Separating the Eating Disorder Voice from Your Own Strong Voice!

This is a remake of a very popular video I did a couple of years ago. It's short and simple: a lesson in facts.

EDAW13: Arielle Gives Voice to EDNOS

Technically from last year's EDAW, but still remains super important:

EDAW13: Wednesday Warrior

This week's usual Wednesday video is up. The topic this week is "How You Can Use Your Voice." It's meant to be directly associated with Eating Disorder Awareness Week...but you know what? The best way you can REALLY use your voice is below... and it's important during EDAW and beyond.

Day #31: Reflections

Participating in the Hungry for Change Blogger Challenge was fun for me. I like to spread positivity and hope as much as I can, but I also like being part of a bigger community. I think it's important to work with others as a team to create an awesome, big, powerful VOICE.

Participating has also been a challenge for me - not by way of writing any of the prompts, but because of time. I can't remember the last time I committed to posting every single day without fail. I do so many things in a regular day and while my site is very important to me and the work I do here is something I take very seriously, I typically post about once per week, sometimes twice per week. It's been difficult to make sure I had a post up each day that was really thoughtful and poignant, simply because I have very little (if any on some days!) free time. I found myself typing 2 or 3 blog posts at a time when I DID have a free hour, then saving them to be posted later.

I also often "scheduled" my posts to be published on the morning of the day they were "due," because usually my free time was late, late at night after a long day and evening of work, grad school, and being a wife.

I tried to work in advance and found it worked well. I enjoyed the challenge and even when I felt obligated on some days to crank out a post to continue with the commitment, it always felt good to write...to be another voice...to share vital words.

I've also enjoyed reading the posts other bloggers have shared. There are so many wonderful people out there from all walks of life, in all points of recovery, writing the words that make sense to them. I respect it very much.

Hungry for Change is a great campaign with a great message...and it's more than that - it's a community too. I'm honored to have been a part of the collective voice and VERY excited to partner with them for the NEXT blogger challenge, taking place in June (yes, TOMORROW!).

Arielle's Word of the Day Challenge is definitely something different and I hope to facilitate community yet again. With all of you. For details, please click here: Arielle's Word of the Day Blogger Challenge. Hungry for Change and I would love for you to participate! Thank you for writing, thank you for reading, and I hope you'll continue to share.

Day #14: Crimes Against Clients

Today's prompt invites me to share my experiences about a professional or professionals (doctor, therapist, nurse, etc.) who had a negative impact on my recovery, to ponder how they made me feel, to explain  how I spoke to them about it and their response. But with the exception of a gynecologist who told me to drink milkshakes and eat cheeseburgers to fatten up and some pretty incompetent university health center nurses who had to look up "fainting" in a reference book when I arrived with complications of my anorexia, I have been lucky enough to have had some very positive experiences with professionals.

Every professional who was part of my "team," several years ago, was great: therapist in Pennsylvania (L.C.S.W.), university therapist in Delaware (psychologist), registered dietitian in Pennsylvania, registered dietitian in Delaware, group therapy leaders (PhD students & psychologists), etc.

I met the demand for work and I felt respected. When I didn't feel completely understood, the message that they were TRYING to understand was always there.

So today, instead of recounting a negative experience with a professional, I have a slightly different story to tell you. There was a time about 7 years ago when I was faced with the opportunity to share my perspective and educate someone or sit silently and let the negativity continue. I chose to use my voice and this is the tale:

When I was a senior in college, I was taking a class called Sociology of Sex and Gender. It was a good class, and in it, we spoke often of eating disorders and body image, because those are major things women deal with in today's world. Eating disorders and body image issues are also feminist issues. That said, class discussions often turned to personal experiences and/or stories.

There was a girl in my class named Holli who had a roommate with what sounded like (from Holli's description) a serious eating disorder, namely anorexia. During a week when we were discussing, as a class, eating disorders and their various manifestations, effects, and victims, Holli brought up her roommate. She declared that her roommate was "anorexic" and "crazy." I didn't like the adjective "crazy" she used to label her roommate because of her restrictive, paranoid, and obsessive behaviors, but I also took it personally because I had anorexia (though was making significant progress in recovery) myself.

Holli went on to say that her roommate's hair had begun thinning and falling out and she was "crazy" because she still said she'd rather be thin with ugly hair. Now, granted, this is irrational thought, but I related to the poor roommate from past experience when I was just as ill, and it seemed to me (by the manner in which Holli was speaking) that Holli had next to no compassion for this troubled girl. The more Holli spoke, the more I felt irked and sad inside. I did not dislike this girl, Holli. In fact, she had always seemed rather nice and friendly. But I distinctly did not like the way in which she talked about her roommate. Holli sounded selfish, as though we as a class should have pitied her for having to live with such a freak. She also sounded coarse, as though she didn't want to try to help her roommate. But this was all, as far as I could tell, because Holli didn't understand. And more than that--she made no effort to TRY to understand what her roommate was going through.

It hurt me that Holli would pass this girl off as "crazy" for having a problem and a disease. So I decided I couldn't stay silent. I decided it was my duty to let Holli know how it feels to live with anorexia and to show her what she could do to be supportive and/or understanding.

I did not speak up in class. What I had to say would not have been appropriate, nor did I want to let everyone in the room know I had an eating disorder. I would have gotten emotional. I would not have been able to be as articulate as I wished to be. I wanted to be anonymous, because Holli sat at my work station in the room and knew who I was. I wanted to speak to Holli anonymously, but how was I to do this?

After class, I followed our professor (a wonderful woman named Dr. A) to her office. She invited me in and I told her I wanted to talk to her about something. I was beside myself. At that point in my life, I was young, still recovering, and very shy. And I was very nervous. I know I was blotchy as I tried to formulate my thoughts. I used the direct approach; this professor seemed like one to whom I could talk. I told her I suffered from anorexia, was on my way down a healthy track, and felt disturbed by the day's class discussion. She looked ready to listen. I explained how Holli's story made me feel. Dr. A seemed to agree with me. I told her how I wished I could tell Holli how it was from my perspective and how it was for me when a friend DID want to help me, DID try to listen and understand. Dr. A was nodding vigorously and was all for my idea. I think the professor had noticed the "rolling her eyes" way in which Holli had talked about her roommate and I think Dr. A found it as upsetting as I did. Dr. A suggested I write a letter to Holli anonymously, then Dr. A would give it to Holli for me.

It seemed a fine plan to me, so I went to my apartment that day and composed the following letter:

Dear Holli,

I am someone in your Sociology of Sex and Gender class and after hearing you talk about your roommate, I wanted to write to you. I have struggled with an eating disorder for years now and when I was a freshman here at UD, I was confronted by the best friend I had made at college, a girl who lived across the hall named Sarah. I was going through a really hard time in my life, and was in the throes of anorexia; I was sick, tired, and preoccupied with food all the time. I could really relate to a lot of what you said about your roommate and her eating habits. In the worst times of my disorder, I often didn’t eat for days at a time and was a very low weight. My friends were very worried about me because what I was doing was so noticeable, and my hair had even begun to fall out like your roommate’s.

I know it was extremely hard for my friend Sarah to do what she did because she probably worried that I would get mad, fight with her, or blow her off completely. But somehow, she found the right words to say, and that is what I wanted to share with you. I know how hard it must be to watch someone you live with do self-destructive things to herself, and I know it is a very difficult subject to broach, but sometimes it is getting your thoughts across in the right manner that really makes all the difference.

I realize your roommate may be completely resistant to getting help or even to listening to what you have to say, and for all I know, you have probably tried many things over time to help her. I just wanted to share my experience with you, from the point-of-view of the sufferer, with the hope that it can help you approach your roommate in the future and result in something beneficial. I know what the person suffering wants to hear and wants to feel (generally speaking), and while your roommate may not be willing to fully listen to you yet, if you say the right things she may think about them later, ponder them, and eventually get the help she needs. In any case, it’s worth a try.

When I was a freshman, Sarah knocked on my door one day while I was crying in bed (a common occurrence in those days) and asked me through the door to let her in. (I think the timing of when you talk to someone about this is key; if your roommate seems upset one day, maybe that is a good time to bring it up, instead of when you two are watching TV or something.) Sarah wanted to know what was going on (and what HAD been going on with me), but I was afraid to tell her…afraid she wouldn't like me anymore…afraid she wouldn't want to live with me next year. I thought she would think I was weird…and more than that: I worried that she would think I was crazy because she wouldn’t understand. The first thing that was important was that she didn’t judge me at all. She spoke to me carefully and assured me that she didn’t think less of me, didn’t think I was a freak, and didn’t think I was crazy even though she didn’t understand what I was going through. (Even if you feel all these things, I think it is vital to actually express them, because these things can never be said enough when a situation is so delicate.) Sarah sat there on my bed with me and listened while I cried out everything I’d been keeping to myself. She just told me she was there to listen and she let me say the things I wanted to. She didn’t come there to give me a list of reasons why she was worried or to give me a list of suggestions for what I should do. She just hugged me at the right moments and told me she would help me.

I know that this kind of incidence involves an exchange of some kind, therefore if your roommate isn’t as open as I was willing to be, the situation would not pan out the exact same way…but I honestly think, no matter how little or how much she wants to tell you about her problem, that you can never say “I’m here for you” too much. Eventually, she will start to believe it and maybe realize you don’t want to judge her. Instead of asking me why I did the things I did, or why I felt the way I did, Sarah simply asked me what was wrong. We talked for a long while and she said something I always remind myself of when I’m feeling particularly lost—she said she’d never leave my side throughout college and that she would help me in any way she could. It meant a lot to me to have someone say that. Sometimes support is the greatest thing—an offer to do nothing but be there.

Something I would advise you to avoid would be naming her problem. For instance, I have always recoiled from calling myself “anorexic” because it labels me in a way I don’t want to be labeled. Nor would I want to continually say “I have an eating disorder,” or have anyone say to me, “I think you have an eating disorder.” There are ways to say exactly that without using those words. The words “anorexic,” “anorexia,” or “eating disorder” seem powerful and scary. I don’t like to say I’m anorexic—I am me and anorexia is what had me in its clutches. So, if you do want to try again with your roommate, talk to her about her, about what she needs, and about how she feels—not just about her problem.

I know you are very concerned about her by the way you spoke about her in class, and it breaks my heart to know someone is struggling with same issue I struggle with, because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Even though her habits might be strange and it might seem crazy that she would rather lose her hair than change her eating patterns (as you mentioned in class), just try to remember that anorexia or any eating disorder is truly an illness like anything else, and irrational thought is part of it. I know how it feels to think in that way and sometimes compassion is the number one thing I want if I am feeling adamant in my desire to keep doing what I am doing…not agreement that I am doing the right thing, but compassion for the way I feel and how difficult it is to feel in such a strange way.

I hope you will take this letter to heart and consider approaching your roommate again, and I hope you don’t mind that I wrote this to you. You seem very nice and genuinely troubled by what is going on with your roommate, so please don’t think I am claiming that you handle the problem in an inappropriate way—it is hard to know how to handle a problem like this—I just really want to show you the other side and try to give you new ways of helping her, if that is at all possible, because I had a good experience with intervention and I wish that for everyone. I wish you the best of luck with it, and thanks for listening.

I'll never know the effect that letter had on Holli (or her roommate, for that matter), but I can only hope the fact that someone would take the time to anonymously write such a detailed letter to Holli would have been enough to make her think and feel and grasp even a thread of understanding.


It would have been easy for me to sit there and feel hurt or sad by the "eating disorder" discussion that occurred in my college class. It would have been easy to feel offended by the fact that several people shared the opinion that people who struggle with anorexia are "crazy." It would have been easy for me to do nothing. But something made me use my voice, and who knows, maybe Holli listened. I like to think that she did.

Day #7: Forgotten Brothers

I can't tell you how many times I have had men or boys contact me for services in regards to eating disorders... and I've had to turn them away from the female-only support group I lead or provide them with the very minimal resources for men. I never end a conversation with one of these men without referring them elsewhere, but I always regret that there are not more places for men to go. What's more - even in some existing services, men may still feel unwelcome.

When people talk to me about eating disorders being a female problem, I try to educate them kindly - eating disorders are affecting more and more males. It's a harsh reality.

I can't imagine what it must be like to struggle with an eating disorder as a male - the horror and pain of the mental illness is terrible enough, but throw in the extra stigma of gender and these guys have got to feel even more alone than their female counterparts.

That's one of the things I try to emphasize when I do talk to men and boys with eating disorders: they are not alone. It may feel that way, but it's not true. And then I refer them to some GREAT guys out there who have struggled too - and who help other males and advocate for them!

...People like Sam Thomas and Nicholas Watts of Men Get Eating Disorders Too (MGEDT), an awesome organization working to end stigma and raise awareness, among other things!

...People like Patrick Bergstrom of I Chose to Live, a recovery movement with great resources for EVERYONE who wants to help those struggling with eating disorders.

These men choose not only to live healthily, but to BE A VOICE for other men. It's admirable and they will help create change.

So here's to our forgotten brothers - may you soon not be "forgotten" at all.

Day #1: I Write About Eating Disorders Because...

...because eating disorder recovery, advocacy, and activism is My Life's Work (and I'm not joking when I say that)...because I believe that Hope is where healing begins...because I love to share and teach and HELP.

While I may have a unique understanding as a recovered individual, I can also offer a professional perspective from a social work standpoint as well as that of an ANAD Support Group Leader, ANAD Resource Person, and speaker. I mold all of those together for my work as an Eating Disorder Recovery Blogger...and that work, though unpaid and on the web, is very important to me. Part of my blogging style is to post regular videos on specific eating disorder topics, because I recognize the impact of seeing the face (and hearing the voice) behind the words. I'm passionate and I'm passionate about showing my passion!

 I write about eating disorders because for me, every week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I want to give voice to pain, stigma, problems, hope, solutions, fear, education, encouragement, and celebration. I want to be a voice for those who are not able to use their own. I want to be a voice in order to show others what they can do to use theirs! Being a leader in this area is vital and fills my life with purpose. I write about eating disorders because I care about you, about the ones you love, about the society and the world at large.

I write about eating disorders because THERE IS A NEED.

I don't write for me. I write for YOU.

Voices of Recovery

I'm excited to share with you some special voices. I am privileged  to know a few fantastic fellow bloggers who are recovered. I don't like to imply that there is some hierarchy of recovery in which those who consider themselves fully recovered are better than those who are not. I just like to show people out there who are struggling or who are still fighting their way through recovery that full recovery is completely possible and real.

Therefore, I'd like to do a series of "interviews" with a variety of fellow bloggers. Some are dear friends of mine, others are new friends, and others are what I'd call colleague friends. My goal is to showcase people who are writing about recovery and are healthy and well themselves. You know me - I want to spread positivity and GOOD messages. Some of the questions I ask each recovery blogger will be different from those I ask the other bloggers, and some will be the same. You may find that you know some of the bloggers. Perhaps you already read their blogs or are familiar with their stories. Others may be new to you.

In a nutshell, I like to show people that I'm not the only recovered lady out there using my voice. Sometimes I think people think I'm like 1 in a million or something. So please stay tuned. 2 interviews are fully finished and 2 more are in the works. I hope to share the first blogger with you next week.

Voices Unite!

Eating Disorder Awareness Week is almost over! What have you done for the cause?

It doesn't have to be something BIG.

If you wear an awareness ribbon, bracelet, or shirt, you are supporting the cause. By facilitating discussion over these items, you are spreading the word.

By telling your story, sharing your desire to help, or providing resources to those in need you are doing a great service.

If you are simply reading and re-posting important recovery related info, you are doing a great job of keeping the heart of ED Awareness Week beating strong!

Don't stop now. There are still 3 days left.

The sweet author of Butterflyshapes just did a post on me and I'm ever grateful and very honored. You can check out her blog and the piece here: Wednesday Warrior.

Keep using your voices, everyone!

Keep the Hope Alive

Well friends, it's the last day of Eating Disorder Awareness Week - but this does not mean that the awareness should end. This is a week set apart from others. It is a time to devote voices and advocacy to a worthy cause. It is a time to talk about a subject which many keep closed inside of them.

But it can be like this any day, every week. It certainly is in my world. In my life. On my blog. Take ED Awareness Week with you and don't let it go. The heart of eating disorders is silence. Break the silence.

On that note, I'd like to share with you the most recent post from a fabulous little blog called Weighing the Facts. Mrs. Menopausal, the blog's author, did a post entitled Eating Disorders and Body Image Advocates and Why They Blog. She posted a link to my blog with a little write up, but she also shared a few other bloggers' links - and some of them are really fabulous. So check her out and check them out - today and every day!

Calling All Art! I’m Having a Giveaway!

Are you an artist? Do you doodle to get your feelings onto paper? Maybe you draw in the margins of your notebook in class. Maybe you paint murals. Maybe you’re just trying to find an outlet for your emotions. Whatever the case, if you’d like your artwork displayed on my blog, here’s what you can do:

If you’ve created some form of art, whether it be a sketch, a painting, a sculpture, etc. and you’d like to share it with the eating disorder recovery community via my blog, I’d love to help you show it. Send me a picture of your artwork via email (arielle.becker@gmail.com) with a few sentences about what your art represents or what you are trying to portray with it.

I’ll post one piece of artwork per week, including your name and your words about the piece, along with my own thoughts. (I don’t consider myself an art critic by any means, but I am an artist and I am in the ED recovery world!) I’ll also add a photo of your piece (along with your name of course) to my sidebar so that throughout the month it can be easily viewed even as my posts continue.

So, if you participate, you get a post about your art AND your art displayed on my sidebar for a month. Everyone wins. :) BUT, by the end of November, I’m going to choose one person who will get 4 Love Your Body postcards, from the Love Your Body campaign AND this awesome water bottle from NEDA. (It says "Be kind to your body.")

The awesome thing about the postcards is that they have original artwork on each of them, so if you like art that symbolizes eating disorder recovery and/or loving your body, this is pretty cool. Have a look:

You can save 'em, send 'em, or tack them up as art.

(Sorry I'm not giving away much, guys, but I promise this won't be my last Giveaway.)

The stipulations:

* Make sure in your email to me you list your name as you wish it to be displayed. That means if you’d like to be credited with your full name, give me your full name. If you’d like to be credited with a username only, please specify that and list the username. If you’d like to be credited with just your first name, again, specify that and tell me what it is. If you’d like to be recognized as anonymous, just let me know.

* Make sure your art represents RECOVERY, not just an eating disorder. I don’t want to post ANYTHING on this site that could be mistaken for pro-ana or be seen as a representation of someone wallowing in the disease. That means NO art depicting ultra-thin bodies, skeletons, bones, or anything that shows self-injury, blood, etc. I fully understand that art often shows the pain the artist is experiencing, and I’m all for art therapy, but that’s for you personally, to be for your eyes and not the eyes of all readers. My readers are extremely important to me, and so is their safety and well-being. I don’t want anyone coming to this site and feeling triggered or unsafe in any way.

* So that means the goal is to show RECOVERY... a transformation, a change, growing self-love. Show HOPE. That doesn’t mean you it has to be all rainbows and daisies, people...and that doesn't mean it can’t depict a struggle, because we all know recovery can be a struggle, but please make sure that struggle is headed in the right direction. :)

See, guys, it’s a challenge. :) And that (along with me wanting to see your great art and share it with everyone!) is really the purpose here.

So, hit me with your art, past or present, and get ready for Show and Tell!

A Message to Start the Month of March

Well, I guess I'll start of the week (and simultaneously the month of March, I suppose) with another video. This is another one of my "slam poetry" pieces. I call it Free From the Fight and it's something I posted here back in June of 2008. It's a damn good piece to start off a month with though, and though the video quality isn't all that it could be, it'll do for now.

Spring is almost here, my friends. Be patient.

(Not So) Dear Eating Disorder---

I'm furious at all the things that rise within and break my wings. The pain is great, the room is small, and I'm within it, standing tall. Yes, here I am--I give a damn--I'll give this door one final slam. I'm stronger than the past that's been--I call the shots; I'll tell you when! And if you think, unwanted guest, that one day soon you'll get the best of this young woman, I won't rest until you truly, finally see that you're just you but I am ME! I've learned too much, I've traveled far, and I know what you really are--so don't you for one second think that you will find that tiny chink within my armor, within my soul--I'm on to you, I'm in control! And as I live and breathe today, I vow to conquer every way the little bit of you that's left--and trust me, I won't feel bereft. I know the feeling freedom brings and with some healing, I'll have wings that work and move and fly again--I call the shots; I'll tell you when!


That one's for me and for all of you.