How to Compliment Yourself!

This week's Wednesday video: How to Compliment Yourself! And it's only 1 minute. ONE minute. :-)

Emotional Abuse, Validation, and Identity

Progression of Positive (Affirmations)

Today, I'd like to tell you a story.

It's about why I believe wholeheartedly in the power of positive affirmations.

About 8 years ago, University of Delaware, my undergraduate alma mater, held a Love Your Body week. I know many of you are familiar with this. One of the items that was being handed out was a door-hanger that read: BEAUTY IS NOT A STATE OF BODY. IT'S A STATE OF MIND.

I loved it from the second I saw it, but in a hopeful way. I wanted to soak up the wisdom of that statement. I wanted to wake up with a smile every morning knowing it was really true. In short, I had an eating disorder coupled with intense self-perception problems, and that door-hanger made me feel good.

So I took it back to the dorm with me. And I hung it on my door. And I looked at it every day. And I wrote "BEAUTY IS NOT A STATE OF BODY. IT'S A STATE OF MIND" in my notebooks in class. And I wrote it in my journal. And I tried to remember it when I looked in the mirror and hated the image of the girl looking back at me.

Sometime shortly after that, I happened upon this quote by Janis Joplin:

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."

I really, really liked it. I read it and knew instinctively that it was true. At the end of the day, it's only you. If you give up everything, there's still you. If something or someone takes everything away from you, you're still left. You are all you've got.

So I decided that compromising myself, as Janis put it, was going to have to end. I wasn't stupid - I knew I couldn't make a decision like that and automatically stick to it. I also knew that as much as I might want to love myself and believe in myself and think I was great/smart/pretty/special, it wasn't going to happen overnight. I wished I had a Janis Joplin magic wand that I could aim at myself and suddenly embody that quote of hers.

I did the best thing I could think of that would instill her words in my brain and her message in my heart. I printed out that quote and I stuck it on my mirror. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw that quote. Every time I thought self-hating things about my body, that quote was there in the image too, reminding me that I shouldn't compromise myself because I am all I have.

That quote stayed on my mirror for years. I moved it around with me from place to place, even from mirror to mirror. Sometimes another quote of merit joined it for a time, but always that Janis Joplin message was there. I began to think of it like an item on a To-Do List. Like, "Don't forget the milk." Instead, it was, "Don't forget - don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got." 

You can't read something multiple times a day (especially at your most vulnerable and self-hating moments in front of the mirror) and not start to believe it and take it to heart. 

It started to work its magic, slowly but surely. Years later, when I moved into my first house with Rick, I framed my little Janis Joplin quote and hung it in my bathroom - next to the mirror. It's still there. It's no longer a reminder not to compromise myself. Now, it's a reminder of my journey and path to self-love.

I look in the mirror and smile. I see that Arielle woman in the glass and I like her. I like her face, I like her body, I like her stance on life. I've come a long way from that girl who criticized every inch of herself...that girl who thought she needed a tan, shinier hair, more muscle, more height... that girl who thought she was too fat, too big...that girl who told herself she had dry skin, dull hair, small breasts, not-white-enough teeth, and even went as far as to make the declaration that her eyelashes were too short.

I'm confident. I'm brave. I'm great. I'm beautiful. I'm me. And I don't and won't compromise myself. I'm all I've got. So I don't need that quote on my mirror to remind me anymore. But I keep it...because sometimes... I like to see it there next to my reflection in the mirror and say, "Thanks, Janis."

I

You are Beautiful!

You remember my post about the Beauty Message Challenge? Well, my 10 days have elapsed and I'm ready to share them with you. (A video post will follow later this weekend.)

Day One

I posted two messages about The Beauty Message Challenge on the Facebook profiles of 2 beautiful women, telling them in frank terms that they are beautiful no matter what size they are and that no one is beautiful the way they are.

I also went to dinner with my friend Beth and gave her a little speech right outside the restaurant as we waited for a table to free up. This is what I told her:

Day Two

I posted two messages about The Beauty Message Challenge on the Facebook profiles of 2 more beautiful women, telling them in frank terms that they are beautiful because they are one of a kind and very strong.

I also called my mother and told her over the phone what The Beauty Message Challenge was all about - and that I was doing my own spin on it. "So Mom," I said, "I wanted to tell you that YOU are beautiful. And the reason..." She began to laugh, which interrupted me. "Mom, why are you laughing? Don't laugh at me. I'm being serious. You are beautiful and I'm not afraid to tell you." She quieted. I continued, "The reason you are beautiful is because you are funny and you're not afraid to be yourself. You look great for your age, you're pretty and--"

It was around this time that she interrupted again. She said, "You're going to make me cry in the middle of Target."

To which I said, "That would be kind of cool," and chuckled. But then continued, "And you've always been a wonderful mother and I love you."

Day Three

I found the most beautiful(!) card for my friend Jen. It's made by Blue Mountain Arts and they might as well be making cards for The Beauty Message Challenge, because it (and others like it) were perfect for my purposes this week, as you can see.

I popped it in the mail to Jen with a typed page explaining further reasons why she is beautiful and describing The Beauty Message Challenge. I also sent her a CD I hope will be a peaceful gift. Jen is beautiful AND planning her wedding (next month!) right now, so she definitely deserves to hear both the words written in the card and the CD.

I then posted two more messages on the Facebook profiles of two new beautiful women, letting them know they are beautiful, strong, and wonderful.

Day Four

I mailed a special card to my best friend, Libes. It said what I wanted it to say - and what it didn't say, I wrote in myself. :) What did I add? That she's beautiful because she's family oriented, always there for me, has a great body and smile, is fun with a capital F, and much much more. I can't put into the words the beauty of Libes, but she certainly deserves to hear it!

Day Five

I brought a special card into work for my co-worker, Kathy. And I made sure to write in it: "You are beautiful AND I'm not afraid to tell you! A special card for a special woman." I explained to her face to face what the Beauty Message Challenge was all about and handed her the card. :) (She told me later that she has the card displayed at home.)

Day Six

I emailed my friend Alicia and let her know she was beautiful and why in detail. I mean, who wouldn't want to get an email with the subject line: "You are beautiful :)" first thing in the morning? Alicia is one of my dearest friends and is beautiful inside and out.

Day Seven

I sent a message to my friend Huoi. I told her about the BMC and why I think she's beautiful. She's a hard-working doctor and definitely deserves to know!

Day Eight

I brought a special card into work for my friend Val. The card was all about how she is strong, and of course, beautiful. She opened it up and started crying. Her other reactions? She gave me a hug (still crying) and said, "Well I'm not afraid to tell you you're beautiful! I tell you all the time!" which made me laugh.

Day Nine

I sent a message to my friend Sarah telling her about the BMC and explaining why I think she's beautiful. Will she take on the BMC herself and tell herself she's beautiful each day for 10 days? I don't know... but she should, because she's very beautiful. She's in Jen's wedding with me and I love spending time with her. We've been friends since 1st grade!

Day Ten

Day Ten is today - the last day of the BMC. I have a card in my purse that is ready to be given to a co-worker after the weekend is over. She was out for a few days at the end of this work week, so I wasn't able to give it to her when planned. But today, I am telling all of you that YOU are beautiful. It's true. You read the blog, you take the words to heart, and you fight your own fight every single day. There's lots of beauty going on here.

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If there's one thing I discovered during my version of the Beauty Message Challenge, it's that women got embarrassed when I told them they were beautiful, and further embarrassed when I began to tell them why. Some blushed, some interrupted me because they were so surprised, and some cried. What kind of world do we live in when women have such a reaction to being told the TRUTH, that they are beautiful?

I also noticed that as I was telling the separate women they were beautiful (and why) in my variety of ways, I often got choked up or emotional myself. I meant what I said (or wrote) to everyone I told and I wish everyone could hear it a million times over.

One of my favorite sayings of all time is: "Beauty is not a state of body. It's a state of mind." I say this and write this constantly. I love it. But you know what, ladies? Your bodies are beautiful too.

Today, don't argue with me. Accept that you are beautiful. Accept that I think you are. And you know what else? I'm beautiful too. :)

The Heart of the Matter

Why can't the body you have be right? Why isn't your body right?


You might say:

Because it's too fat.

OR

Because it's too ugly.


You might say:

Because it's too short.

OR

Because it's too disproportionate.


You might say:

Because it's too flabby.

OR

Because it's too scrawny.



But what you really mean is:

Because it's mine.


I mean, think about that for a solid minute. It's true, isn't it? The reason you really hate your body isn't because it's too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that. Because, let's face it, you're a lot more forgiving of all those things when you see them somewhere else besides on YOU.

You hate your body because it's yours. Get to the heart of the matter. You have to go within to channel your hate into something positive. Changing what you dislike about your body isn't really the way to stop hating it.

Ask. Answer.
Why can't the body you have be right?
Why isn't your body right?

Because it's mine.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Your Life Raft in the Waters of Criticism

It’s easy to get swept up in the swirl of the world. You go to school or work and you see and hear things that make you feel inadequate. There are a lot of things out there that influence us, whether we like it or not. And in a lot of ways, it can be a good thing. Many of us have friends we have a great time with, family we love and care about, and things we enjoy doing, watching, or reading. And that’s okay.

But when you already feel a certain way and suddenly you can feel that something around you is pulling you to feel another way, you need to stop and think for a minute. A minute is all it takes. You’ve heard the advice: “Go with your first instinct.” Well, in this case, you usually should. If something you see or hear or read makes you second guess how you FEEL about yourself, it’s best to examine it.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s great when we see or hear or read something that makes us question our thoughts or our knowledge about something. It’s good to be open to other opinions, possibilities, and viewpoints. We can learn a lot by paying attention to the world around us. Just don’t let something make you feel like less of a person if you didn’t feel that way before.

If your peers are telling you something negative (that you’re fat, ugly, etc.) or worse—if your friends (which is questionable to say the least) are saying things that make you feel bad about the way you look—don’t let them bring you down to a place where you want to change to please them. Working to please others or to make others like you is no way to live and is, frankly, a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, all you have is YOU.

Not all criticism is constructive.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

For girls and women, especially, life can become a competition. You want to be pretty, you want to be smart, you want to be thin. You want to make sure you are as good as everyone around you. Sometimes it can feel hard to measure up. Sometimes the people you’re trying to measure up against TELL you that you aren’t good enough in some way. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not thin enough. Your clothes aren’t nice enough. Your haircut isn’t cute enough. The list can be never-ending.

You’ll never be able to please everyone. And you’ll never be able to hold yourself above the water if you let other people pull you under. And drowning is a horrible way to die.

Really, it’s all about survival. You can’t let people--or things you see, hear, or read--get the better of you. If you read in a magazine that being a certain size makes you somehow less appealing to the world at large, but you felt okay about your size before you read it, listen to your first instinct—that you are fine the way you are. Don’t buy into the negative pull. If your friends, school peers, co-workers, and/or family say something that makes you feel negatively about yourself, just remember that what they say doesn’t determine what you are. And for everyone who says something that makes you feel badly, there are just as many people who see you as great in a lot ways.

If you see an ad on TV and it makes you wonder if you should try to change yourself in some way, don’t let something you see for two minutes on TV influence you into thinking you’d be better off looking different. You have your own mind; use it.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

You write your own story. You can change anything you want. And you can add a new chapter whenever you feel like it. You don’t need something external or someone you know telling you what and how to change. All throughout your life, people are going to offer their opinions whether you like it or not. Sometimes a person’s opinion will help you…and sometimes it will hurt you. It’s up to you to learn the difference. There are a lot of things out there that can help us…and there are just as many things that can hinder us. A minute of thought can make a world of difference when it comes to deciding whether or not to think negatively about yourself.

When it comes right down to it, no one else anywhere is YOU. You are the only you. There’s no one out there like you. So you can’t go wrong looking the way you do. You can’t go wrong being what you are. You are you and that is the way you were meant to be. It’s okay and natural to feel unsure about the way you look sometimes, but if you’re feeling good about yourself, don’t ever let anyone make you think differently. When you give in to a negative thought about yourself, you’re relinquishing a little piece of yourself. If you continue to do that, pretty soon you’ll have surrendered a lot of pieces. You’ll be weaker and more unsure than ever.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

It can get pretty difficult dealing with things and people around you, especially if they are undermining your confidence in yourself. But you know what? It takes a very strong person to make it through and come out on top—to come out feeling okay. To come out knowing you are great just the way you are. To come out better because you know this.

Don’t give up on yourself. You have all the power.

And you are beautiful. Just as you are.