Arielle's Word of the Day #9: LOGICAL

Today, since it seems so fitting, I decided to share with you yet another poem I wrote 9 years ago, when I was still struggling with my eating disorder, but was in recovery, trying so hard to fight my way out of a bad place. The poem below is called LOGIC and the message seems pretty clear. (And the "you" to which I refer in the poem is clearly Logic.)

LOGIC

I ask myself such questions

Like “Am I okay or not?”

Unwilling to give myself

Or my own mind a shot.

*

I let It claw at me with nails

That could cut without much force;

I let It strangle me with passion

And I scream until I’m hoarse.

*

You try to pull me back,

Keep me safe from all It’s pain,

But sometimes I look away from you

And It just snatches me again.

*

You tell me I can beat It

And I know that this is true…

It has no power over me

If I’m with someone like you.

*

I know you try to help me

And I argue and I cry…

I wish I could explain It;

I wish I could tell you why.

*

I want to cling on tightly

And make you save me from it all,

But no matter how I try

It’s inevitable that I fall.

*

I know I’m disappointing

And I know I must be strong,

But it’s hard to give up something

That has held you for so long.

*

One day I will be rid of It;

It will be all in the past--

It’s something I’ll break free from,

But you’re something that will last.

*

It’s the last thing I should choose

And it’s the last thing I should do;

I keep holding on to It

When I should be holding on to you.

© ALB 2003

Obviously I wrote this a long time ago... but I know many of you understand this mental battle... this being at odds with your good self and the eating disorder.