Arielle's Word of the Day #7: HONESTY

You can be honest about struggling. Because struggling means you are fighting something...that you're not just sitting there and taking it...or giving in. And THAT is really saying something.

Recovery can often seem like a battle of your two selves. A seemingly endless ping-pong game.

It comes down to this. You see the number on a scale OR you see the way you look in the mirror OR you experience a trauma OR you dissociate OR you have a bad day, etc etc etc. Maybe a few of the above. You wince. You try to tell yourself that this recovery thing you're doing is okay because you're trying to be healthy. But it doesn't feel okay. And you don't feel good about it. 

You think about restricting OR binging OR purging OR harming yourself in some way, shape, or form.

You know you shouldn't.

And you try to get support from others to keep your saner thoughts in the forefront of your mind. 

The thing is, if you give in to restricting OR binging OR purging OR harming yourself in some way, you are going to be back on a downward spiral. So keep that in mind.

It's so easy to say you will only restrict/purge/[insert behavior] enough to get back to what you feel is a comfortable weight/better life/less anxious mind, but that's the eating disorder wheedling its way back into your head and slowly clutching you again until you continue and continue and continue, losing yourself in the process.

I know from experience.

I don't want this to happen to you or anyone. I know the mindset an eating disorder can instill, and I want you to know that you are stronger than your inclination to restrict/binge/purge/self-harm.

And eventually, the more resistant you become to eating disordered behaviors, the less all the junk in your life (that made you turn to your eating disorder to cope) matters.

It could take months, years, maybe a decade, but it can happen. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself about your emotions, your desires (even if they're bad), your experiences, your problems. As I said before, you can be honest about struggling...because struggling means you are fighting something. And when you've recognized it, you can go forward from there, with honesty by your side helping you to be strong in the face of all the things that want to lie to you.

Stop Pretending and Start Being Real

Here's my weekly Wednesday video for the ED recovery collaboration. Today I talk about learning how to stop pretending and start being real. It's a bit off the cuff, but hopefully you'll see its glimmer of merit. :)

You'll have to click to watch on YouTube...been having troubles with trolls stealing videos from people on the collab and using them on their own site claiming to BE the actual persons in the videos.

Friendships & Eating Disorders: Gaining Perspective Parts 1 & 2

Here are two videos I made recently in response to a question by a viewer. I've gotten a lot of feedback from this 2-part project, so I thought I'd put it up here in the hopes it makes a difference to others. :)

PART 1:



And PART 2:

Out with the Old, In with the New

Get rid of the stuff that's holding you back.

What have you outgrown (not in a physical sense, unless that's somehow relevant)? Think on it. You are still allowed to MISS what you've outgrown, but that doesn't change the fact that you've outgrown it.

On that note, what DON'T you miss? Use that as a force to push you in a better, more positive direction. We all have memories of days, months, and even years we'd rather forget. Perhaps you'd like to wash away some recollection of pain or misery? The thing is, in NOT forgetting about it, we become stronger people. So, don't erase. Instead, remember. And then ask yourself, "Why don't I miss that?" And use it like a tool to propel yourself forward.

What aren't you quite ready for? Be honest with yourself. It's okay to realize you're not exactly ready for everything all at once. Not many of us are. It can still be a tangible goal, whatever it is you're not quite ready for--because you just have to tell yourself: I'm not ready for it YET.

And finally, when all these questions have been asked and perhaps re-asked, ask the most important question of all: What are you looking forward to?

What are you waiting for? I can't answer that FOR you! :)

The 3 Hs

The problem: How to deal with people who talk constantly about weight, weight loss, and/or dieting.

What this problem can be:

-Triggering

-Sad

-Annoying

-Unhelpful

-Angering

-Any or all of the above

A lot of the time this person in question is someone you love, respect, or call a friend. So it gets tricky. And sticky. And well, downright icky.

I tend to suggest the 3 Hs.

The 3 Hs:

-Humor

-Honesty

-Heart to Heart

Let me explain. Let’s say the person in question says, “I can’t believe I gained 5 pounds.”

You could laugh and say, “You probably just need to go to the bathroom,” and soften the situation with a little humor, making light of it, and therefore letting the person know it’s OKAY, but at the same time not getting into it with them if it would make you uncomfortable or be triggering.

Let’s say the person in question says, “I am so fat.”

You could respond with, “Of course you’re not fat. You are beautiful just the way you are. That’s one of the reasons I love you.” It’s honesty. And people sometimes shrink away from it because it feels so serious and so open. And because people without eating disorders don’t always put it out there like that. But if you DO care about the person saying this, then combat her negative comment with something REAL.

Another example is this: Let’s say the person in question says, “I need to go on a diet.”

Your response could be, “No you don’t. A diet isn’t necessary to make you feel better. It isn’t the answer.” There’s some more honesty for you. People don’t usually talk frankly and poignantly like this with one another. But sometimes, it’s the best thing. Sometimes the person with whom you’re having a conversation needs to hear it. You might feel strange giving so bold a reply to their comment, but it takes the conversation in a different direction—a non-triggering direction, an empowering direction, a GOOD direction.

On to the last H. Let’s say the person in question says, “I’m trying to lose weight. I only ate a salad and a diet Coke last night,” and goes on to detail their food intake or their pride in dieting—even if it’s NOT unhealthy.

You’ll be doing yourself a favor if you have a little heart to heart and say, “I don’t want to blow off what you’re saying because I am listening. And I want you to feel like you can talk to me about things, but it’s really hard for me to hear details about food and dieting. I want to be honest with you about this for my own good. I don’t have a problem with you, I just have a problem that I’m working on. I hope you can understand.”

You’re not apologizing. You’re being truthful. You’re worrying about yourself first, as you should. And you’re still being a good friend. And you can be as vague or as open as you feel you need to be when having the little heart to heart. If the person knows about your eating disorder history, it might be easier, but even if the person doesn’t, there are still plenty of ways you can say what’s written above without revealing more information than you’re comfortable with. If the person asks something you’re not happy answering, you have simply to say, “I hope you won’t mind, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now. But let’s keep talking.” These kinds of things are difficult, but once you learn to do them, you’ll be much better off and much better equipped to handle what gets thrown at you in this life.

After all, using the 3 Hs is better than just sitting or standing there quietly, listening to comments like these, feeling triggered and trapped. Am I right? You might be surprised how much your own voice thrown into the mix makes a difference. You also might be surprised about how easy it really is when you start saying something back. These weight/weight loss/dieting conversations happen far more often than you might like, so learning how to handle them is a definite must.

A Common Bond

A friend recently informed me she had been reading this blog and that it really struck a chord with her. She hadn’t known about it and stumbled upon it randomly. She told me she read it avidly, every single post. She worried it was a violation of privacy, but I assured her it was a public site for a reason and I had no intention of hiding my battle with anorexia or my recovery from it.

I was extremely touched by her letter to me and very glad my blog had meant something to her, though she did not suffer from an eating disorder herself. She told me she had had some issues with food and body as well, and mentioned that she’d like to share her experiences with me. I can’t wait to have lunch with her and really talk.

It’s not that this friend didn’t know I had an eating disorder. She most certainly did. She just didn’t know I was writing about it, and then was unsure if I wanted her to find out that I was. Truth is, I want it out there. I feel it’s important. And a lot of people read it. And that’s okay with me. I have no problem talking to people about my past because it is a part of me and I have come a long way.

The topic of my eating disorder does not upset me. I examine my place in recovery every day in some form or another and I’m not afraid to talk about it, especially with people who want to understand. Really, a woman’s relationship with food is a more common thread between us all than we might realize. There are lots of different ways people use food, lots of different ways they cope, and lots of different ways they get healthy. I think it’s important to notice this.

My friend told me that she had her own journey to discover who she is and who she is with food. I like that she told me that. I feel closer to her just knowing she can relate to this blog. My friend also mentioned that she was worried about eating in front of me or about openly displaying her own habits she uses to keep herself healthy. As I told her, people don’t have to worry about eating in front of me or about the habits they use to keep themselves healthy. I have learned to not be triggered by these things. I will always be aware of eating disordered issues, but I can truthfully say that I consider myself recovered and I’m okay now. I would not have started this blog in the first place if I didn’t think I was strong enough to be someone who could help others. I’m great now! Happy, healthy, and very recovery-oriented. It doesn’t rule my life in the least, so to anyone who ever worried—I would say please don’t feel self-conscious about eating with me.

There was a time when I would have been uncomfortable to even go out to eat with any of my friends. That was a couple years ago now. For the last almost two years I’ve been actively recovering, gaining weight, staying healthy and fit at the same time, and working on learning about myself and my eating disorder. I’ve helped myself mentally. I’ve learned to live in the world at last.

In the letter my friend wrote me, she asked about my experience being mistreated by girls in middle school. And she had questions about the impact of my eating disorder on our own friendship. I tried to answer her as best I could. It’s often hard to come up with definitive answers in respect to eating disorders. At least that’s been my experience.

She was familiar with my middle school "mean girls" scenario. It messed me up for years even though I didn’t outwardly dwell on it much. I know she remembers. I didn’t realize how eating disordered this incident made me until later. It was definitely a weird kind of coping mechanism. The friend I’m speaking of was a great friend to me during that time and thankfully helped me cope in healthy ways along with my unhealthy ones.

I tried to get across to my friend that in the future, I’d be honored to be the listener if she wants to talk to me about her relationship with food. I think we can both understand each other well.

“I want to learn more than I already thought I knew,” she wrote to me. “ It's important as a woman and a future teacher, and as your friend.”

As I said to her, I think that’s wonderful. I feel that way too. It’s definitely a continuing goal of mine. And I so appreciate her saying it to me. It means so much and I’ve thought about that statement a lot since she wrote it to me a few weeks ago.

So, in closing, to my friend, I’d like to say: Thank you.

Here’s to honesty and sisterhood.