Is This As Good As It Gets?

Definitely check this one out - this week I discussed the topic:

You're eating healthily, exercising moderately and taking good care of yourself, people assume you are doing well, but inside its still hard -- How do you stay strong? (and is this as good as it gets?)

Anger

This week's topic is: Anger. Is it good? Is it bad? I also discuss ways to get your anger out so you don't internalize it.

So You Think You're Not Strong Enough?

Well, watch this:

Fly the Banner

Just a little something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. :)

Fly the banner,

Hold the flame,

Dance your best,

Sing out your name!

Field all questions

To the sky;

Let your spirit

Flow and fly.

Bets are off,

The word is out!—

You have a voice;

It’s time to shout!

Fly the banner,

Hold the flame,

Dance your best,

Sing out your name!

Feel the rhythm

In the air,

Vibrate with

A power rare!

The sun is bright,

The world is true,

The wind is strong,

And you are YOU.

Fly the banner,

Hold the flame,

Dance your best,

Sing out your name!

Field all questions,

Word is out!—

You have a voice;

It’s time to shout!

Feel the rhythm,

World is true,

Wind is strong,

And you are YOU.

Fly the banner,

Hold the flame.

Dance your best,

Sing out your name!

There’s only one you

In this place—

There’s only one

In time and space.

Fly and dance,

Sing and shout;

You have a voice—

The word is out!

A Response - Tried & True

It's gonna be a long one, folks. This week, someone left a comment on my latest post Video: To the Girl. I read the comment several times, and every time I began a reply, I realized I had far too much to say to simply keep it in the comments section. Furthermore, the way this commenter feels is how so many eating disorder sufferers feel. She is precisely who I was writing/speaking to in To the Girl and I’m glad she chose to leave a comment, so that I, in turn, could offer more. So today, I’d like to display her comment and my (lengthy) response. Thanks, J. I hope you will keep fighting.

“I've listened to your poetry, and I think I am locked inside the only place where I feel sheltered, where I feel safe. With anorexia I lost myself in my search to find something else to hide behind the real me. And now, I have nothing. Now I am only ‘the girl0. And I don't know what to do.

J.”

J.-

It’s understandable that you’re feeling at a loss. No amount of words or videos will be able to break you out of the place in which you feel you are locked. What a scary thing to feel trapped inside a place of safety while at the same time feeling you are nothing but a shell.

I struggled with anorexia myself and I lost myself too. Or rather, I put my whole self on hold and hid. Every day I hid. Only as I got better and better was I able to realize that there was so much more to me than my eating disorder. If you don’t like the real you, the first step is to begin that process. When you feel okay with yourself, but feel you have no identity, step two comes into play.

You only think you have nothing, but really, you have tools. The hard part is discovering how those tools work and you can bring yourself to begin using them. None of this is easy. And of course, at many points in this process, we all feel like giving up—or even that nothing is working. Thing is, this difficult days and the pain we feel as we experience what it’s like to live without an eating disorder are part of this process. And who wants to sign up for THAT?

It’s scary at best. But you know what? It’s necessary. Or what you’re doing is kissing your life good bye. And let’s face it, life as you know it right now isn’t so great.

After reading your reply, I immediately remembered three specific blog posts I’ve written in the past two years. I found them and I’d like to repost bits here, as they apply. Full links are also offered, in case you’d like to read more. In my post We Are All Special, I touched on something that hits home for so many of us:

So often, there is a feeling of "specialness" associated with having an eating disorder. It's a big part of the reason people are afraid to really recover. They fear losing that specialness, that part of them that makes them someone, that feeling of power, that deep seated persona.

The thing is, we are all special. Specialness does not die with your eating disorder--it just gets re-applied, reassigned to something WORTH that feeling.

I went on to question our thoughts and put the facts in front of our faces, but I ended with:

Your mission, if you choose to accept it: FIND OUT what REALLY makes you special.

Because I promise you--it's NOT your eating disorder.

In my post Filling the Gap, I discussed the problem we all have to face at one time or another: what to do when we decide to leave our eating disorder behind. We’re left with nothing and suddenly there’s a lot of empty space. It can be daunting. I talked about all that is waiting for us if we bother to discover it:

And there is so much waiting for you. There are a thousand possibilities at your fingertips, from the simple every day things to the more complex life goals. You just have to ask yourself one question.

What do you want to do?

It’s an open question with many possible answers…and that’s the beauty of it.

I asked a lot of questions:

What's in your head and your heart? What are your passions? What makes you feel good?

Do you want to make new friends? Do you want to go back to school? Do you want to get out in the job world? Do you want to pursue a dream you’ve often had in the back of your mind? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to travel?

But of course, we can’t always do everything we want to do. The fact of the matter is:

A lot of things can prevent us from doing what we want to do. BUT—and this is a big but—you never let things be an issue when finding a way to fit your eating disorder into your daily life, did you?

I asked you to think about what makes you happy and come up with three things;

Then find a way to incorporate them into your life. Fill that gap.

I can see that this post is already about as long as I anticipated it would be, but I have more to say. You spoke of being locked inside a place and what I need to tell you is that YOU have the keys. In my post Locks and Keys, I tried to figure out when everything started for me. I questioned the importance of knowing where it all came from and I described early memories and events. I explain feeling special for being the thinnest girl. I asked:

Why do memories like this embed themselves in our brains to be picked apart later in life?

Is the brain molded from an early age in a way that could possibly fuel anorexia? Or is the brain already predestined by its very makeup to struggle with anorexia?

But then:

Questions, questions, questions. I don't think the answer is the important thing.

I think learning yourself, figuring out what to do with what your mind IS—no matter how it got that way—is the key.

The real question is: If you have the key, where is that lock? Or more specifically, where are all the locks?

We have so many locks within us. Some pertain to past behaviors. Some pertain to guarded memories. To abuse. To family. To bullying. To trauma. To friends. To pain. To sadness. To depression. There are many locks.

What takes so long is finding them all—each and every one—and inserting that key. And turning it. And watching that flicker of light that happens when you have an epiphany…or a revelation…or a moment of peace.

Peace.

I know I make it sound easy—and it’s anything but easy—but you have to be willing to see it as it is and give it a shot if you want things to change. Some of the locks are hidden, but once you find them all, you’re on your way.

It's tough to get there. It's tough to find all those locks and make the (courageous) decision to turn that key. But it's something to look forward to. And something to work toward.

And it WILL happen.

And one day you'll be free.

I hope I’ve made sense today. For you, J. and for all “the girl"s out there looking for answers, guidance, or just a little encouragement. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I know what’s tried and true… and I would never suggest anything I haven’t tried myself. Recovery—freedom—is possible. Believe that first…

Keep the faith,

Arielle

A Recovery Surprise

Here's the answer to a question I was recently asked via email. I pondered it for a while and this is the main thing...so I thought I'd make a late night video and share it.

A Little Video for a Quiet Wednesday

So I'm new at this YouTube thing, guys, but I thought I'd post a video of me doing some ED related slam poetry. You'll remember my recent post where I presented the written form of this piece, called "(Not So) Dear Eating Disorder." The video is me reading it, so the effect is somewhat different. Again, I'm new at taping myself, so it's not as dynamic and animated as I'd like. More to come, hopefully!

(Not So) Dear Eating Disorder---

I'm furious at all the things that rise within and break my wings. The pain is great, the room is small, and I'm within it, standing tall. Yes, here I am--I give a damn--I'll give this door one final slam. I'm stronger than the past that's been--I call the shots; I'll tell you when! And if you think, unwanted guest, that one day soon you'll get the best of this young woman, I won't rest until you truly, finally see that you're just you but I am ME! I've learned too much, I've traveled far, and I know what you really are--so don't you for one second think that you will find that tiny chink within my armor, within my soul--I'm on to you, I'm in control! And as I live and breathe today, I vow to conquer every way the little bit of you that's left--and trust me, I won't feel bereft. I know the feeling freedom brings and with some healing, I'll have wings that work and move and fly again--I call the shots; I'll tell you when!


That one's for me and for all of you.

Your Life Raft in the Waters of Criticism

It’s easy to get swept up in the swirl of the world. You go to school or work and you see and hear things that make you feel inadequate. There are a lot of things out there that influence us, whether we like it or not. And in a lot of ways, it can be a good thing. Many of us have friends we have a great time with, family we love and care about, and things we enjoy doing, watching, or reading. And that’s okay.

But when you already feel a certain way and suddenly you can feel that something around you is pulling you to feel another way, you need to stop and think for a minute. A minute is all it takes. You’ve heard the advice: “Go with your first instinct.” Well, in this case, you usually should. If something you see or hear or read makes you second guess how you FEEL about yourself, it’s best to examine it.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s great when we see or hear or read something that makes us question our thoughts or our knowledge about something. It’s good to be open to other opinions, possibilities, and viewpoints. We can learn a lot by paying attention to the world around us. Just don’t let something make you feel like less of a person if you didn’t feel that way before.

If your peers are telling you something negative (that you’re fat, ugly, etc.) or worse—if your friends (which is questionable to say the least) are saying things that make you feel bad about the way you look—don’t let them bring you down to a place where you want to change to please them. Working to please others or to make others like you is no way to live and is, frankly, a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, all you have is YOU.

Not all criticism is constructive.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

For girls and women, especially, life can become a competition. You want to be pretty, you want to be smart, you want to be thin. You want to make sure you are as good as everyone around you. Sometimes it can feel hard to measure up. Sometimes the people you’re trying to measure up against TELL you that you aren’t good enough in some way. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not thin enough. Your clothes aren’t nice enough. Your haircut isn’t cute enough. The list can be never-ending.

You’ll never be able to please everyone. And you’ll never be able to hold yourself above the water if you let other people pull you under. And drowning is a horrible way to die.

Really, it’s all about survival. You can’t let people--or things you see, hear, or read--get the better of you. If you read in a magazine that being a certain size makes you somehow less appealing to the world at large, but you felt okay about your size before you read it, listen to your first instinct—that you are fine the way you are. Don’t buy into the negative pull. If your friends, school peers, co-workers, and/or family say something that makes you feel negatively about yourself, just remember that what they say doesn’t determine what you are. And for everyone who says something that makes you feel badly, there are just as many people who see you as great in a lot ways.

If you see an ad on TV and it makes you wonder if you should try to change yourself in some way, don’t let something you see for two minutes on TV influence you into thinking you’d be better off looking different. You have your own mind; use it.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

You write your own story. You can change anything you want. And you can add a new chapter whenever you feel like it. You don’t need something external or someone you know telling you what and how to change. All throughout your life, people are going to offer their opinions whether you like it or not. Sometimes a person’s opinion will help you…and sometimes it will hurt you. It’s up to you to learn the difference. There are a lot of things out there that can help us…and there are just as many things that can hinder us. A minute of thought can make a world of difference when it comes to deciding whether or not to think negatively about yourself.

When it comes right down to it, no one else anywhere is YOU. You are the only you. There’s no one out there like you. So you can’t go wrong looking the way you do. You can’t go wrong being what you are. You are you and that is the way you were meant to be. It’s okay and natural to feel unsure about the way you look sometimes, but if you’re feeling good about yourself, don’t ever let anyone make you think differently. When you give in to a negative thought about yourself, you’re relinquishing a little piece of yourself. If you continue to do that, pretty soon you’ll have surrendered a lot of pieces. You’ll be weaker and more unsure than ever.

Appreciating yourself is your life raft in the waters of criticism.

It can get pretty difficult dealing with things and people around you, especially if they are undermining your confidence in yourself. But you know what? It takes a very strong person to make it through and come out on top—to come out feeling okay. To come out knowing you are great just the way you are. To come out better because you know this.

Don’t give up on yourself. You have all the power.

And you are beautiful. Just as you are.

Addressing the Tunnel

It’s funny how you can grow to know yourself as a person—a whole person—and like what you know. It’s a fun discovery sometimes, to dip into the soul of someone who’s been with you all along, but never really seen as a complete entity. It’s so easy to know yourself as depressed, or crazy, or worried, or anxious—or as a body. But to really know yourself for what you are—totally—is something altogether fascinating. Of course, you may not like everything you learn about yourself, but we all have faults and discrepancies within ourselves. It’s only natural to find yourself imperfect. But you know, it’s true what your teachers always used to say: “Nobody’s perfect.” But you can be good at being you. You can be real.

I list a lot of techniques and strategies for a recovery-helpful lifestyle on this blog, all of which I feel strongly about, but when it comes right down to it, you have to be willing to go into yourself and feel. And then get rid of the bullshit. And the voices from others. And the worry. And the self-pity. And the not feeling good enough. And only then will you be able to get rid of the pain.

The right path is never the easiest one, you know. And the more you struggle, the better you will feel when you’ve overcome what it is that is bringing you down. In essence, everything worth fighting for starts with a struggle. And believe me, your health and your happiness are definitely worth fighting for. I may not have known at the beginning that I would feel as good as I do, but I wouldn’t go back to that horrid beginning for anything. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And if you don’t see it yet, climb a little farther. And when you begin to see the glowing edges of that light, you will want with all your might to reach it and come out on the other side, free at last from the stifling and dark tunnel you’ve struggled through so long. It only makes sense, doesn’t it?

But as always, saying is easier than doing. Much easier. But every action starts with a thought. So let this post be your thought. And begin.

The Holidays are Upon Us

To all:

The holiday season can be a tough season. It's often full of family, food, and obsessive behavior. I'm writing this to let you know I understand. The holidays can make you squirm and wake up full of dread each morning. But you know what?

They're not supposed to. That's not what the holidays are all about.

They're about a thousand things and none of those things should be negative or unhealthy or depressing. The question is: how do you get yourself into the right mindset?

You have to psych yourself up for it. You have to be positive and remain positive despite all the negativity you might feel closing in on you. You have to worry about YOU and not about others. I know it's hard--many times those "others" are your family or your close friends and you feel conflicted or manipulated or overwhelmed. Those feelings are okay and completely natural. All feelings are--because they're what you FEEL and they are honest. But you've got to do what's best for yourself and sometimes that means thinking only of yourself at a given point in time.

I know it might sound strange--me telling you to think of yourself during the holidays, when everything else out there promotes goodwill toward the less fortunate and giving to others besides yourself--but you have to consider that if you are first good to yourself, you will much more easily be able to be good to others. You have to start with yourself and go from there. It sounds so simple and so difficult at the same time, doesn't it?

I once had an aunt comment on what I was eating at a family holiday dinner. I had put some things on my plate and had handed it to her so she could add something to it that was nearest to her. "That's not YOUR plate, is it?" she'd said.

I just looked at her.

"I mean, you don't eat all that, do you?" she asked.

It didn't matter why she said it or what she meant by it. It was too late; the damage had been done. She'd gotten the message from my silence that I was shocked she'd say such a thing to me (for at the time, I was very very thin), but when my plate was handed back to me I didn't feel like eating. I'm sure she had no idea what she'd done to me with that short conversation. But there was a lot wrong with that conversation.

For one, she'd drawn attention to my eating. Second, she'd commented on the amount. Third, she was clearly surprised which made me question myself and what I was ready to eat.

In short, that small incident completely ruined my day. And if I'd had the right mindset at the time, it wouldn't have. Now, I know there are situations you will all deal with over the holidays that will be worse than that...or even less severe than that...that will irk you, upset you, and make you miserable. This was just an example. The point is: don't let it upset you.

As usual, it's easier said than done. But all you have to do is TRY. Just try. When something upsetting happens, or you see or hear or feel something that triggers you to do whatever self-destructive or eating disordered behavior you typically fall back on, DON'T DO IT. Don't let it get the better of you. Don't give in to pain and sadness and frustration. Use your anger or your emotions to build yourself up. Do what's healthy and what is good for you. Be good to yourself. Think of yourself. Don't think of someone else's comments or the way someone else looks. Don't think of all the food and how you shouldn't eat it. Don't think of the obsessive behaviors that may have become natural to you. Think of you and the child you once were that is still a part of you. And give her/him what she/he wants. You are allowed to indulge. You are allowed to nurture. You are allowed to FEEL GOOD. You are allowed to BE HAPPY.

Really.

Write a note to yourself. A short one, a long one, a sentence, a few words, or whatever you want. But write a note to yourself that is positive, that quickly reiterates that you can get through things. Maybe it will say: YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR! Or maybe it will simply say: IT'S OKAY. But whatever it is, write it. To yourself. On an actual piece of paper. And keep it. And put it in your coat pocket, or your purse, or your wallet, or something you almost always have with you. And when you're dealing with some holiday stress or you're feeling overwhelmed, take it out briefly and look at it. Reassure yourself. You will thank yourself later. Maybe later that day. Maybe later that month. Maybe later that year. Or maybe even years from now. But you will thank yourself.

Do you really want to have miserable holiday season? Or one filled with grief, obsessing, nervousness, anxiety, pain, etc? Of course you don't. And you don't deserve to. You deserve all the good things the holidays can bring. I know you can't get rid of all those bad feelings and behaviors in one day--or in one holiday season. But you can START.

Start now. Start with THIS holiday.

Best of luck to you all. You can do it!

Arielle

Tell Your Tale Tuesday (# 4)

Happy Tuesday, everyone! And thanks, Rachael, for sending me this wonderful essay/rant/empowering declaration! If anyone's interested, you can find more of Rachael's awesome words here: Twisted Barbie Weighs In

And you can always find a link to her blog on the side panel of my site. And without further ado...

By Rachael Stern aka Twisted Barbie

The weight industry is an incredible enterprise isn't it? They're trying to sell us self worth and were so hungry from starving so long we eat it all up. Entrapment in an all encompassing paradigm, where an intellectual double standard is the normative fare, is what womanhood has turned in to. Entrapment in a society that wants to feed and stuff us with the image of starvation as satiety.

What are we to fill up on when double standard is the coach fare of our culture? Certainly not food for that would make us un-hungered for. A cultural analysis of our bodies is hardly necessary when our physical contextually is the primary factor in determining our personal worth, and yet somehow in the attempt to empower our hips and thighs, those of us who are still tormented by the jiggle that our very humanity might conjure are digested as traitors, unconsciously working against the slowly ticking clock, setting it into a counterproductive, counterclockwise spiral.

A convenient way to view this problematic social structure would be through Flocculation tinted lenses. Are we not creating our own neo victorian standards? Do we best feed our movement by continuing to feed it with propaganda, rejecting those who are imprinted by the very mold our non allied communities are trying to cookie cut us out with? Let the sustenance of our community feed those un sustained by themselves. After all, in the end, who would you rather sit down for dinner with? Driving home from a Rally seemed like an everyday act for me, but passing out at the wheel wasn't what I envisioned as empowered. I have always and will always label myself a feminist. It is at the core of my identity, wholly and truly. How is it then, that I ended up being so effected by society that I would sacrifice myself?

I set off on a journey that went against every value I hold. I transformed myself for others into something socially and culturally appropriate. I disabled my own beliefs, my own activism, my own power.

Not anymore.

I hereby agree to revel in my humanity and do the very things necessary to support its livelihood. I agree to love with my whole heart unapologetically. I agree to stand at the edge of the cliff and not only to sit amidst, but dance in the fire surrounded by friends. I agree to have no apologies. I agree to embody my own beliefs that I hold so steadfast for others and never sacrifice myself to fit what another might consider good or better or appropriate. I agree to speak my mind when my voice shakes, to cry when I'm hurt, to scream when I'm angry, to sing when speaking cannot express my joy, and to dance when words fail my truest expression.

I have worked myself into an oblivion attempting to prove my right to inhabit this world, when my mere existence should have sufficed. I have always been enough just as I am. I agree from this day forth to feel entitled to my life, my voice, my body and my food. I agree to exist as counter culture within the diet ravaged society that I am forced to contextual myself in. I agree to grapple with the tough questions. How is that I have reconciled an eating disorder with a strong feminist selfhood?

Why is it that the standard I hold for others falls away when I stand in front of the mirror? I agree to keep questioning what the difference is between personal and political activism. What does it mean to effect change from within, and is this in opposition to without? Is personal liberation as important as political liberation? I have come to believe it is.

I agree to work for radical change within something that will be the most prevalent in my life beyond laws and beyond labels. I can return to the very beginning and work from the source. I can be me. I promise to be me.

How is it that when the very gears of the political machine are falling apart, we fail to notice? How is it that activists everywhere have alcohol problems, drug problems, self injury problems, food problems and it is accepted? How are we okay with this? Why is it okay to kill yourself to feed the movement? What are we really fighting for if not our own lives?

Perhaps as activists, we need to start with ourselves. We need to go back to the drawing room and retrace our steps. What are our goals? What do we really want, and why? Can we structure a movement that supports healthy individuals? These are questions that take us back to the consciousness raising group. We have grown too far from the personal. We are people, we are human and no amount of protest, no amount of social movement, no amount of anything can change that. H0w can I tell bush he isn't fit to run the country, much less anything when I cant feed myself? and what right do i have, pretending to be someone that younger people can look up to when I'm sacrificing myself? Perhaps we need to take a step back and acknowledge that by engaging in these self defeating acts we are not only stopping our own gears, but we are allying with the other side, forgetting what the focus is, turning inward and contributing to our own ineffectiveness and erasure.

How is it that we have ended up in a society where the very act of consuming food, sustenance is a political act? If I buy a diet pepsi, it supposedly isn't political, even-though I am supporting bullfighting. If I buy a bag of chips, it breaks an unwritten social code. People form opinions about me. I form opinions about myself and all of a sudden i'm not thinking about how my gay best friends can't get married, or why I care about the current paradigm. Eating without judgment becomes a political act, a stance I am taking. It is noticed and I am choosing to be a part of this world without letting others judgment keep my presence at bay. I refuse to take it
on. I want chips damn it and I am no less of a woman because of it. This is feminism. I am here and I'm not leaving. I want to change the world, I want to dance naked and have sex with the lights on.

The personal is political, and the political is personal.

The time has come to put our food where our mouths are.

Who is with me?

***
Awesome, is it not? Rachael, so glad you sent me this. I love the concepts, the words, and the meaning. But most of all I love the spirit and the strength! I'm also kind of partial to the fierce feminist voice speaking out against what's wrong with this society. I know a lot of us are "with you." I know a lot of us appreciate the strong voice of this essay. Thanks again for sharing it. I am with you!

Arielle