This week starts a new 4 week rotation, during which I will be discussing 4 huge obstacles to achieving full recovery: perfectionism, people-pleasing, stigmas, and defensiveness. Today's video is devoted to the topic of perfectionism, specifically as a recovery roadblock. Stay tuned for the next 3 weeks, during which the other topics will be discussed at length.
Showing posts with label perfectionism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perfectionism. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The "Perfect" Recovery
And last week's video: THE "PERFECT" RECOVERY.
This is a really important one. This notion of the "perfect" recovery can be so detrimental to recovery itself. Don't compare yourself to others and don't compare your recovery to anyone else's recovery!
This is a really important one. This notion of the "perfect" recovery can be so detrimental to recovery itself. Don't compare yourself to others and don't compare your recovery to anyone else's recovery!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Boundaries!
Here's my Wednesday video - put it up this morning. This week's topic is:
What are boundaries? Where are my boundaries and how will I know if they've been crossed?
It's an important topic and one to which you should give some thought. It relates to eating disorders and eating disordered individuals in a variety of ways. And it's definitely a good subject for Eating Disorder Awareness Week.
As usual, click to view on YouTube as embedding has been disabled. :)
What are boundaries? Where are my boundaries and how will I know if they've been crossed?
It's an important topic and one to which you should give some thought. It relates to eating disorders and eating disordered individuals in a variety of ways. And it's definitely a good subject for Eating Disorder Awareness Week.
As usual, click to view on YouTube as embedding has been disabled. :)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Question # 15: Perfectionism
I've finally resumed! The next question is from Veggie. She asks:
"What do you think about the role of the perfectionism in EDs? (Moreover, in anorexia?)
Have you got some tricks to be not overwhelmed from perfectionism? I've asked this because I'm a 'perfectionist' and I've got some problems to split the 'healthy perfectionism' - which is part of my character - from the 'anorexia perfectionism' - which plays a great part in the maintenance of my anorexia..."
GOOD question. I actually did a YouTube video called "Perfection & Imperfection" seven months ago. I'm going to put that video here, so if you don't want to read through the post, you can just watch me talk sternly at you in my smiley, perfectionism-is-crap, Arielle-ish way. But for Veggie's sake I've taken the liberty of writing out the majority of what I say in the video, since I know English isn't her first language and I understand how hard it can be to understand someone in a video when you'd prefer to just read their words at your own pace. I'm also aware that I have a fair number of other viewers who don't speak English as a first language, so I figured this way the words are below the video as well.
So many people, eating disordered or not, are just so engrossed with this topic of perfection and imperfection. And it can really become an obsession, whether it's body image related, beauty related, achievement related. You can even go as far as "grade" (referring to school) related. There are so many things to be obsessed about where flaws are concerned. And it's a really unfortunate thing that people are obsessed with this, because it takes away from living your life.
I was extremely obsessed with being perfect in a wide variety of categories. I had your typical perfectionist, anorexic mindset. That's a little stereotypical, but it is very true that eating disordered people tend to be perfectionists or at least have somewhat of an obsessive mindset.
Not only does everyone have imperfections, but everyone has problems, issues... If you feel that you're the only one, that's where you're going to run into that fear of being imperfect. You can learn to embrace your imperfections if you don't think of them as imperfections. "Imperfections" sounds like such an ugly word and sometimes just stereotypes or stigma around a word can really change our perception about it.
So how do you come to terms with not being perfect? Honestly, it can take a while. There are definitely still days when I don't like something about myself, the way I did something, or when I wonder what other people think... but I've come a long way from where I used to be and I'm so much happier because of it. Letting go of this "having to be perfect" attitude is going to really, really benefit you. But you have to stick with it, because this question--at the heart--is "how do I come to terms with not being perfect?" That's where any of my "tricks" would come in. The only way to "not be overwhelmed by perfectionism," as Veggie puts it, is to accept our imperfections and realize FULLY that no one is perfect. No one. And our imperfections don't have to be something NEGATIVE.
You have to remember that nobody's perfect, and I know that's such a typical, cliched statement, but it's so true. Nobody is perfect. Perfect does not exact. (Yep, you heard me.) And imperfections are so much more beautiful than perfection is. (Okay, now you're thinking I'm crazy... but it's true! I really believe this!) In order to come to terms with not being perfect, you have to really embrace the good qualities you have. You have to really learn to love all the good things about yourself. And once you've done that (which even THAT can take a while), then you have to start to embrace your flaws. (Sounds thrilling, doesn't it? But hear me out...)
That's not to say that you shouldn't continually be trying to make yourself a better person; I think that's something that everyone sort of strives for in their lives. I mean, they know that they're not so great at something...or they know that they could change their attitudes about something... and they want to make themselves better... and that's very good and very commendable...AS LONG AS THE GOAL, ultimately, IS NOT PERFECTION.
Perfection is not achievable, so essentially, you're setting yourself up for failure from the get-go.
You need to let go of that whole perfection thing.
Perfection is a fallacy. Next, you must learn to accept your own imperfections as normal...because they are normal. And I'll tell you why. No matter how alone you might feel about a certain flaw or imperfection that you have, you're not alone. Just think how lonely having an eating disorder is. And think how alone you felt at certain points throughout your struggle...or even how alone you still do feel. But are you alone?
I mean, I made this video for a recovery collaboration that has over 600 subscribers and even more viewers. If you're reading this, you are among hundreds of visitors to my blog. And that's just a tiny microcosm of the world. There are A LOT of people with eating disorders out there. And even though at one time or another we might feel alone because we have one, we know we're not. You have to remind yourself: YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
Put the same strategy towards perfectionism. Use logic. Whatever your imperfection might be (today, tomorrow, 5 minutes from now), whether it's about a body part--being too big, too small, too this, too that--somebody else out there (and most likely, MANY, MANY other people) have that same imperfection.
And to be quite honest with you, who's to say it's an imperfection? I mean, especially if lots of people have it. And maybe, if by some major miracle, you are in fact the ONLY person who has that particular imperfection...isn't that more special? More unique? Think about it.
And I know all imperfections people worry over have nothing to do with the body. Maybe you wish you were smarter, prettier, tanner, taller, shorter...the list can go on and on. And chances are if you really sat there and thought about all the things you wanted to change about yourself, you might have a pretty long list. But again, remember: Everybody out there has SOMETHING they don't like about themselves. Everybody out there has an imperfection, or many.
You have to tell yourself to cut the crap sometimes. And just stand there in front of the mirror and say to yourself (sternly): "I'm not perfect...but I'm fine just the way I am."
From one (recovered) perfectionist--haha--to another, the role of perfectionism in eating disorders can be huge, but you can accept and grow, and soon your imperfections won't seem like a bad thing anymore.
"What do you think about the role of the perfectionism in EDs? (Moreover, in anorexia?)
Have you got some tricks to be not overwhelmed from perfectionism? I've asked this because I'm a 'perfectionist' and I've got some problems to split the 'healthy perfectionism' - which is part of my character - from the 'anorexia perfectionism' - which plays a great part in the maintenance of my anorexia..."
GOOD question. I actually did a YouTube video called "Perfection & Imperfection" seven months ago. I'm going to put that video here, so if you don't want to read through the post, you can just watch me talk sternly at you in my smiley, perfectionism-is-crap, Arielle-ish way. But for Veggie's sake I've taken the liberty of writing out the majority of what I say in the video, since I know English isn't her first language and I understand how hard it can be to understand someone in a video when you'd prefer to just read their words at your own pace. I'm also aware that I have a fair number of other viewers who don't speak English as a first language, so I figured this way the words are below the video as well.
So many people, eating disordered or not, are just so engrossed with this topic of perfection and imperfection. And it can really become an obsession, whether it's body image related, beauty related, achievement related. You can even go as far as "grade" (referring to school) related. There are so many things to be obsessed about where flaws are concerned. And it's a really unfortunate thing that people are obsessed with this, because it takes away from living your life.
I was extremely obsessed with being perfect in a wide variety of categories. I had your typical perfectionist, anorexic mindset. That's a little stereotypical, but it is very true that eating disordered people tend to be perfectionists or at least have somewhat of an obsessive mindset.
Not only does everyone have imperfections, but everyone has problems, issues... If you feel that you're the only one, that's where you're going to run into that fear of being imperfect. You can learn to embrace your imperfections if you don't think of them as imperfections. "Imperfections" sounds like such an ugly word and sometimes just stereotypes or stigma around a word can really change our perception about it.
So how do you come to terms with not being perfect? Honestly, it can take a while. There are definitely still days when I don't like something about myself, the way I did something, or when I wonder what other people think... but I've come a long way from where I used to be and I'm so much happier because of it. Letting go of this "having to be perfect" attitude is going to really, really benefit you. But you have to stick with it, because this question--at the heart--is "how do I come to terms with not being perfect?" That's where any of my "tricks" would come in. The only way to "not be overwhelmed by perfectionism," as Veggie puts it, is to accept our imperfections and realize FULLY that no one is perfect. No one. And our imperfections don't have to be something NEGATIVE.
You have to remember that nobody's perfect, and I know that's such a typical, cliched statement, but it's so true. Nobody is perfect. Perfect does not exact. (Yep, you heard me.) And imperfections are so much more beautiful than perfection is. (Okay, now you're thinking I'm crazy... but it's true! I really believe this!) In order to come to terms with not being perfect, you have to really embrace the good qualities you have. You have to really learn to love all the good things about yourself. And once you've done that (which even THAT can take a while), then you have to start to embrace your flaws. (Sounds thrilling, doesn't it? But hear me out...)
That's not to say that you shouldn't continually be trying to make yourself a better person; I think that's something that everyone sort of strives for in their lives. I mean, they know that they're not so great at something...or they know that they could change their attitudes about something... and they want to make themselves better... and that's very good and very commendable...AS LONG AS THE GOAL, ultimately, IS NOT PERFECTION.
Perfection is not achievable, so essentially, you're setting yourself up for failure from the get-go.
You need to let go of that whole perfection thing.
Perfection is a fallacy. Next, you must learn to accept your own imperfections as normal...because they are normal. And I'll tell you why. No matter how alone you might feel about a certain flaw or imperfection that you have, you're not alone. Just think how lonely having an eating disorder is. And think how alone you felt at certain points throughout your struggle...or even how alone you still do feel. But are you alone?
I mean, I made this video for a recovery collaboration that has over 600 subscribers and even more viewers. If you're reading this, you are among hundreds of visitors to my blog. And that's just a tiny microcosm of the world. There are A LOT of people with eating disorders out there. And even though at one time or another we might feel alone because we have one, we know we're not. You have to remind yourself: YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
Put the same strategy towards perfectionism. Use logic. Whatever your imperfection might be (today, tomorrow, 5 minutes from now), whether it's about a body part--being too big, too small, too this, too that--somebody else out there (and most likely, MANY, MANY other people) have that same imperfection.
And to be quite honest with you, who's to say it's an imperfection? I mean, especially if lots of people have it. And maybe, if by some major miracle, you are in fact the ONLY person who has that particular imperfection...isn't that more special? More unique? Think about it.
And I know all imperfections people worry over have nothing to do with the body. Maybe you wish you were smarter, prettier, tanner, taller, shorter...the list can go on and on. And chances are if you really sat there and thought about all the things you wanted to change about yourself, you might have a pretty long list. But again, remember: Everybody out there has SOMETHING they don't like about themselves. Everybody out there has an imperfection, or many.
You have to tell yourself to cut the crap sometimes. And just stand there in front of the mirror and say to yourself (sternly): "I'm not perfect...but I'm fine just the way I am."
From one (recovered) perfectionist--haha--to another, the role of perfectionism in eating disorders can be huge, but you can accept and grow, and soon your imperfections won't seem like a bad thing anymore.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Heart of the Matter
Why can't the body you have be right? Why isn't your body right?
You might say:
Because it's too fat.
OR
Because it's too ugly.
You might say:
Because it's too short.
OR
Because it's too disproportionate.
You might say:
Because it's too flabby.
OR
Because it's too scrawny.
But what you really mean is:
Because it's mine.
I mean, think about that for a solid minute. It's true, isn't it? The reason you really hate your body isn't because it's too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that. Because, let's face it, you're a lot more forgiving of all those things when you see them somewhere else besides on YOU.
You hate your body because it's yours. Get to the heart of the matter. You have to go within to channel your hate into something positive. Changing what you dislike about your body isn't really the way to stop hating it.
Ask. Answer.
Why can't the body you have be right?
Why isn't your body right?
Because it's mine.
So, what are you going to do about it?
You might say:
Because it's too fat.
OR
Because it's too ugly.
You might say:
Because it's too short.
OR
Because it's too disproportionate.
You might say:
Because it's too flabby.
OR
Because it's too scrawny.
But what you really mean is:
Because it's mine.
I mean, think about that for a solid minute. It's true, isn't it? The reason you really hate your body isn't because it's too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that. Because, let's face it, you're a lot more forgiving of all those things when you see them somewhere else besides on YOU.
You hate your body because it's yours. Get to the heart of the matter. You have to go within to channel your hate into something positive. Changing what you dislike about your body isn't really the way to stop hating it.
Ask. Answer.
Why can't the body you have be right?
Why isn't your body right?
Because it's mine.
So, what are you going to do about it?
Saturday, November 24, 2007
So Damn Beautiful Rant
I’m so damn beautiful
That I think I’m ugly.
That said, the spirit of me
Is hard to contain.
Girl, you’ll be a woman soon.
Woman, you’ll be a girl again.
Remember to reinforce me,
Jealousy is natural,
I have done nothing wrong.
I declare my sentiments:
I’m so damn beautiful
That I think I’m wrong.
Multi-generational packs of women
Stare at me because I’m me.
They don’t know I’m beautiful.
They don’t know I’m ugly.
They ratify against me,
Volunteer to fix me,
Wish they were like me.
I lament the prevalence of me,
Wish I was smaller,
Less less less,
Hidden away from everyone.
I’m so damn beautiful
That I think I’m crazy.
I lament the lack of me,
Wish I was bolder,
More more more,
Ubiquitous and flashy.
I’m so damn beautiful
That I think I’m ugly.
I buy right into the eyes
That search me out
And strive to dissipate
My sense of humor.
The tip of the iceberg:
I’m so damn beautiful
That I think I’m not me.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Validation
Earlier this week, I responded to a post at Survivors' Club. It got me thinking.
The post was about validation, needing it, and how to cope. Many people with eating disorders seek validation from others. It's as though their own opinions aren't valid enough. We seek to be what we think will bring us praise from others. Many of us do great things, think "hey I did a pretty good job," then automatically think our own thoughts of validation are not good enough. Accomplishing things can be tough when you constantly look for validation from others. Remember this: It matters most what YOU think and how YOU feel.
But in any case, I came up with a pretty decent way of coping. It's at least worth a shot; it may not work for everyone, but it's certainly a new spin on positive reinforcement. I work through this issue of seeking validation often, and I've discovered something that is helpful. No matter how well I think I have done at something, no matter how much I think I have accomplished, or no matter how much I know that my accomplishment is a good one, I continually seek validation from others. I'm a people-pleaser. I want to be the best. I'm a perfectionist. I know a lot of us are.
So here it is. My little thought that's turned into more...
I know it might sound completely strange, but try to think of yourself as multiple people for a few minutes each day or when you have accomplished something and are seeking validation. Write down your "selves" if it helps. (You will see them more clearly and won't forget anyone!) For example, I would have these:
Me the Writer
Me the Woman
Me the Caseworker
Me the Fiancee
Me the Daughter
Me the Sister
Me the Friend
Me the Artist
Etc.
Figure out all the things you are--and just make them separate selves for a moment. See them all in their own light. Let them separate and become more than one entity. Then see how each of them would react to your current achievement or accomplishment. What would Me the Writer think? What would Me the Daughter think? Etc. It will be (and feel) like validation from others, but really it will be validation from yourself. And trust me, YOU are the essence of any of your own accomplishments, so it's only natural and proper that your own opinion matter most.
This trick is different than just thinking, "Well, I think I did okay/pretty good," since we all know the "I" doesn't always seem like enough validation. So, by making the "I" multiple people, you can feel better in certain cases. At the very least, it seems like a good exercise to practice now and then...and by doing so you will start to feel more and more appreciative and accepting of your own thoughts and opinions. Self-validation, my friends! Easier said than done, I know...
So, try it. You never know what a good start it might be.
Best of luck as always!
Arielle
The post was about validation, needing it, and how to cope. Many people with eating disorders seek validation from others. It's as though their own opinions aren't valid enough. We seek to be what we think will bring us praise from others. Many of us do great things, think "hey I did a pretty good job," then automatically think our own thoughts of validation are not good enough. Accomplishing things can be tough when you constantly look for validation from others. Remember this: It matters most what YOU think and how YOU feel.
But in any case, I came up with a pretty decent way of coping. It's at least worth a shot; it may not work for everyone, but it's certainly a new spin on positive reinforcement. I work through this issue of seeking validation often, and I've discovered something that is helpful. No matter how well I think I have done at something, no matter how much I think I have accomplished, or no matter how much I know that my accomplishment is a good one, I continually seek validation from others. I'm a people-pleaser. I want to be the best. I'm a perfectionist. I know a lot of us are.
So here it is. My little thought that's turned into more...
I know it might sound completely strange, but try to think of yourself as multiple people for a few minutes each day or when you have accomplished something and are seeking validation. Write down your "selves" if it helps. (You will see them more clearly and won't forget anyone!) For example, I would have these:
Me the Writer
Me the Woman
Me the Caseworker
Me the Fiancee
Me the Daughter
Me the Sister
Me the Friend
Me the Artist
Etc.
Figure out all the things you are--and just make them separate selves for a moment. See them all in their own light. Let them separate and become more than one entity. Then see how each of them would react to your current achievement or accomplishment. What would Me the Writer think? What would Me the Daughter think? Etc. It will be (and feel) like validation from others, but really it will be validation from yourself. And trust me, YOU are the essence of any of your own accomplishments, so it's only natural and proper that your own opinion matter most.
This trick is different than just thinking, "Well, I think I did okay/pretty good," since we all know the "I" doesn't always seem like enough validation. So, by making the "I" multiple people, you can feel better in certain cases. At the very least, it seems like a good exercise to practice now and then...and by doing so you will start to feel more and more appreciative and accepting of your own thoughts and opinions. Self-validation, my friends! Easier said than done, I know...
So, try it. You never know what a good start it might be.
Best of luck as always!
Arielle
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)