Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008

2007 is over now and it was the healthiest year I've had in a long long time. Even as a kid I know I often was far too skinny for my own good, though I wasn't yet aware of the way in which my issues were manifesting themselves. I was feeling so thankful for having such a great year--a year of health and happiness, complete with an engagement, buying a new home with my fiance, and planning my wedding...then I realized--I'm not just thankful--I'm proud of myself too.

I'd go as far as to say that 2007 was my best year to date. I know that part of that is because of all the wonderful things this year has brought me, but a large part of it is because I was in a good place...a place where I could enjoy them. I was not obsessive, I was not anxious, and I was not unhappy. It took work to get to this place. I think, at times, I felt I was there before I really was. But now, I know that I can safely say I am in a good place. A place of which I can be proud. A place I can call home. I place I can call life.

At about 25 pounds heavier than my lowest weight, I feel healthy. I like my body. I still have my moments where I grimace when I look in the mirror or where I sigh when putting on a pair of pants, but these moments are fleeting and I do not think about them after. I think a lot of women, eating disordered or not, feel this way sometimes. But all in all, I like my body the way it is. It's pretty. It's me.

I'm still considered slender, but I have breasts now. I have shiny hair. I have legs that have shape. I eat right, I have snacks when I want to, and I work out--but not in excess. I'm taking care of myself. My stomach is still flat, but now I have enough body fat to be able to have a child. Before, when my body fat percentage was dangerously low, it would have been impossible to conceive. I had to buy new pants. It stung a bit at first, but in the long run, I'm glad. I told my best friend proudly that I had to get rid of some size 0s and 1s that used to be big on me because I couldn't even zip them up. I rejoiced in filling out my bras again. I look good, not ill. But most of all, I look happy.

I looked at old photos the other night...photos in which my collar bones jutted out grotesquely and my face looked drawn. I saw photos of me--of a concave stomach, a torso with protruding ribs, legs that were sticks and not feminine. I was so sad for that girl. Until I realized that girl is me--and I'm okay now! Better than okay. I don't know if it's strange or not, but I keep those old pictures of myself in a special folder on my computer so I can look at them when I want to love the body I have now. When I want to remember what it was like to be sad, dejected, hungry, and plagued by something I could not shake.

And now, when I look at those photos, I can tell that poor girl that it's going to be okay. Because it is. It really is.

Taking a Step

Each day, I wonder how I got to where I am now. And then I remember: I fought my way here with words and realizations and a dream of happiness. I used my writing to express what was going on inside my body. Inside my head. Inside my heart. I set reasonable goals that--even though they didn't seem reasonable at the time--acted as beacons of light in a vast darkness.

Every struggle I dealt with made me stronger. It sounds cliche, but it's true. And with every new thread of strength I gained, I had a better foundation on which to build my health, my happiness, and MY LIFE.

It takes really opening your eyes. Really seeing. Understanding the feelings within. Being honest with who you are and who you want to be.

You might say, "Well, I really want to be thin, or thinner, or prettier, or more fit, etc. But you only say that because you think it will make you happy. It won't.

And besides, that's just focusing on your body, not your soul. Your soul...your mind...your SELF is the essence of you. Maybe you can achieve a goal of being thin or whatever it is you desire to be, but you may lose your self in the process. Or you may never find it.

Do you really want to live your life in an empty shell? Even if that shell happens to be pretty, or thin, or fit, etc.?

Reach into yourself...and pull your self out...

And I promise, you'll look BEAUTIFUL.

The Desire to Be Thin is Weighing Heavily Upon Us

I guess it's even come to this now: '"Diabulimics' shun insulin to get thin"

It's terrible--this desire to be thin; I always thought it was possible that things would become this bad, but it still makes me sad to read this article.

What are your thoughts about it?

Arielle