mind happy and healthy if your body is healthy too.
If you are at a set weight for a short period of time (weeks, a few months) before you begin restricting and turning to old ways, it's simply not enough time to adjust to your healthy weight and come to terms with everything that surrounds it. You never give yourself that chance. You are robbing yourself of progression. You cannot progress in recovering if you keep sabotaging yourself.
It may take a lot of pain and tears and frustration, but if you can allow yourself to stick with the healthy weight for longer than you have, you may find that things do not stay as difficult as you have found them to be. Often, when we are underweight, we are happy with our appearance, but we are not really happy in all things. What you want is total happiness, not just happiness with a body you are forcing into a lower than natural weight.
I know the cycle continues almost without you realizing—believe me, I've been there—but in order to break it, you have to be conscious. Extremely conscious. You have to make yourself stick with it. Employ the assistance of your nutritionist, your therapist, your significant other, your family members, your best friend—whatever it takes. When you hit that healthy weight, you KNOW what will happen. Because you've done it many times before. So you KNOW what to look for. You KNOW what to stop. This is a strength, not a weakness. Turn your thinking around.
It's not all about a number. The weight is silly. Focus on being healthy, and forget the scale. There are professionals who can monitor your weight for you right now without you having to do so. Best of luck!